providence

i got to school early this morning. as i passed by the kostka extension i hear a few lines from a song, which i still cant name.

"why did you have to leave me?"

it's funny how a few lines can resonate inside you like a timbre. M left for legazpi yesterday and i'm finally beginning to feel the effects of him not being here. i saw him monday night and it was wonderful. haven't laughed that much and that loud in a while. a real long while. in between bottles of beers and hilarious stories i felt so at home. so comfortable. so at peace.

there's a funny thing at work here. there's a providence shining upon us. i was talking to him on the phone a while ago and he said that he prayed to be in a relationship a year back. he prayed, and even nuns helped him pray. and i stopped dead in my tracks. because i too was praying at just about the same time. i remember crying on ate kathy's shoulder and telling her how i wanted to be loved for who i was. i remember writing about love and how i wanted it to be my turn. i remember...i remember it all. it's falling into place. in an eerie way i see the picture finally takind form.

i used to be so doubtful about this relationship. there were so many factors, so it seemed, working against what we had. he's older. i'm younger. he's more wordly. i'm a naivete. but it's falling into place now. everything is blessed. everything is graced. is this what it feels like? for the first time i feel so free. my parents know, and approve of him. i feel loved in a way i havent felt. it's liberating.

i am in waiting. waiting for him to come back. but it's expectant. it's not that kind that you feel when you dont know what you're waiting for. it's anticipation.

"I want you to stay, never go away from me
stay forever"

** i found the song: Stay by Carol Banawa