plateau

listening to the crooned romantic songs in my laptop. there is a heaviness that has settled in me. it is a heaviness i cannot explain. perhaps it's got something to do with school or hormones. but it doesnt sit well with me.

i'm finding, that despite being surrounded by loving people, there are things i cannot share. there are things i cant seem to speak out loud and this limits me. i have always loved words and the power to be found in them. and i find myself restricted at the moment. my life, whatever roller coaster it may be, has frozen on a plateau.

i find that i need to be shaken. i need to be moved. i need to pushed into motion. i have to pull outside of me this kinetic thrust into something more than a sedentary life. little has not inspired me so fully as the past has. the one big thing in my life now is M. faith is experiencing drought. i claw at air when i say that the WORD is empty and silent. the songs that used to be so evocative are plaintive. i rejoiced in the silence. but i am finding out that the silence is disconcerting and deafening.

it has been a while since i last wrote in my journal. this laptop of mine has made it so easy for my hands to follow my thoughts that writing things down has taken a back seat. i used to enjoy writing things down on paper. to watch as a story unfolded and to see my hand fly from one corner to another was a creative process. it made me play at being God to know that at some point i created something. but now it takes so much out of me to open a notebook and take a pen out.

i am restless. in the quiet i find i cannot sit still enough to enjoy the peace. i am waiting for something, but it is something that hasnt been realized. i feel a storm brewing before me. like an impending doom looming in the horizon. i feel helpless. and i pray that this isnt so.