Peripeteia

i am experiencing peripeteia.

peripeteia means a sudden change of events or the reversal of circumstance. and it's funny that in the spring of my life i finally see the full blossoming of promise.

i used to spend my days praying on bended knees. i used to be in expectant silence waiting for that pregnant response. i used to be crying for salvation. i used to be.

i used to be.

everything i noticed, everything i looked at, revolved around me. everything was in relation to me. everything started or operated on the premise "i". my choices. my words. mine. i thought i could carry the weight of my cross on the shoulders of a feeble human: myself. i thought that the only thing that i needed to succeed would be to rely on sheer physical strength. i set aside all the things i have come to know. i set aside the fact that i was able to conquer and claim because there was a greater power at work here. i lost sight of faith and i lost sight of selfless love. the only true reason why i could achieve what i have already achieved was because i was forgiven...was because i was saved. these words slowly ceased to exist and become forgotten. from forgiven i became forgotten. from saved i became salvaged.

i used to be.

this was who i had become then. after being renewed in promise and fervor-ed belief i return to what i originally was: human. the conquered and vanquished demons of the past, haunted and blackened memories, came back in feverish tempo. old vices and old habits that died a horrible death were resurrected in angry vengeance. i went so far away that even the sword and breastplate of truth couldn't reach me. i became used. i became the antithesis of who i could've become. and the promises of joys upon wonders and blessings upon gifts were forgotten. it's as if that cliff-side vision never happened. it's as if i was never cleansed. it's as if i was never refined.

i used to be.

so here i am in the future. so here i am in expectant waiting. so here i am in blessed stupor. because i am waiting for the to be. i am waiting for the promises. and to finally see that it is so near, so close i can almost grasp it is a reassurance of faith. you know why? because i was not left alone in the seeming darkness of a void. i no longer am in the used phase but in the future-geared tomorrow. i have been saved once more by someone who is infinitely blessed and infinitely loving. because in a sinner, in a perpetual sinner, He sees mercy. in someone who is tainted and stained He sees a product of creation. He sees me.


In the words of William Henley, "Invictus"...

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever Gods may be
for my unconquerable soul."

i am in transitions. i am changed. i am in peripeteia.