Nights in Rodanthe

i just finished watching the movie, and although I have never had the chance to read the book I'm pretty sure the story line still goes the same. the first thing that drew me to the movie was the fact Richard Gere would be starrin in it, and the other thing was it was written by Nicholas Sparks. Of all his books I've only read two, and both have been tear jerkers. I expected this to be the same however I did not anticipate how much the story would remind me of myself.

Adrienne.

I was Adrienne. For a very long time I was stuck in the routines of life. Of doing things because they were mechanical. School was something I'd go to Mondays to Fridays, worry about on occassion but most of the time disregard. My love life was the same. I was so used to saying I love you that it never really meant anything anymore. Seeing Joven's face became so common place, that I just accepted things as they were. I went with the flow simply because it was easier, not having to think at all. I was a robot in a monotonous life that showed some fulfillment, but it wasnt enough.

I needed something to jolt me. To move me into an existence that i deserved. Stepping out of the comforts of this robotic life was a hard step, a complicated one. How do you shake off four years of habituation? How do you just shed four years of dust and atrophied muscles? I didn't event think I could do it. It took me a while to remember how to really smile again, how to have silent glances and girly giggles. It took me a while recognize what a true life could be like.

Rodanthe.

I too had my own Rodanthe. A place where I could escape the bindings of monotony and feel vitality once more ebb into the shell I called myself. I don't remember how it started, I don't recall the exact moment, but I do remember the wondrous feeling of peace. For the first time, in a very long time, I was able to wake up without a burden on my shoulders. I didn't, at first, recognize what it meant to be free. I no longer felt ashamed, embarassed, unloved, taken forgranted, disgraced. I realized my worth, what I was as a person. When something huge hits you, sometimes in the shock of things you finally see your surrounding in clarity. My life flashed before me in clarity, in a distinct, unbiased way I saw myself for what I was. I was pitiful. In an effort to be merciful and selfless I gave too much of me for a cause that wasn't worth it any longer. In the purity of the moment I saw my selflessness as a disgrace to myself, and my self-worth. You have no idea how much I questioned my value in this life. I doubted my dignity, and I couldnt in all honesty respect the person I saw staring back at me in the mirror. Whenever I saw my face the only thing starring back at me was failure, and I appropriated every action, thought and deed to this. 

To get back on my own to feet required a lot of hard work, a struggle that I still have to undergo today. Everytime something reminds me of the past, there are still moments where I find myself thinking how I used to. I still second guess myself whether or not I'm enough. Sometimes I sink back to the darkness, I berate myself for not being enough. But today, after the movie, I am reminded of my own simple victories and how much it effort it took to get here. No one in this world will love me as I deserve except God. He can choose to manifest it through other people, but it is only through him will i find what i'm looking for.

Last night was a tough one for me. I felt the foundations of my new life crashing around me once more because past wounds have a way of resurfacing. And it is only now that I am reminded that there is a promise for me, one I must claim, that I will be fulfilled. I will be cared for. I will be understood. I will be loved.

I pick up the phone to call M. up, just to feel another human's voice. He is part and parcel of this utopia I am glimpsing. For this I am thankful.