The Climb

in all honesty i'm not a fan of Miley Cyrus. I find her too pretentious of a person to put any real emotion in the characters she portrays. But i cannot discount the fact that this last song of hers really has some merit. i like the words, but hate how she sang it, especially the video.

I can almost see it

That dream I’m dreaming but

There’s a voice inside my head sayin,

You’ll never reach it,

Every step I’m taking,

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking but I

Got to keep trying

Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain

I’m always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,

Ain’t about how fast I get there,

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,

The chances I’m taking

Sometimes they might knock me down but

No I’m not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I’m going to remember most yeah

Just got to keep going

And I,

I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on,

cause

There’s always going to be another mountain

I’m always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,

Ain’t about how fast I get there,

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain

I’m always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Somebody's you're going to have to lose,

Ain’t about how fast I get there,

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

Keep on moving

Keep climbing

Keep the faith baby

It’s all about

It’s all about

The climb

Keep the faith

Keep your faith

watching over the carcass

**written December 21, 2006

it feels different.

it feels surreal.

im looking from above at the mangled pieces, jagged bones, lifeless limbs and bloodied floor. this carcass...this empty and void being used to be me.

this is what happens when you let people close. this is what happens when you become vulnerable. this is what happens when you open yourself up.

this is what happens when you love.

you get judged.you get hurt. you bleed. you get cut. you shed tears. you get avoided. you get discouraged. you get turned down. you get rejected. you feel hate. you feel animosity. you feel discrimanation.

...until all that is left of you is this...a carcass...

im looking at myself now feeling nothing. im drained of it all. in a funny way i feel numb. ironic isnt it, that the people you care for the most are the ones who cut the deepest wounds. and in the darkness while you bleed they cant see you cry. they cant see the way words inflict hurt. the way stares cause pain. they cant see you hurting. and it is in the silence of darkness the cold reality hits.

i dont want to be cynical and bitter. to just close myself up because it means less pain. but sometimes pain has a way of getting to you. taking you to that point where you really dont care anymore. and im close to that point. im close to throwing the towel in. im close to saying "the hell with it".

...because what else have i got to lose..im mangled and broken.

Scars

** written by Me on March 21, 2007

funny how words transcend time.

shouts and screams flung in every direction

happiness drowned in the volume of hate

wavering strength in the face of danger

fear etched in every line and crevice

dreams of haunt and despair

i claw and and scratch at something

draw blood and create gorges

clamouring to rid myself of this sin

my life is no longer my own i think

i might come out of this

with battle wounds and tears

In the Dark

the waters are swaying so angrily

the winds are blowing with such fury

the skies so bleak, no light can penetrate

i stand on a precipice

watching life pass me by

i see the broken shambles

the jagged rocks await my fall

the tears have left their trace

the wounds no longer bleed

the scabs are dried over

i hold on to a promise

that just seems hollow now

i cling to emotions

for they have ravaged me

the darkness has enclosed me

the coldness wrapped its flimsy arms

the light long since abandoned

i no longer expect

too weary of the race run

i cling to a hope

to be found in the stillness

Thinking Of You

such a sad song..

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on 
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you 
What you would do if
You were the one 
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy 
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in 
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you 
What you would do if
You were the one 
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you 
What you would do if
You were the one 
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes 
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through 
And bust in the door 
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...
stay....

Imogen Heap

her voice has that haunting quality that seems almost otherwordly. i was browsing for her songs when i realized that she too did a cover for "HALLELUJAH". i downloaded it immediately and let her voice resonate inside the den. it helps me feel better.

Baby I've been here before 

I've seen this room and I've walked this floor 

I used to live alone before I knew you 

I've seen your flag on the marble arch 

but love is not some victory march 

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

There was a time when you let me know 

What's really going on below 

But now you never show that it to me, do you? 

Remember when I moved in you 

The Holy dove was moving too 

And every breath we drew was hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

_____________________

the complete lyrics:

I heard there was a secret chord 
That David played and it pleased the Lord 
But you don't really care for music, do you? 
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, 

you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you 
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, 

she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; 

I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you 
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, 

it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, 

but now you never show it to me, do you? (and) 
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dove was moving too, a

nd every breath we drew was Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love 

was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you 
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light,

 its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu--jah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu---u---jah 

thoughts on turning 21

in a few days, 9 to be exact, ill be growing one year older. another number will be added to the two decades i've been on this earth. 

for the first time in a long while i suddenly lost all the enthusiasm i had earlier on this year. turning 21 doesnt seem to be such a good idea anymore. i pinned so much hope in it, you know? putting it up there alongside graduation. but now, nearing the home stretch, im finding the energy being stripped off me. my mom was recently dealt with some bad news, which affects the entire family. and it doesn't feel right for me to celebrate my birthday in these circumstances. 

i really am hoping for a miracle. something that will surprise me enough to jolt me out of the melancholia. the funny thing is, this is one of those years where i actually can celebrate. most of the time the 17th falls on holy week, and being a Catholic Family it isn't right to celebrate your birthday on the week Jesus is persecuted and killed. 

i'm turning 21, and yes i am very much thankful for the blessings i've received in the past year. healing. love. peace. accomplishment. growth. development. but looking at the bleakness of tomorrow, and the coming days, there doesn't seem much to celebrate. if ever M. gets to read this, he'll blast me with the optimism that is characteristic of him. he'll tell me, "at least be thankful you're alive". and yes I am. but...the big but...i was just expecting so much more. you know? perhaps this sadness is emanating from unfulfilled wishes and expectations. 

comparing my birthday last year, i had such a blast. scenarios are the same. we were gearing up to serve in YE6. but prior to my birthday i was learning how to feel again. that was when i met M.. i was learning how to walk on my two feet without the crutches of Joven by my side. i received a bouquet of flowers on my birthday. and that isnt a common occurrence. i got so much in well wishing and prayers. a deluge of them all. but this year people are too busy, too worried, to anxious, to sit down and celebrate with me. it doesn't have to be big. it doesn't even have to be anything. just a cupcake, a candle, and people who matter most. a few laughs, a worry free environment. just to take a few moments out of that day to join me in saying "thank God for one more year.". i won't even be having the entire day because alongside my friends, i will be serving for the YE weekend. i'm giving the rest of the day and the entire weekend to God. 

i was just hoping for more. you know? not this uncertainty. not this worry. not this melancholy. not this sadness. not this at all. 

_____________________________________________________________

to share the email that ate kathy sent me, perhaps the message will hit some other day.

Birthday's need to be celebrated.  I think it is more important to celebrate a birthday than a successful exam, a promotion, or a victory.  Because to celebrate a birthday means to say to someone:  "Thank you for being you."  Celebrating a birthday is exalting life and being glad for it.   On a birthday we do not say:  "Thanks for what you did or said, or accomplished."  We say:  "Thank you for being born and being among us."

On birthdays we celebrate the present.  We do not complain about what happened or speculate about what will happen, but we lift someone up and let everyone say:  "We love you."

Celebrating a birthday reminds us of the goodness of life, and in this spirit we really need to celebrate people's birthdays every day, by showing gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness, and affection.  These are ways of saying, "It's good that you are alive; it's good that you are walking with me on this earth.  Let's be glad and rejoice.  This is the day that  God has made for us to be and to be together.

- Henry Nouwen

The Wishlist

**repost with editing from Multiply Blog

in one of my boring subjects, as is the case when i make these lists, i thought of my birthday wishes.

twenty one things for my twenty first birthday. funny i dont usually make these kinds of lists, i find them begging to much, but i had so much success last year. and it wasn't even deliberate, some of them were of course, but some were just coincidental. by claiming things i guess, you really do get to achieve them somehow.

so here goes.

1. retreat (April 17-19 | YE Weekend)

2. flowers (April 17 | Martin)

3. chocolate cake (April 17 | Martin)

4. book [judith mcnaught/jude deveraux] (February 28,2009 | Martin)

5. job (April | RCBC)

6. brooklyn pizza

7. high heeled shoes (March 27 | Mom)

8. surprise party (April 17 | Nina)

9. a new pair of pants

10. bikini

11. 5 lbs less

12. travel adventure [anywhere fun!] (April 3-6 | With Family) (April 21-24 | Martin, Mia, JA)

13. pierce my ears one more time [2nd hole]

14. a new phone (February 1, 2009)

15. cute beautiful notebook to keep my thoughts in

16. rubber shoes [running]

17. original copy of a movie [one of my favorites]

18. hillsong cd [latest album]

19. a romantic dinner underneath a full moon [with dancing]

20. silver ring [to replace an old one] (April 17 | Martin)

21. a new camera [point and shoot]

Graduate

last march 28 i finally said good bye, if albeit temporarily who knows, to the life of a student. i graduated in the presence of my peers and special loved ones. in the heat of the summer night, despite wearing an almost floor length toga, the sweat running down my back could in no way dampen the joy of knowing that i've reach the culmination of all my academic efforts.

four years ago i entered the university of my choice in a course that i knew little about except that it was challenging. at that time it was enough, armed with the pride of knowing i was one of the best in  my high school it served to further my self worth to know i was accepted in one of the schools more challenging courses that had produced good and employable graduates. added to this bonus is that i was grouped with people who were equally ambitious and determined. we were 25 individuals, although not all of us would graduate with the same course. i fueled my desire to learn and to mingle with a minor degree in European Studies. however i was not able to finish it in time. despite this my four years of college life will forever be the most liberating and memorable of all my school years. 

it was during these four years i have blossomed to become who i am today. armed with my experiences and exploits i feel more confident in myself. i grew more active in church activities, school organizations and social involvements. met exciting people from different walks of life, cultures and social hierarchy. ateneo will symbolize for me, aside form Magis or Cura Personalis a place where academic learning is only half of the equation, but to reap the benefits of a true education social improvement must be included. 

as i ponder what the future will hold for me, and what my next few decisions would mean as an impact in my life. i look back on what it felt like entering the gates of Ateneo for the first time, and meeting those I have encountered for the first time. it has been a whirlwind of experiences and a multitude of learnings. i miss already my blockmates, favorite teachers and usual hang outs. i miss having to wake up early to attend 7.30 classes, walking to the covered courts for PE, registering in Aisis for my classes, entering the library with dress code, cutting class to watch a movie, free wifi, eating pork chop at Manang's, sleeping in the benches and watching the school's grounds wake up as the day progresses. 

the school's motto, aside from Lux in Domino, is Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam. it resonates my high school's alma mater Ut im Omnibus Glorificatur Dei. That in all things God may be glorifed, For the greater glory of God. in every action, in every thought and in every deed; they must all be a reflection of my Christian values. to bring glory to God in my stay here on Earth. and I hope to continue this legacy as i officially enter the work force this may. with fingers crossed and with hopes held high i look forward to the joys and pitfalls of earning my own keep. and i know I am ready only because i have been readied by Ateneo.

shard of glass

in close inspection, i found a small shard of glass on my foot. it wasnt at all big, even miniscule in standards. but a foreign object embeded on my skin is something. 

i'm in reflection and contemplation of my past few days and the image staring back at me isnt exactly pleasing. M. would say I'm giving in to my negative leanings, looking at my life in a glass-is-half-empty kind of way. but i'm a planner, i organize to the last details. and in the last minute my plans are falling apart. like a glass shard, something external has disrupted the normal flowings of my life. i'm entitled to feeling disappointed I think. and i'm happy to say that I'm learning to let go of things I can't control at an easier rate. 

as I said good bye to M. this fternoon, when he dropped me off after the party, there was this unsettling feeling in me. a part felt unappreciated, like I was an after thought. Ofcourse I know he doesnt mean to, not even close to being his intention. But there are times when i do feel like an annotation instead of the main read. he has this vast life here, something that is completely mapped out and I'm the new element. Perhaps these are just unfounded fears, getting to learn more about the life we're building together. so i push these kinda of pessimistic thoughts aside and focus, as he has repeatedly told me, on the fruits of our togetherness. 

it's just sometimes there are these small shards of glass that puncture the otherwise rosy bubble. maybe these foreign object are necesary. perhaps needed. i just need time to adjust. 

Vain.

during my idle moments. :) 

i'm falling in love with sepia. it has this old world charm that attracts me. 

You are the only one

on the way to lee's house this song played on the radio. havent heard it in a while but the mood fit the craziness inside my mind. 

By Maria Mena

Well I saw you with your hands above your head
Spinning around, trying not to look down
But you did, and you fell, hard on the ground
Then you stumbled around for a good ten minutes
And I said I'd never seen anyone look so dumb before
And you laughed and said I still know how to turn you on though

You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

And I probably forgot to tell you this
Like that time I forgot to tell you about the scar
Remember how uncomfortable that made you feel?
See you're not what I expected
But you're the only one who knows how to handle me
And you're such a great kisser and I know that you agree

You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

I hope you can forgive me for that time
When I put my hand between your legs
And said it was small
Cuz its really not at all
I guess there's just a part of me that likes to bring you down
Just to keep you around
Cuz the day that you realize how amazing you are
You're gonna leave me

You're the only one who
Holds my hair back when I'm drunk and get sick
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

Exactly what I mean

Well I saw you with your hands above your head
Spinning around, trying not to look down
But you did, and you fell, hard on the ground

Fairy tales?

i think there comes an age for girls to grow up. and this happens when you finally realize that fairy tales don't exist. that whole bull that disney feeds us about a prince charming that will ride us off into the sunset for happily ever after? it's not going to happen. 

sleeping beauty was lucky.

snow white was an exception.

cinderella had a fairy god mother.

belle had magic on her side.

how about us? the normal average human beings that have no access to the bippity boppity boo? we have what you call REALITY. and that's the thing that finally hit me. i live a life of realism. a life where if you wish it, things would go wrong. if you could imagine a disaster perhaps it's happened before. those story book love stories happen only to a few people in this time. Grace Kelly perhaps. but who is to say I'm one of them? dreams are for the fools that hope in an ideal. 

you could say that even the disney princesses had to undergo some sort of struggle.

sleeping beauty had the curse.

snow white had a jealous step mother.

cinderella had evil step sisters and a kitchen to clean.

belle had to fall in love with a beast.

girls in the real age, modern contemporary setting have curses to overcome, bitches to step over, houses to clean, work to get done and there are enormous amount of assholes who disguise themselves as princes worth loving. but we have no magic apple, no wand, no magic, no seven dwarfs. so i think we got the shorter end of the deal. 

fairy tales don't exist. just a healthy dose of what's staring you in the face. 

however that isn't to say that we dont have happy moments. or the kinds that remind us of the fairy book ending we read about. we do. the scarcity of them happening. and the undeniable odds that they become possible are what helps us treasure them even more. 

which is something, according to M. i don't do often enough. 

In Retrospect

according to www.dictionary.com retrospect is defined as "a contemplation of the past".

i think that's what i do with my writing. to think about what has gone in order to understand what will be. so much has passed by, and the intensity of these activities has left me breathless for a while. it was just a few weeks ago that we were asked to complete a personal strategic plan that i realized, aside from being extremely blessed i am as well extremely lacking in the pursuit of my dreams.

there are so much i want to achieve in a lifetime that i dont even know how long it spans. so in the course of three years i am committing myself to a routine that is rigid with activity and passes in the movement of light. in a few more days i will taste what some have been dreading and some have been looking forward too: graduation. a final good bye to the academic life and an initial submersion into what is called reality. no longer will i be dependent on the successes of my parents or loved ones but will realize the effort and fulfillment it takes to stand on my own two feet. this idea scares but most of all excites me. 

i am looking forward to meeting people. that has always been the merits of going out into the world and stretching my wings. in the next three years i hope to joing the singles apostolate, encounter people at work and join voluntary ogranizations. before settling down i want to at least help in Gawad Kalinga or Habitat for Humanity. to be altruistic, to be selfless, to be an embodiment of agape. that i cannot do without. and to live it out, despite the hectic-ness of my schedules will be a challenge act to balance. 

i faced a "hurdle" of my own today. in the endless pursuit for the ideal job i was especially interested with this one. RCBC was my mom's first employer, it was a job she carried on until after i was born and into my childhood years. i grew up running around her feet at the office, playing clerk while she talked with clients. I was JFK,Jr in the white house, in that iconic photo of him sticking his head out underneath his father's desk. i had a preliminary interview with a panel of five for their officer development program. it is a 12month program that will train and provide opportunities for fresh graduates to enter a junior managerial level upon the termination of the program. a panel of five stranger who would decide upon my future, whether or not i would be deemed suitable for a position in a company that they have been working for. 

i made it.

yup, i just received a text saying i've made it through this morning's interview and now i'm set to undergo their whole day psycho-analytical, intellectual, verbal proficiency test. on march 5, 2009 from 9.00-16.30. a whole day event where i cannot just rest on my laurels but find, somewhere, a competitive advantage that will include me in this class of 15 for the ODP. it scares me, this prospect, because in all honesty I want it. people keep telling me to aim for MNCs or MT positions. but this is a MT positions, however in a Filipino operated company. it may not be the best out there, but it is a ripe opportunity. 

they showed us the culminating project of the class before us, a class that graduated 15 individuals who now are on their way to pave their careers beautifully. it was a video and it played a song that reminded me of this journey i'm about to embark on. 

At the Beginning - Anastacia OST

We were strangers starting out on our journey

Never dreaming what we'd have to go through

Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing

At the beginning with you

No one told me I was going to find you

Unexpected what you did to my heart

When I lost hope you were there to remind me

This is the start

(chorus)

And Life is a road and I want to keep going

Love is a river I want to keep flowing

Life is a road now and forever

A Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning

I'll be there when the storm is through

In the end I wanna be standing

At the beginning with you

We were strangers on a crazy adventure

Never dreaming how our dreams would come true

Now here we stand unafraid of the future

At the beginning with you

(chorus)

I knew there was somebody somewhere

Like me alone in the dark

I know that my dream will live on

I've been waiting so long

Nothing's gonna tear us apart

(chorus)

In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you 

Nights in Rodanthe

i just finished watching the movie, and although I have never had the chance to read the book I'm pretty sure the story line still goes the same. the first thing that drew me to the movie was the fact Richard Gere would be starrin in it, and the other thing was it was written by Nicholas Sparks. Of all his books I've only read two, and both have been tear jerkers. I expected this to be the same however I did not anticipate how much the story would remind me of myself.

Adrienne.

I was Adrienne. For a very long time I was stuck in the routines of life. Of doing things because they were mechanical. School was something I'd go to Mondays to Fridays, worry about on occassion but most of the time disregard. My love life was the same. I was so used to saying I love you that it never really meant anything anymore. Seeing Joven's face became so common place, that I just accepted things as they were. I went with the flow simply because it was easier, not having to think at all. I was a robot in a monotonous life that showed some fulfillment, but it wasnt enough.

I needed something to jolt me. To move me into an existence that i deserved. Stepping out of the comforts of this robotic life was a hard step, a complicated one. How do you shake off four years of habituation? How do you just shed four years of dust and atrophied muscles? I didn't event think I could do it. It took me a while to remember how to really smile again, how to have silent glances and girly giggles. It took me a while recognize what a true life could be like.

Rodanthe.

I too had my own Rodanthe. A place where I could escape the bindings of monotony and feel vitality once more ebb into the shell I called myself. I don't remember how it started, I don't recall the exact moment, but I do remember the wondrous feeling of peace. For the first time, in a very long time, I was able to wake up without a burden on my shoulders. I didn't, at first, recognize what it meant to be free. I no longer felt ashamed, embarassed, unloved, taken forgranted, disgraced. I realized my worth, what I was as a person. When something huge hits you, sometimes in the shock of things you finally see your surrounding in clarity. My life flashed before me in clarity, in a distinct, unbiased way I saw myself for what I was. I was pitiful. In an effort to be merciful and selfless I gave too much of me for a cause that wasn't worth it any longer. In the purity of the moment I saw my selflessness as a disgrace to myself, and my self-worth. You have no idea how much I questioned my value in this life. I doubted my dignity, and I couldnt in all honesty respect the person I saw staring back at me in the mirror. Whenever I saw my face the only thing starring back at me was failure, and I appropriated every action, thought and deed to this. 

To get back on my own to feet required a lot of hard work, a struggle that I still have to undergo today. Everytime something reminds me of the past, there are still moments where I find myself thinking how I used to. I still second guess myself whether or not I'm enough. Sometimes I sink back to the darkness, I berate myself for not being enough. But today, after the movie, I am reminded of my own simple victories and how much it effort it took to get here. No one in this world will love me as I deserve except God. He can choose to manifest it through other people, but it is only through him will i find what i'm looking for.

Last night was a tough one for me. I felt the foundations of my new life crashing around me once more because past wounds have a way of resurfacing. And it is only now that I am reminded that there is a promise for me, one I must claim, that I will be fulfilled. I will be cared for. I will be understood. I will be loved.

I pick up the phone to call M. up, just to feel another human's voice. He is part and parcel of this utopia I am glimpsing. For this I am thankful.

The Run

martin and i joined the Ateneo Aquathlon yesterday morning. I loved the rush. :)

Thank You

feeling musical once more and nostalgic. i drove to school today browsing through the different radio stations. it's wave back wednesday for Wave 89.1, so that means songs of my generation. Generation Y. :)

Dido's songs played today. She became famous partly because of Eminem for Stan and also because her song was in the OST of Rockwell, which was the craze at that time. Yup Dr Izzy Stevens was Isabel, the alien. You never really graduate from a name don't you? Also because of this my name became d'rigeur for new parents to call their female children. So at that time, late 90's [?], there was a proliferation of Isabel's everywhere of different spellings but just the same sound.

However I've digressed once more. "Thank You" played today and while singing to it, i was reminded of my Grade 7 life. It feels so long ago, at such an alternate time. Where I thought I was old and yet it seems I was just too young. I remember reading fanfiction in the back row, dancing ballroom PE, falling into puppy love, going out to movies with girl friends and so much more. What a few years can make, dont you think??

Thank You lyrics
My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today
I'm late for work again
and even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the
day
and then you call me and it's not so bad
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last and I'm soaking through and
through
then you handed me a towel and all I see is you
and even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue
because you're near me and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

Boxes

i am a sentimental fool, the kind that hoards all these useless things simply because there's a memory of some sort attached to it. and i've been doing this for years. one of my most prized posessions in this life are my boxes. I don't remember how it started but ever since I can remember I would keep all these trinkets of mine in boxes until they were so full you couldn't possibly stuff it even more.

I remember when I was ten, as a childhood hobby me and a friend decided to decorate boxes where we would keep the letters we'd send each other. we were a troupe of three so that would mean a lot of exchange letters as the summer dragged on and our adventures took flight. hers was all done pretty in frilly colors and the latest models. Mine was an old shoe box covered with stock exchange graphs and a pink ribbon. this may have been prophetic since i now major in management economics but i loved my box. the dynamic trio, nikki patricia and i, would write each other every day for that summer [1998??] and we'd promise to keep it all in our individual boxes. of course as the years went by the letters dwindled between us three and the paper boxes deteriorated. I'm sorry to say that I no longer have the pioneer box but the habit of keeping my memories in them has not changed. over the years some friends or suitors would hear of this fascination of mine and would gift me with a box, something to store my valuables in.

in the ten or so years i've been doing it i've accumulated 5 boxes as of late. three of them filled to the brim, one almost so and the fifth one contains the beginning of a new set of memories. i have one box that contains all my debut things like the letters i got, the container of the only cake i was able to eat that day and other small things like gift wrappers and gift tags. today i placed two important things in the box i will label the dreamer. it's the valentine's day card i got from M. and a photo he took of the gummy bears [see other post] which reminds him of my ideal photo. it's a fresh start and as i put the red lid on this polka dotted sort i wonder how many more things can i place inside. in a few days time ill be adding the royce box to the mix and perhaps another card -- the friday the thirteenth gift. :) 

the boxes of my life. remeniscent of the old school charm of having bauls inlaid with capiz and crafted with intricate designs. 

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

she's a writer. amazing words. philosophical thoughts. i rediscovered her once more as i browsed through my Facebook account. a friend of mine posted a note about her. curiosity took the better of me and i, without hesitation, clicked on the link. what happened next is what i call a "literary epiphany". now i know why ate kathy's been pushing me to read her, just as she was pushing me to read coelho.

I think in Oriah I have found yet another artistic idol. the way she streams her thoughts to create rivers whose depths are so full of meaning and vitality. such depth i'm itching to swim in. the maturity in her writing, that is intersected with profound thoughts without being too philosophic is the writing style i want to emulate. to graduate from this intermediary form, into something with more weight and worth.

before writing this, I emailed the "note" i saw to M. because it reminded me so much of him. and sometimes of our relationship. we've progressed somewhat in our tandem from the honeymoon stage into something more fulfilling. in my part i've let go of the masks, the faces i have to show the general public, and instead have chosen to reveal who i am: ugly or pretty. we fight often these days. perhaps proof of our transitory move to another plateau. you relationship experts out there tell me. despite how our fights often scare me into remembering an ugly pasts, it rejuvenates me into realizing that it's a growth process. a characteristic that i'm developing into something else-- something different. this is what a relationship should be right? things havent changed so much that when i put my hand into his it still feels like a perfect fit, and when our lips meet i still fell the tingles. small things, small feelings in a bigger plane, a bigger space continuum.

here finally is the poem. sorry for the side tracked story telling.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

** From The Invitation

Rejuvinated

i have an aquathlon with M. in two weeks time. I have not run in a month. I'm out of shape.

You know, i never really knew I had a competitive side inside me. I know what it feels like to excell, to get noticed for my achievements. I thank high school for that-- plus the immense egotistic boost it gave me. But with the recent requirements and the immense pressures put upon me I couldnt find it in myself to put one foot in fron of the other for a run.

But in 2 weeks there's a competition. One I dont intend to make a fool of myself in. One I intend to finish, not gasping for air, but in winning form. So for the next 14 days I will be running, yes running everyday. except friday this week and saturday. I will be running and pacing myself. i will be running the 5 kilometers from my house to the Zapote gate and back. and since today I made good time, i expect OF MYSELF to trim it down daily. 

guess what my time was today..??

33minutes.

That's the fastest I've done in a while. and that has to go down.

goal: killer legs and an ass!! :)