a daugther's surprise

** from my friendster blog Dec 15, 2005 **

i got an amazing surprise yesterday..while browsing through some old notebooks and what have you’s in the attic i came upon a yellow steno notebook…[which i ofcourse read] and inside i was surprised to find something written by my mother dated october 21 1998…all about me! here let me share it with you..

Isabel cooked french toast. she said she was cooking some to bring to Tita Guapa and was saving some for me so i can have a snack when i get home.

Isabel is keen on directing plays; having her kid sister Nina act on her direction for Mommy and Daddy.

i remember on her 8th bday she organized he own bdayparty. she had taken care of every detail. from the invitations down to the games. she prepared everything and wrote the invitations on her own. all i had to do was just prepare the menu. it was a small get together but she organized everything on her own and it turned to be A-okay.

Isabel had always shown a desire to be a cheerdancer for her school team. as early as grade 2 she tried out but was only taken in on her 3rd try when she was already grade 4.

she has her quiet ways. she normally will not call attention to herself nor will she complain. when she was about 6 years old she complained of a headache which Noli and i didnt mind. we even went to mass and when we got home the yaya told us that isabel had very high fever. by then, she was already very sick but she administered her own medication; used a bimpo with ice to soothe her terrible headahe–No fuss– she was later found out to have dengue fever.

she is not very demonstrative with her feelings buy when she likes someone she can be very smothering…very sweet and thoughtful…

independent…

it ends there..imagine to my wonderful surprise when i read it all…made my day… absolutely..

going down memory lane

i was browsing through my friendster blog. something i havent done in quite sometime and this song was posted in one of the entries. i dont remember the exact context why i wrote a blog around this song but watching the MTV...it was quite evocative.

i think it's an ode to all our life's regrets and "What if"'s and it's come in quite an opportune moment. especially since there are a lot of questions swirling in my head.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

** What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

plateau

listening to the crooned romantic songs in my laptop. there is a heaviness that has settled in me. it is a heaviness i cannot explain. perhaps it's got something to do with school or hormones. but it doesnt sit well with me.

i'm finding, that despite being surrounded by loving people, there are things i cannot share. there are things i cant seem to speak out loud and this limits me. i have always loved words and the power to be found in them. and i find myself restricted at the moment. my life, whatever roller coaster it may be, has frozen on a plateau.

i find that i need to be shaken. i need to be moved. i need to pushed into motion. i have to pull outside of me this kinetic thrust into something more than a sedentary life. little has not inspired me so fully as the past has. the one big thing in my life now is M. faith is experiencing drought. i claw at air when i say that the WORD is empty and silent. the songs that used to be so evocative are plaintive. i rejoiced in the silence. but i am finding out that the silence is disconcerting and deafening.

it has been a while since i last wrote in my journal. this laptop of mine has made it so easy for my hands to follow my thoughts that writing things down has taken a back seat. i used to enjoy writing things down on paper. to watch as a story unfolded and to see my hand fly from one corner to another was a creative process. it made me play at being God to know that at some point i created something. but now it takes so much out of me to open a notebook and take a pen out.

i am restless. in the quiet i find i cannot sit still enough to enjoy the peace. i am waiting for something, but it is something that hasnt been realized. i feel a storm brewing before me. like an impending doom looming in the horizon. i feel helpless. and i pray that this isnt so.

turnaround.

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

i'm missing you

heard this song play in the car a while back as i drove my sister to Ateneo. i cant remember the last time i felt this way. it's a heady emotion that's just gone straight to the heart. i ache and echo with the words of this song. is it possible to feel this way at such short notice?

it has become a rare occassion where i give in to sentimentality. it's been quite a while since i felt such strong tuggings in my heart. i really cant explain it, and even if i tried i dont think i'd give it justice. i am happy. it's so simplistic to say it as such but i am. happiness can mean so many and yet it says so little.

Thought I heard your voice yesterday
When I turned around to say
That I loved you baby
I realize, it was just my mind
Played tricks on me

And it seems colder lately at night
And I try to sleep with the lights on
Every time the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
And I just can't believe
That we're through

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

Is it turning over this time
Have we really changed our minds about each other's love
All the feelings that we used to share
I refuse to believe
That you don't care

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

I've got to gather myself as together
I've been through worst kinds of weather
If it's over now
Then I'll be strong
Can't believe that you're gone
I've got to carry over

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

Oh there's no other way to say it
I can't deny it
I miss you baby
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

Oh no other way to say it
I miss you baby
There's no other
That you're deprived of me now
That you're deprived of me now
I miss you
Said I can't deny it
I, I, I, I miss you baby
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

i think my friends will laugh when they read this. perhaps they'll even turn their heads in disgust. they don't understand. but most of them see the smile on my face or the way i glow--its dawns on them to just let me be. there is perhaps only one other person who will be able to congratulate me, and even share in this joy. she's busy experiencing the time of her own life now. kindred souls i should say. kindred spirits.

i'm missing you babe. cant wait for you to get back here. life is perfect when i'm in your arms.

raining

sitting in eco class, i saw a glimpse of love. a few feet away from me a couple hugged in the staircase. the thing that made it even more poignant for me was the guy --he was wearing a la sallian jacket.

there's a picture in my head. a picture ive never truly been able to erase. in it there's a gloomy skyline. it's raining hard. and you see two people sharing an umbrella. they're walking down a path. then they turn. look at each other and share a moment.

i miss sharing moments. i miss looking at eyes that reflect the love i feel. i miss holding someone that fits perfectly. i miss so many things. i miss you.

providence

i got to school early this morning. as i passed by the kostka extension i hear a few lines from a song, which i still cant name.

"why did you have to leave me?"

it's funny how a few lines can resonate inside you like a timbre. M left for legazpi yesterday and i'm finally beginning to feel the effects of him not being here. i saw him monday night and it was wonderful. haven't laughed that much and that loud in a while. a real long while. in between bottles of beers and hilarious stories i felt so at home. so comfortable. so at peace.

there's a funny thing at work here. there's a providence shining upon us. i was talking to him on the phone a while ago and he said that he prayed to be in a relationship a year back. he prayed, and even nuns helped him pray. and i stopped dead in my tracks. because i too was praying at just about the same time. i remember crying on ate kathy's shoulder and telling her how i wanted to be loved for who i was. i remember writing about love and how i wanted it to be my turn. i remember...i remember it all. it's falling into place. in an eerie way i see the picture finally takind form.

i used to be so doubtful about this relationship. there were so many factors, so it seemed, working against what we had. he's older. i'm younger. he's more wordly. i'm a naivete. but it's falling into place now. everything is blessed. everything is graced. is this what it feels like? for the first time i feel so free. my parents know, and approve of him. i feel loved in a way i havent felt. it's liberating.

i am in waiting. waiting for him to come back. but it's expectant. it's not that kind that you feel when you dont know what you're waiting for. it's anticipation.

"I want you to stay, never go away from me
stay forever"

** i found the song: Stay by Carol Banawa

lonely.

people fear a lot of things. there are a lot of things you can attach the suffix -phobia to. but my one greatest fear...the one thing that will get everything I consider "me" is loneliness.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

i dont know if this is true by Lifehouse is a Christian band. so if you juxtapose these lyrics with the faith life i have come to lead. these are the lyrics to the song "Broken". and there are times in my life when i do feel lonely. despite the care i put into building relationships, or the attention i give to those special in my life. there is a part of me that has this great fear of being alone. a part of me that shakes and quivers with the thought that no one can understand.

"I'm hanging on another day...YOU said that I will be okay". i am a believer in knowing that a grand and master plan is at work here. i am a believer in the limitedness that humans possess. i am a believer that we are creatures of a Creator. but a belief that quivers is not properly grounded. i was promised greatness. i was promised wonders. i was promises amazement.

"I am barely holding on to YOU". take me back to that time I fell in love. take me back to that time i came to know "I am". take me back to that time i became forgiven. let me remember with poignant clarity the joy of beig yours. let me remember. help me remember. the joys you have promised me are somewhat being clouded by a darkened shroud. it is cold in the loneliness. disensitized.

thought-less-ness

i've come to learn that it is in the silence where glories are revealed. yesterday while lying in a bed, looking at the whitewashed panelings and newly painted windows i was struck on how my life has come full circle. encased in muscle and sinew, following an aftermath of emotions, i relish the quiet.

i hear the steady beating of a heartbeat. i feel the rhythm of a breath. i see unguarded gazes. and i watch. i wait and see.

i come equipped with an analytical mind. i come equipped with a mind that thinks too much. but at that moment i remain still. the noise in my head is loud and painful. the angry conscience is berating endlessly. but the funny thing is i feel no fear. the girl i used to be would be scrambling for reasons and answers. but with age and maturity, i find peace.

the choices i have made, a lot would never understand. the things i have done many would not condone. but i am loved. i think that is enough. i pray that is enough. because in the end that is all we really have to give and in turn receive.

in the stillness i pray for true love to be revealed. it this it?

Peripeteia

i am experiencing peripeteia.

peripeteia means a sudden change of events or the reversal of circumstance. and it's funny that in the spring of my life i finally see the full blossoming of promise.

i used to spend my days praying on bended knees. i used to be in expectant silence waiting for that pregnant response. i used to be crying for salvation. i used to be.

i used to be.

everything i noticed, everything i looked at, revolved around me. everything was in relation to me. everything started or operated on the premise "i". my choices. my words. mine. i thought i could carry the weight of my cross on the shoulders of a feeble human: myself. i thought that the only thing that i needed to succeed would be to rely on sheer physical strength. i set aside all the things i have come to know. i set aside the fact that i was able to conquer and claim because there was a greater power at work here. i lost sight of faith and i lost sight of selfless love. the only true reason why i could achieve what i have already achieved was because i was forgiven...was because i was saved. these words slowly ceased to exist and become forgotten. from forgiven i became forgotten. from saved i became salvaged.

i used to be.

this was who i had become then. after being renewed in promise and fervor-ed belief i return to what i originally was: human. the conquered and vanquished demons of the past, haunted and blackened memories, came back in feverish tempo. old vices and old habits that died a horrible death were resurrected in angry vengeance. i went so far away that even the sword and breastplate of truth couldn't reach me. i became used. i became the antithesis of who i could've become. and the promises of joys upon wonders and blessings upon gifts were forgotten. it's as if that cliff-side vision never happened. it's as if i was never cleansed. it's as if i was never refined.

i used to be.

so here i am in the future. so here i am in expectant waiting. so here i am in blessed stupor. because i am waiting for the to be. i am waiting for the promises. and to finally see that it is so near, so close i can almost grasp it is a reassurance of faith. you know why? because i was not left alone in the seeming darkness of a void. i no longer am in the used phase but in the future-geared tomorrow. i have been saved once more by someone who is infinitely blessed and infinitely loving. because in a sinner, in a perpetual sinner, He sees mercy. in someone who is tainted and stained He sees a product of creation. He sees me.


In the words of William Henley, "Invictus"...

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever Gods may be
for my unconquerable soul."

i am in transitions. i am changed. i am in peripeteia.

Satisfaction of Seeing a Miracle

There is something so intimate in bearing witness to a miracle.

I find it hard to see the good in life. I get too preoccupied with the things I have to worry about, or the things that don't go as planned that I don't get to see the unexpected. I am a "sigurista", planning to the most minute detail to make sure things are perfect. But as I've come to know, God likes surprising us.

It is these unexpected encounters that I think are the most profound. They come in the most obscure of times, and they are so unplanned that expecting the unexpected is just that.

I've been praying for a while now to be loved the way I needed. The kind where it was an equal relationship and feelings are reciprocated. There is a blossoming need in me, something that has not been whetted by time, to be loved and cared for. I really dont know where this urge is coming from, it just is. I've had two past romantic relationships that seem perfect in the beginning but as time passes things change. Don't get me wrong I dont call it quits just because it's getting tough. That's my problem I never really knew how to call it quits.

But God has gifted me with an answer. It is of course, not without it's challenges but it is making me realize that He hears. Perhaps the timing is perfect now, because I am seeing a miracle unfold. It is my personal miracle. Sometimes I catch myself smiling for now apparent reason. Sometimes I whistle a happy tune just because. It's divine kilig.

He's touching the parts of me that is hurting. He's healing those parts. He's making me feel loved. He's making me feel special. Imagine this, maybe God got so tired of me praying and praying for me to be loved when all along He has loved me. So he did what he had to do. He had to humble himself into a man, a level where I can relate to, to make known to me the joys of being called special. It is in the way that M treats me that I see glimpses of my personal miracle.

I dont know how to properly say this in english but : "Iba ka talaga God". Your grace has left a profound mark in me. I am amazed at the glories and marvels you set before me. You have anointed me and I live blessed.

the morning glow

i spent the night in a friend's house for school. and im now sitting on the sofa beside the frosted windows basking in the morning glow.

i find it amazing how things can seem so at peace in the morning. how everything is quiet, waiting to be placed in motion. like me. i sit here waiting for something to propel me into the frenzy of today. it's throwing yourself into life.

my future is looking brighter now. cleansing, albeit being a painful process, is a molding one. like this morning, my life is at peace in quiet momentum. in the hazy morning light i see the beauties that are within my reach. and i am in wonder.

"bring on the wonder, bring on the song
i pushed you down deep into my soul" -- Susan Enan, "Bring on the Wonder"