droning it out

it encircles me like this cloud. i watched as his writer hands flew across the key board in a flurry of imagination. but i stood still. words coming in and out, streaming from one ear to another. and yet i uttered nothing. this monologue of gigantic proportions echoes inside my mind, i do no justice to thoughts i have. and yet emotion, its swirls inside me crashing and moving. bottled up, pressurized until it hits the breaking point. i dont understand where i'm coming from, where i am headed. i do not know that path my feet are treading. and in this sea of uncertainty, in this river of doubt i float...uncaring. uncanny as it seems i am untouched. as of the moment i am numb. right now i feel nothing. this void of darkness, something i am not familiar with is eating up the light. capitulation in its essence. surrender in its purest form. i write this down with no flow of thought, or purpose. i write this down just because. now, perhaps is time i speak honestly of what is within me. now it is time to let out what can no longer be silenced. alone. i feel alone at times. especially in the quiet. i feel left behind especially in the center of movement. i see you moving forward. i see her moving back. i see them moving. i feel like i am standing still with no goal, no journey, no nothing. i understood what he meant when he said he felt incompetent. because i feel it too. i feel at a loss. i am not supposed to be placed in this position. i am me after all. i am supposed to be the best. the greatest. but i watch from the sidelines not wanting to get my feet wet. i stand in the background wishing to be part of those in the foreground. i am frustrated beyond measure by what i am left to do. i am without purpose. i am without vision. this simply isnt how i was built. help me make sense of the mysteries of my life. help me try to grasp what is beginning to unfold. help me try to listen to what is being said. i dont konw how to end this. there seems to be no proper way to conclude this revurberating echo. cant you hear it? we are being formed you and i. formed in the Refiner's fire. i just hope the pressures upon me, the pounding and unceasing molding can be made into something beautiful. do you believe that? in hope, love and faith.