out into sea

i had a wonderful day yesterday. M. and i decided to go on a road trip to Matabungkay. it's approximately a two hour drive to get there and despite the long hours it was a very eventful ride.

we got there a little after noon and the beach was glorious. i dont frequent beaches at all, even as a child beaches were luxuries that came at seldom intervals. but that afternoon the water was close to being pristine and the sand was a shady white that felt wonderful underneath my feet. it was even more special because it was a few precious hours with someone i have come to love.

time has always been an essence to me. time is gold. time is precious. and those few hours spent with M. in solitude and peace was wonderful. despite our "advancing" years we frolicked in the water like children. playing on the sand like kids, throwing sand balls at each other, running around the dunes and hearing our own laughter ring in the air. i havent had that in quite some time. havent had that comfortable atmosphere with another person, not being able to be so free and liberated. yesterday was amazing.

we walked down the beachfront hands held in anticipation of adventure. like curious rabbits we watched small fish pass us by or fishermen catching their meal of the day or children running around or dogs digging things up or mudskippers flailing about or mangrove shoots trying to reach sunlight or the waves crash upon each other or stones erode into smoothness or our feet sink into the sand or our lips touch one another. it seemed like a tropical paradise. the beach was almost empty except for the two of us. a little piece of heaven just for two weary souls who have found each other. we sat underneath the shadow of a few trees and watch the beauty unravell before our eyes.

i saw his eyes in a glimpse. i saw what i hope is contentment. sometimes the challenge of making someone happy is daunting at best. and a question always lingers inside me..it is a question of whether or not i make him as happy as he has made [and continues to do so] me. do i make him his insides tingle the same way he does mine when he touches my hand? do i make him vibrate with the same force as he does to me when our lips touch? do i make his heart beat faster with just a look the same way his eyes affect me? do i? do i really?

i looked at the waves one last time yesterday before we left. they reminded me of the waves of doubt crashing around in my head. it is the fear talking. it is being scared of the future. but i am reminded that God has promised to lay upon my feet the desires of my heart. and M. has become that desire. he is a promise realized. the ride home reminded me of the quiet i used to relish..the quiet that has taught me peace. as the darkness covered the car, as the lights guided our travel home...i held his hand in comfort and love.

this is that leap of faith. as Peter did, out into sea. i will walk on water someday.