out into sea

i had a wonderful day yesterday. M. and i decided to go on a road trip to Matabungkay. it's approximately a two hour drive to get there and despite the long hours it was a very eventful ride.

we got there a little after noon and the beach was glorious. i dont frequent beaches at all, even as a child beaches were luxuries that came at seldom intervals. but that afternoon the water was close to being pristine and the sand was a shady white that felt wonderful underneath my feet. it was even more special because it was a few precious hours with someone i have come to love.

time has always been an essence to me. time is gold. time is precious. and those few hours spent with M. in solitude and peace was wonderful. despite our "advancing" years we frolicked in the water like children. playing on the sand like kids, throwing sand balls at each other, running around the dunes and hearing our own laughter ring in the air. i havent had that in quite some time. havent had that comfortable atmosphere with another person, not being able to be so free and liberated. yesterday was amazing.

we walked down the beachfront hands held in anticipation of adventure. like curious rabbits we watched small fish pass us by or fishermen catching their meal of the day or children running around or dogs digging things up or mudskippers flailing about or mangrove shoots trying to reach sunlight or the waves crash upon each other or stones erode into smoothness or our feet sink into the sand or our lips touch one another. it seemed like a tropical paradise. the beach was almost empty except for the two of us. a little piece of heaven just for two weary souls who have found each other. we sat underneath the shadow of a few trees and watch the beauty unravell before our eyes.

i saw his eyes in a glimpse. i saw what i hope is contentment. sometimes the challenge of making someone happy is daunting at best. and a question always lingers inside me..it is a question of whether or not i make him as happy as he has made [and continues to do so] me. do i make him his insides tingle the same way he does mine when he touches my hand? do i make him vibrate with the same force as he does to me when our lips touch? do i make his heart beat faster with just a look the same way his eyes affect me? do i? do i really?

i looked at the waves one last time yesterday before we left. they reminded me of the waves of doubt crashing around in my head. it is the fear talking. it is being scared of the future. but i am reminded that God has promised to lay upon my feet the desires of my heart. and M. has become that desire. he is a promise realized. the ride home reminded me of the quiet i used to relish..the quiet that has taught me peace. as the darkness covered the car, as the lights guided our travel home...i held his hand in comfort and love.

this is that leap of faith. as Peter did, out into sea. i will walk on water someday.

intertwined strangers

there are times when our hands meet and we feel like two halves made into a whole
there are times when our eyes glimpse each other a future is born
there are times when our hearts beat in a steady tempo melodies are created

but...
there are times when we breathe the same air but live separate lives
there are times when we sleep under the same sky but are distant fellows
there are times when we hold each other tight but go our separate ways

im trying to make sense of the feelings i have and the doubts in my head. im trying to understand why things happen the way they do. im grasping at the straws while keeping the foundation firm. there are silent questions i cannot ask, words i cannot form, and dreams that evoke such fearful futures. i wake up in a sweat at times thinking the heaven i have is just a farce. inside my smile a question lingers, asking "is this real?". i am scared to open what was once broken. i am scared to give what was once taken forgranted. but i think it's to late for fears for i already have one foot across the threshold. i have one hand reaching towards you and more than half of myself given in abandon.

we are intertwined. that i believe. but until where? until how far?

hey there delilah

driving home when i heard this song. perhaps you think it's weird that i talk through song or through the thoughts of other people. but the way they say it, or at least sing it, echoes inside me with the same paramount emotion. this is another song that reminds me of the journey we have decided to walk together. listen well. "ohhh it's what you do to me.. it's what you do to me.."

Hey there Delilah,
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away,
But girl tonight you look so pretty,
Yes you do,
Time Square can’t shine as bright as you,
I swear it’s true.

Hey there Delilah,
Don’t you worry about the distance,
I’m right there if you get lonely,
Give this song another listen,
Close your eyes,
Listen to my voice it’s my disguise,
I’m by your side.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
What you do to me.

Hey there Delilah,
I know times are getting hard,
But just believe me girl some day,
I'll pay the bills with this guitar,
We'll have it good,
We'll have the life we knew we would,
My word is good.

Hey there Delilah,
I’ve got so much left to say,
If every simple song I wrote to you,
Would take your breath away,
I’d write it all,
Even more in love with me you’d fall,
We’d have it all.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me.

A thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars,
I’d walk to you if I had no other way,
Our friends would all make fun of us,
And we'll just laugh along because,
We know that none of them have felt this way,
Delilah I can promise you,
That by the time that we get through,
The world will never ever be the same,
And you’re to blame.

Hey there Delilah you be good,
And don’t you miss me,
Two more years and you’ll be done with school,
And I'll be making history,
Like I do,
You’ll know it's all because of you,
We can do whatever we want to,
Hey there Delilah here's to you,
This one’s for you.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,

Oh it’s what you do to me,

What you do to me. 

corinthians

i have always loved the way the words of Paul in Corinthians has washed over me. like a soothing balm that takes away the pains and sorrows of my heart. or sometimes like the reassuring hand of a lover's caress or the supportive prodding of a worried parent.

i read Corinthians once more last night. in the shadow of the day's events and wrapped around a thick blanket i allowed myself to be comforted and renewed.

But God's grace has made me what I am and his grace to me was not wasted
(1Cor15:10)

for quite sometime now i have been partially lost in the worries of my life. i have learned to tune out what is right, and act instead based on gut. i had forgotten that there was a time in my life that Providence has smiled upon me. i read this verse over and over again trying to make sense of the confusion at war within.

my life has been blessed as of late. and it is sad to think that i have been ungrateful. because i have. and because i am.

a friend told me that there is a new aura surrounding me. it is lighter, funner, more joyous. the smile on my face is genuine and the glow is effervescent.but i have been warned.

the body that is 'planted' will ruin and decay,
but it is raised to a life that cannot be destroyed.
when the body is 'planted' it is without honor
but it is raised in glory
when the body is 'planted' it is weak,
but when it is raised it is powerful
(1Cor15:42-44)

i want to be raised. i want to transcend the planted-ness of my soul and become glorified.

You broke the night like the sun
And healed my heart
With Your great love
Any trouble I couldn't bear,
You lifted me
Upon Your shoulders

Love that's stronger
Love that covers sin,
And takes the weight of the world

I love You, all of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ, take my life,
Take all of me

You stand on mountain tops with me
With You I walk through the valleys
You gave Your only Son for me
Your grace is all I rely on

I love You so, and I give up
My life to say,
I need You so,
My every thing, Oh Lord
(Take all of me, Hillsong United)

value.

they say you never value something until it has finally slipped from your fingers.i believe that. a student here in school died yesterday. in the hallway i heard friends, and "friends" whisper about fond memories and rumored causes. they say he killed himself. they say he died because of the pressure. they say they say...

i dont really know who he was, what his life was like. i dont even know if our paths crossed or if my eyes ever laid eyes on him. what i do know was he was loved. as the mass continued many people had tears in their eyes. the family, berieved, sat in the corner in stoic silence. too many emotions swirled around the chapel and the silence...it was deafening.

as people rushed out of the wake you could see the change on their faces. death does that i guess. death makes you realize there still is something worth doing.there is value in the worthless.

Chemical Reaction

You make me feel 

Out of my element 

Like I'm walking on broken glass 

Like my world's spinning in slow motion 

And you're moving too fast 

Were you right, was I wrong? 

Were you weak, was I strong? 

Both of us broken 

Caught in the moment 

We lived and we loved 

And we hurt and we joked, yeah 

But the planets all aligned 

When you looked into my eyes 

And just like that 

The chemicals react 

You make me feel 

Out of my element 

Like I'm drifting out to the sea 

Like the tide's pulling me in deeper 

Making it harder to breathe 

We cannot deny how we feel inside 

We cannot deny 

Were you right, was I wrong? 

Were you weak, was I strong? Yeah 

Both of us broken 

Caught in the moment 

We lived and we loved 

And we hurt and we joked, yeah 

But the planets all aligned 

When you looked into my eyes 

And just like that 

The chemicals react 

The chemicals react 

Kaleidoscope of colors 

Turning hopes on fire 

Sun is burning 

Shining down on both of us 

Don't let us lose it 

Were you right, was I wrong? 

Were you weak, was I strong? 

Both of us broken 

Caught in the moment 

We lived and we loved 

And we hurt and we joked, yeah 

We lived, we loved 

We hurt, we joked 

We're right, we're wrong 

We're weak, we're strong 

We lived to love 

But the planets all aligned 

When you looked into my eyes 

And just like that the chemicals react 

Just like that the chemicals react 

The chemicals react

to long distance love..that burns the phone lines

** Missing you by Tyler Hilton

Everytime I think of you

I always catch my breath

I'm still standing here

And your miles away

And I wonder why you left me

And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles

And it always makes me smile

I spent my time just thinkin about you

And its almost driving me wild

[Bridge:]

But it's my heart that's begging down this long distance line tonight

[Chorus:]

And I ain't missin' you at all

Since you've been gone... Away

I ain't missin' you

No matter what I might say

There's a message in the wires

And I am sendin' you a signal tonight

You don't know how desperate I've become

And It looks like I'm loosing' this fight

[Bridge:]

But it's my heart that's breakin' down this long dusty road of mine

But I ain't missin' you at all

Since you've been gone... Away

I aint missin' you at

No matter what my friends say

And there's a message that I'm sendin' out

Like a telegraph to your soul

I can't bridge this distance

Honey, stop this heartache overload

I ain't missin' you at all

Since you've been gone... Away

I ain't missin' you

No matter what my friends say

I ain't missin' you

Since you've been gone... Away

I ain't missin you

Yeah, no matter what your friends say

Hey yeah, yeah yeah yeah

I ain't missin you at all

Since you've been gone... Away

I ain't missin' you

No

i aint missing you because in my heart you'd stay. 

to the new love of my life

i think its an age of discovery. i think its a time of knowledge. i think its a time of unearthing.

i don't know you a lot about you, just bits and pieces of stories and scattered whispers. i do not know much about your childhood, or the past you lived through. i wasn't there when you scraped your knee on the pavement, or when you took your first step. i never experienced the childhood you had, or most of the places you've been too. so let me in, show me pandora's box. allow me to immerse myself in the colorful chapters that you call your own. permit me to grasp in my hand the things that made you who you are.

[Verse 1:]

There's a place in your heart where nobody's been.

Take me there.

Things nobody knows, not even your friends.

Take me there.

Tell me about your momma, your daddy, your home town, show me around.

I wanna see it all, don't leave anything out.

[Chorus:]

I wanna know, everything about you.

And I wanna go, down every road you've been.

Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live, where you keep the rest of your life hid.

I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare.

Take me there.

[Verse 2:]

Your first real kiss, your first true love, you were scared.

Show me where.

You learned about life, spent your summer nights, without a care.

Take me there.

I wanna roll down mainstreet and backroads like you did when you were a kid.

What makes you who you are, tell me what your story is.

[Chorus 2x:]

I wanna know, everything about you.

And I wanna go, down every road you've been.

Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live, where you keep the rest of your life hid.

I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare.

Take me there.

I wanna roll down mainstreet.

I wanna know your hopes and your dreams.

Take me, take me there.

Yeah.

** take me there by rascal flatts [i'm so loving them right now]

we are all innocent

i first heard this song in a retreat three years ago. i fell in love with the lyrics because they echoed so strongly the feelings i was having at that time. i especially love that in a world that is very much self-centered and filled with hatred the innocence of love flourishes.

Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous

Spends his time alone 

In the basement

With Lennon and Cobain

A guitar and a stereo

While he wishes he 

Could escape this

It all seems so contagious

Not to be yourself and faceless

In a song that has no soul

[Chorus:]

I remember feeling low

I remember losing hope

I remember all the feelings

And the day they stopped

We are, 

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are, we are

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are 

Oh, Tina’s losing faith in what she knows

Hates her music 

Hates all of her clothes

Thinks of surgery

And a new nose

Every calorie is a war

While she wishes she 

Was a dancer

And that she'd never 

Heard of cancer

She wishes God would give her

Some answers

And make her feel beautiful

[Chorus]

One day

You'll have to let it go,

Oh

One day 

You'll stand up on your own, you'll stand up on your own

Yeah

Remember losing hope, 

Remember feeling low, 

Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, 

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are, we are, 

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are

We are, 

We are all innocent

(One day, you'll have to let it go, you'll have to let it go)

We are all innocent

We are, we are, we are, 

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are

We are, 

We are all innocent

(One day, you'll stand up on your own, stand up on your own)

We are all innocent

We are, we are, we are, 

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are

We are... we are all innocent..

i think in a world that is getting unkind every day, in a society that is filled with strangers we must reach out to become the friendly face in a crowd and the loving gaze in a sea of indifference. i'm sure there would be a time in our lives when hopelessness is the only emotion we'd feel, or if anger is the only consuming affect in our bodies but that is the challenge...what would you do?

tell me

tell me what do you see when you look at me.
tell me what kind of eyes stare back at you.
tell me what emotions are etched on my face.
tell me what kind of person is in front of you.

tell me...

because there are just some days where i cant face the person staring back at me in the mirror.

drifting

like a leaf swaying downward into the ground.

like a piece of wood moving in the sea going no where.

like a feather just floating in the air destination-less.

like a piece of paper thrown upward left to find its landing point.

i'm drifting. anchor me.

Bless the Broken Road

I've told M. enough times already that i think he is the answer to my prayers. i prayed a lot after a failed relationship that left me very vulnerable and scarred. this song, captures the essence of how we came to be what we are now.

Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

100% girl

i remember this and how much it made me cry the first time i read it. :) keep clicking on the picture that will appear and another one would pop out. read until the end.

click here

a daugther's surprise

** from my friendster blog Dec 15, 2005 **

i got an amazing surprise yesterday..while browsing through some old notebooks and what have you’s in the attic i came upon a yellow steno notebook…[which i ofcourse read] and inside i was surprised to find something written by my mother dated october 21 1998…all about me! here let me share it with you..

Isabel cooked french toast. she said she was cooking some to bring to Tita Guapa and was saving some for me so i can have a snack when i get home.

Isabel is keen on directing plays; having her kid sister Nina act on her direction for Mommy and Daddy.

i remember on her 8th bday she organized he own bdayparty. she had taken care of every detail. from the invitations down to the games. she prepared everything and wrote the invitations on her own. all i had to do was just prepare the menu. it was a small get together but she organized everything on her own and it turned to be A-okay.

Isabel had always shown a desire to be a cheerdancer for her school team. as early as grade 2 she tried out but was only taken in on her 3rd try when she was already grade 4.

she has her quiet ways. she normally will not call attention to herself nor will she complain. when she was about 6 years old she complained of a headache which Noli and i didnt mind. we even went to mass and when we got home the yaya told us that isabel had very high fever. by then, she was already very sick but she administered her own medication; used a bimpo with ice to soothe her terrible headahe–No fuss– she was later found out to have dengue fever.

she is not very demonstrative with her feelings buy when she likes someone she can be very smothering…very sweet and thoughtful…

independent…

it ends there..imagine to my wonderful surprise when i read it all…made my day… absolutely..

going down memory lane

i was browsing through my friendster blog. something i havent done in quite sometime and this song was posted in one of the entries. i dont remember the exact context why i wrote a blog around this song but watching the MTV...it was quite evocative.

i think it's an ode to all our life's regrets and "What if"'s and it's come in quite an opportune moment. especially since there are a lot of questions swirling in my head.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

** What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

plateau

listening to the crooned romantic songs in my laptop. there is a heaviness that has settled in me. it is a heaviness i cannot explain. perhaps it's got something to do with school or hormones. but it doesnt sit well with me.

i'm finding, that despite being surrounded by loving people, there are things i cannot share. there are things i cant seem to speak out loud and this limits me. i have always loved words and the power to be found in them. and i find myself restricted at the moment. my life, whatever roller coaster it may be, has frozen on a plateau.

i find that i need to be shaken. i need to be moved. i need to pushed into motion. i have to pull outside of me this kinetic thrust into something more than a sedentary life. little has not inspired me so fully as the past has. the one big thing in my life now is M. faith is experiencing drought. i claw at air when i say that the WORD is empty and silent. the songs that used to be so evocative are plaintive. i rejoiced in the silence. but i am finding out that the silence is disconcerting and deafening.

it has been a while since i last wrote in my journal. this laptop of mine has made it so easy for my hands to follow my thoughts that writing things down has taken a back seat. i used to enjoy writing things down on paper. to watch as a story unfolded and to see my hand fly from one corner to another was a creative process. it made me play at being God to know that at some point i created something. but now it takes so much out of me to open a notebook and take a pen out.

i am restless. in the quiet i find i cannot sit still enough to enjoy the peace. i am waiting for something, but it is something that hasnt been realized. i feel a storm brewing before me. like an impending doom looming in the horizon. i feel helpless. and i pray that this isnt so.

turnaround.

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

i'm missing you

heard this song play in the car a while back as i drove my sister to Ateneo. i cant remember the last time i felt this way. it's a heady emotion that's just gone straight to the heart. i ache and echo with the words of this song. is it possible to feel this way at such short notice?

it has become a rare occassion where i give in to sentimentality. it's been quite a while since i felt such strong tuggings in my heart. i really cant explain it, and even if i tried i dont think i'd give it justice. i am happy. it's so simplistic to say it as such but i am. happiness can mean so many and yet it says so little.

Thought I heard your voice yesterday
When I turned around to say
That I loved you baby
I realize, it was just my mind
Played tricks on me

And it seems colder lately at night
And I try to sleep with the lights on
Every time the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
And I just can't believe
That we're through

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

Is it turning over this time
Have we really changed our minds about each other's love
All the feelings that we used to share
I refuse to believe
That you don't care

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

I've got to gather myself as together
I've been through worst kinds of weather
If it's over now
Then I'll be strong
Can't believe that you're gone
I've got to carry over

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

Oh there's no other way to say it
I can't deny it
I miss you baby
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

Oh no other way to say it
I miss you baby
There's no other
That you're deprived of me now
That you're deprived of me now
I miss you
Said I can't deny it
I, I, I, I miss you baby
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

i think my friends will laugh when they read this. perhaps they'll even turn their heads in disgust. they don't understand. but most of them see the smile on my face or the way i glow--its dawns on them to just let me be. there is perhaps only one other person who will be able to congratulate me, and even share in this joy. she's busy experiencing the time of her own life now. kindred souls i should say. kindred spirits.

i'm missing you babe. cant wait for you to get back here. life is perfect when i'm in your arms.

raining

sitting in eco class, i saw a glimpse of love. a few feet away from me a couple hugged in the staircase. the thing that made it even more poignant for me was the guy --he was wearing a la sallian jacket.

there's a picture in my head. a picture ive never truly been able to erase. in it there's a gloomy skyline. it's raining hard. and you see two people sharing an umbrella. they're walking down a path. then they turn. look at each other and share a moment.

i miss sharing moments. i miss looking at eyes that reflect the love i feel. i miss holding someone that fits perfectly. i miss so many things. i miss you.

providence

i got to school early this morning. as i passed by the kostka extension i hear a few lines from a song, which i still cant name.

"why did you have to leave me?"

it's funny how a few lines can resonate inside you like a timbre. M left for legazpi yesterday and i'm finally beginning to feel the effects of him not being here. i saw him monday night and it was wonderful. haven't laughed that much and that loud in a while. a real long while. in between bottles of beers and hilarious stories i felt so at home. so comfortable. so at peace.

there's a funny thing at work here. there's a providence shining upon us. i was talking to him on the phone a while ago and he said that he prayed to be in a relationship a year back. he prayed, and even nuns helped him pray. and i stopped dead in my tracks. because i too was praying at just about the same time. i remember crying on ate kathy's shoulder and telling her how i wanted to be loved for who i was. i remember writing about love and how i wanted it to be my turn. i remember...i remember it all. it's falling into place. in an eerie way i see the picture finally takind form.

i used to be so doubtful about this relationship. there were so many factors, so it seemed, working against what we had. he's older. i'm younger. he's more wordly. i'm a naivete. but it's falling into place now. everything is blessed. everything is graced. is this what it feels like? for the first time i feel so free. my parents know, and approve of him. i feel loved in a way i havent felt. it's liberating.

i am in waiting. waiting for him to come back. but it's expectant. it's not that kind that you feel when you dont know what you're waiting for. it's anticipation.

"I want you to stay, never go away from me
stay forever"

** i found the song: Stay by Carol Banawa

lonely.

people fear a lot of things. there are a lot of things you can attach the suffix -phobia to. but my one greatest fear...the one thing that will get everything I consider "me" is loneliness.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

i dont know if this is true by Lifehouse is a Christian band. so if you juxtapose these lyrics with the faith life i have come to lead. these are the lyrics to the song "Broken". and there are times in my life when i do feel lonely. despite the care i put into building relationships, or the attention i give to those special in my life. there is a part of me that has this great fear of being alone. a part of me that shakes and quivers with the thought that no one can understand.

"I'm hanging on another day...YOU said that I will be okay". i am a believer in knowing that a grand and master plan is at work here. i am a believer in the limitedness that humans possess. i am a believer that we are creatures of a Creator. but a belief that quivers is not properly grounded. i was promised greatness. i was promised wonders. i was promises amazement.

"I am barely holding on to YOU". take me back to that time I fell in love. take me back to that time i came to know "I am". take me back to that time i became forgiven. let me remember with poignant clarity the joy of beig yours. let me remember. help me remember. the joys you have promised me are somewhat being clouded by a darkened shroud. it is cold in the loneliness. disensitized.

thought-less-ness

i've come to learn that it is in the silence where glories are revealed. yesterday while lying in a bed, looking at the whitewashed panelings and newly painted windows i was struck on how my life has come full circle. encased in muscle and sinew, following an aftermath of emotions, i relish the quiet.

i hear the steady beating of a heartbeat. i feel the rhythm of a breath. i see unguarded gazes. and i watch. i wait and see.

i come equipped with an analytical mind. i come equipped with a mind that thinks too much. but at that moment i remain still. the noise in my head is loud and painful. the angry conscience is berating endlessly. but the funny thing is i feel no fear. the girl i used to be would be scrambling for reasons and answers. but with age and maturity, i find peace.

the choices i have made, a lot would never understand. the things i have done many would not condone. but i am loved. i think that is enough. i pray that is enough. because in the end that is all we really have to give and in turn receive.

in the stillness i pray for true love to be revealed. it this it?