thoughts on turning 21

in a few days, 9 to be exact, ill be growing one year older. another number will be added to the two decades i've been on this earth. 

for the first time in a long while i suddenly lost all the enthusiasm i had earlier on this year. turning 21 doesnt seem to be such a good idea anymore. i pinned so much hope in it, you know? putting it up there alongside graduation. but now, nearing the home stretch, im finding the energy being stripped off me. my mom was recently dealt with some bad news, which affects the entire family. and it doesn't feel right for me to celebrate my birthday in these circumstances. 

i really am hoping for a miracle. something that will surprise me enough to jolt me out of the melancholia. the funny thing is, this is one of those years where i actually can celebrate. most of the time the 17th falls on holy week, and being a Catholic Family it isn't right to celebrate your birthday on the week Jesus is persecuted and killed. 

i'm turning 21, and yes i am very much thankful for the blessings i've received in the past year. healing. love. peace. accomplishment. growth. development. but looking at the bleakness of tomorrow, and the coming days, there doesn't seem much to celebrate. if ever M. gets to read this, he'll blast me with the optimism that is characteristic of him. he'll tell me, "at least be thankful you're alive". and yes I am. but...the big but...i was just expecting so much more. you know? perhaps this sadness is emanating from unfulfilled wishes and expectations. 

comparing my birthday last year, i had such a blast. scenarios are the same. we were gearing up to serve in YE6. but prior to my birthday i was learning how to feel again. that was when i met M.. i was learning how to walk on my two feet without the crutches of Joven by my side. i received a bouquet of flowers on my birthday. and that isnt a common occurrence. i got so much in well wishing and prayers. a deluge of them all. but this year people are too busy, too worried, to anxious, to sit down and celebrate with me. it doesn't have to be big. it doesn't even have to be anything. just a cupcake, a candle, and people who matter most. a few laughs, a worry free environment. just to take a few moments out of that day to join me in saying "thank God for one more year.". i won't even be having the entire day because alongside my friends, i will be serving for the YE weekend. i'm giving the rest of the day and the entire weekend to God. 

i was just hoping for more. you know? not this uncertainty. not this worry. not this melancholy. not this sadness. not this at all. 

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to share the email that ate kathy sent me, perhaps the message will hit some other day.

Birthday's need to be celebrated.  I think it is more important to celebrate a birthday than a successful exam, a promotion, or a victory.  Because to celebrate a birthday means to say to someone:  "Thank you for being you."  Celebrating a birthday is exalting life and being glad for it.   On a birthday we do not say:  "Thanks for what you did or said, or accomplished."  We say:  "Thank you for being born and being among us."

On birthdays we celebrate the present.  We do not complain about what happened or speculate about what will happen, but we lift someone up and let everyone say:  "We love you."

Celebrating a birthday reminds us of the goodness of life, and in this spirit we really need to celebrate people's birthdays every day, by showing gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness, and affection.  These are ways of saying, "It's good that you are alive; it's good that you are walking with me on this earth.  Let's be glad and rejoice.  This is the day that  God has made for us to be and to be together.

- Henry Nouwen