watching over the carcass

**written December 21, 2006

it feels different.

it feels surreal.

im looking from above at the mangled pieces, jagged bones, lifeless limbs and bloodied floor. this carcass...this empty and void being used to be me.

this is what happens when you let people close. this is what happens when you become vulnerable. this is what happens when you open yourself up.

this is what happens when you love.

you get judged.you get hurt. you bleed. you get cut. you shed tears. you get avoided. you get discouraged. you get turned down. you get rejected. you feel hate. you feel animosity. you feel discrimanation.

...until all that is left of you is this...a carcass...

im looking at myself now feeling nothing. im drained of it all. in a funny way i feel numb. ironic isnt it, that the people you care for the most are the ones who cut the deepest wounds. and in the darkness while you bleed they cant see you cry. they cant see the way words inflict hurt. the way stares cause pain. they cant see you hurting. and it is in the silence of darkness the cold reality hits.

i dont want to be cynical and bitter. to just close myself up because it means less pain. but sometimes pain has a way of getting to you. taking you to that point where you really dont care anymore. and im close to that point. im close to throwing the towel in. im close to saying "the hell with it".

...because what else have i got to lose..im mangled and broken.