lonely.

people fear a lot of things. there are a lot of things you can attach the suffix -phobia to. but my one greatest fear...the one thing that will get everything I consider "me" is loneliness.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

i dont know if this is true by Lifehouse is a Christian band. so if you juxtapose these lyrics with the faith life i have come to lead. these are the lyrics to the song "Broken". and there are times in my life when i do feel lonely. despite the care i put into building relationships, or the attention i give to those special in my life. there is a part of me that has this great fear of being alone. a part of me that shakes and quivers with the thought that no one can understand.

"I'm hanging on another day...YOU said that I will be okay". i am a believer in knowing that a grand and master plan is at work here. i am a believer in the limitedness that humans possess. i am a believer that we are creatures of a Creator. but a belief that quivers is not properly grounded. i was promised greatness. i was promised wonders. i was promises amazement.

"I am barely holding on to YOU". take me back to that time I fell in love. take me back to that time i came to know "I am". take me back to that time i became forgiven. let me remember with poignant clarity the joy of beig yours. let me remember. help me remember. the joys you have promised me are somewhat being clouded by a darkened shroud. it is cold in the loneliness. disensitized.

thought-less-ness

i've come to learn that it is in the silence where glories are revealed. yesterday while lying in a bed, looking at the whitewashed panelings and newly painted windows i was struck on how my life has come full circle. encased in muscle and sinew, following an aftermath of emotions, i relish the quiet.

i hear the steady beating of a heartbeat. i feel the rhythm of a breath. i see unguarded gazes. and i watch. i wait and see.

i come equipped with an analytical mind. i come equipped with a mind that thinks too much. but at that moment i remain still. the noise in my head is loud and painful. the angry conscience is berating endlessly. but the funny thing is i feel no fear. the girl i used to be would be scrambling for reasons and answers. but with age and maturity, i find peace.

the choices i have made, a lot would never understand. the things i have done many would not condone. but i am loved. i think that is enough. i pray that is enough. because in the end that is all we really have to give and in turn receive.

in the stillness i pray for true love to be revealed. it this it?

Peripeteia

i am experiencing peripeteia.

peripeteia means a sudden change of events or the reversal of circumstance. and it's funny that in the spring of my life i finally see the full blossoming of promise.

i used to spend my days praying on bended knees. i used to be in expectant silence waiting for that pregnant response. i used to be crying for salvation. i used to be.

i used to be.

everything i noticed, everything i looked at, revolved around me. everything was in relation to me. everything started or operated on the premise "i". my choices. my words. mine. i thought i could carry the weight of my cross on the shoulders of a feeble human: myself. i thought that the only thing that i needed to succeed would be to rely on sheer physical strength. i set aside all the things i have come to know. i set aside the fact that i was able to conquer and claim because there was a greater power at work here. i lost sight of faith and i lost sight of selfless love. the only true reason why i could achieve what i have already achieved was because i was forgiven...was because i was saved. these words slowly ceased to exist and become forgotten. from forgiven i became forgotten. from saved i became salvaged.

i used to be.

this was who i had become then. after being renewed in promise and fervor-ed belief i return to what i originally was: human. the conquered and vanquished demons of the past, haunted and blackened memories, came back in feverish tempo. old vices and old habits that died a horrible death were resurrected in angry vengeance. i went so far away that even the sword and breastplate of truth couldn't reach me. i became used. i became the antithesis of who i could've become. and the promises of joys upon wonders and blessings upon gifts were forgotten. it's as if that cliff-side vision never happened. it's as if i was never cleansed. it's as if i was never refined.

i used to be.

so here i am in the future. so here i am in expectant waiting. so here i am in blessed stupor. because i am waiting for the to be. i am waiting for the promises. and to finally see that it is so near, so close i can almost grasp it is a reassurance of faith. you know why? because i was not left alone in the seeming darkness of a void. i no longer am in the used phase but in the future-geared tomorrow. i have been saved once more by someone who is infinitely blessed and infinitely loving. because in a sinner, in a perpetual sinner, He sees mercy. in someone who is tainted and stained He sees a product of creation. He sees me.


In the words of William Henley, "Invictus"...

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever Gods may be
for my unconquerable soul."

i am in transitions. i am changed. i am in peripeteia.

Satisfaction of Seeing a Miracle

There is something so intimate in bearing witness to a miracle.

I find it hard to see the good in life. I get too preoccupied with the things I have to worry about, or the things that don't go as planned that I don't get to see the unexpected. I am a "sigurista", planning to the most minute detail to make sure things are perfect. But as I've come to know, God likes surprising us.

It is these unexpected encounters that I think are the most profound. They come in the most obscure of times, and they are so unplanned that expecting the unexpected is just that.

I've been praying for a while now to be loved the way I needed. The kind where it was an equal relationship and feelings are reciprocated. There is a blossoming need in me, something that has not been whetted by time, to be loved and cared for. I really dont know where this urge is coming from, it just is. I've had two past romantic relationships that seem perfect in the beginning but as time passes things change. Don't get me wrong I dont call it quits just because it's getting tough. That's my problem I never really knew how to call it quits.

But God has gifted me with an answer. It is of course, not without it's challenges but it is making me realize that He hears. Perhaps the timing is perfect now, because I am seeing a miracle unfold. It is my personal miracle. Sometimes I catch myself smiling for now apparent reason. Sometimes I whistle a happy tune just because. It's divine kilig.

He's touching the parts of me that is hurting. He's healing those parts. He's making me feel loved. He's making me feel special. Imagine this, maybe God got so tired of me praying and praying for me to be loved when all along He has loved me. So he did what he had to do. He had to humble himself into a man, a level where I can relate to, to make known to me the joys of being called special. It is in the way that M treats me that I see glimpses of my personal miracle.

I dont know how to properly say this in english but : "Iba ka talaga God". Your grace has left a profound mark in me. I am amazed at the glories and marvels you set before me. You have anointed me and I live blessed.

the morning glow

i spent the night in a friend's house for school. and im now sitting on the sofa beside the frosted windows basking in the morning glow.

i find it amazing how things can seem so at peace in the morning. how everything is quiet, waiting to be placed in motion. like me. i sit here waiting for something to propel me into the frenzy of today. it's throwing yourself into life.

my future is looking brighter now. cleansing, albeit being a painful process, is a molding one. like this morning, my life is at peace in quiet momentum. in the hazy morning light i see the beauties that are within my reach. and i am in wonder.

"bring on the wonder, bring on the song
i pushed you down deep into my soul" -- Susan Enan, "Bring on the Wonder"

Wanting what you can't have

my sister is the vivacious sort. the kind who knows exactly what she wants and wont be deterred. I've always envied her. she has the figure...the perfect kind with no ounce of fat. she has the fashion sense..the kind where whatever she wears is a hit. it seems she has everything.

when we were still in school together and we were both in glee club...Ms. Donna always preferred her because she had the better voice. she had the cute face to back anything up. and in the eyes of my parents, she was their little angel..the one person who could do no wrong.

how could i possibly compete with this?

as i was about to begin tackling my homework for today i saw a crumpled piece of bond paper on the floor. it had my sister's handwriting in it. it was her draft for the Ateneo essay she needed to submit. i was curious to read what she wrote.

funny her first few paragraphs were a similar answer to the question i too had to answer four years ago. something that molded me very much to become who i am today was my church renewal experience. she shared about her LSS, our FE, and her YE. But that is where our similarities end. she continues to write her essay and the succeeding paragraphs have shocked me. allow me to quote..

" As a little girl, I always looked up to my older sister. Just four years older than me we were always together. probably because we were the only girls between us three siblings. we shared the same room together, we had the same clothes up until i was three and she was seven. we both took ballet and voice lessons. we even went to the same schools. although i looked up to her and honestly tried to be like her deep inside myself i knew that i would never be, because God made me a certain way..."

it's funny. envy is a two street. the things i envied most about her, were the same things she wanted to change because she envied what i was. but there's more...

" I have come to know that my sister was the smart one. always was, is and always will be. she seemed to always know the answers to everything, I didnt really mind. not until I moved to another school anyway. here in the new school everyone knew me....naturally they would always expect something from you. my sister was able to give them that. she always got first honors, while i got not soo good grades. i never really paid attention to this until i heard that i was being talked about in the faculty room. they were comparing me to my sister. how she got good grades and i didnt. how she was so smart and i wasnt. this obviously shocked me. i was somehow hurt but mostly embarrassed..."

that must have been very painful for her. to be reminded of her failings and limitations. my sister has strength...greater strength than i can imagine. to be able to continue holding her head up high everyday until she graduates despite the fact that everyone there is comparing her to me entails great courage. that is one more thing i've added to my list...i envy her courage. as i read her essay it has reminded me of what kind of sister i have been to her. the reflection staring back at me isnt something i am most proud of.

i guess you can call me a perennial "manang". most of the time the frustrations i feel about school or about anything get transferred to the way i treat my siblings. and despite the grouch monster i show them, well in my sister's case, she finds it in herself to envy me.

envy is a double edged sword. we spend most of time wanting what we cant or dont have and the rest of the time forgetting the strengths we already own. my sister has nothing to be envious about. i am proud of the person she has become. the way she has conquered her personal trials and the manner in which she conducts herself is something. the best i think we can do in this life is not to compare ourselves to those that surround us. but compare ourselves with our personal bests. the real meter stick here isnt how much better other people are. because believe me there will always be better people. the real standard is how much better are we compared to who we were in the past.

this has been a wake up call. psalm 23 says "the Lord is my shepherd there is nothing i shall want...". if he truly is our shepherd there shouldnt be anything else out there our hearts yearn for. because everything we desire, that will benefit us, will be given.

wanting want you cant have isnt the case. it's waiting for what is to come.

Know You Have Received Mercy

In Romans it says " God never changes his mind about the people he calls and the things he gives them...but know you have received mercy".

To the heart of a sinner these are the sweetest words they could hear. These are the sweetest words I could ever hear. I believed that I was called for something. I believe that I am only a part of this grand tapestry. But I lost sight of this belief. And with me getting lost, I thought too that I was scrapped of this grand plan. I thought that with my act of defiance I no longer would be included among the people that he has called his own.

This is a promise I call my own. To know that I have received mercy is a gift. To know that I have been forgiven by the one person who can forgive completely is a measure of how much I am loved. I pray that you too, in your individual lives, claim and realize this true joy.

Know, you have received mercy.

Purify

Purify (from the latin word purificare) which means to free from guilt or moral or ceremonial blemish.

i am tainted. i am dirty. i am unclean. the mark of humanity, is a mark of sin. the past few days i have been walking around with a heavy burden of guilt wrapped around me like a dark shroud. to put one foot past the other covered in shame is how i get through every day. and humiliation showers upon me in torrents of waves.

if i could picture myself disintegrating into dust for the wrong i have done, i would have turned into ash long ago. this is the mark of a sinner.whenever i see people looking at me i feel they can see the blackness around me. whenever people pass a glance, i think they are judging me.

i want to be removed form this guilt. that is the prayer of my heart. i want to be purified. i feel that i am being condemned and this pain is excruciating. but you see, i have forgotten something-- i have been saved.

four years ago i came to believe one truth: that i must accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. i lived this truth in my life knowing that i was loved. but as the flesh is weak, i find so is my faith. i had forgotten this fundamental promise that 2000 years ago i was saved even before i knew it. i guess it is true that we find it harder to forgive ourselves because God has already forgiven even before we utter the words "I'm sorry". it took me 4 people to realize this. 4 people before i could look at myself in the mirror again. people, humans, have a predisposition to sin -- so we are taught. but the grace that was bestowed upon us lives on and conquers this disposition. yes, we are destined to continue the cycle of sin. yes no matter what we do we will never completely remove this evil. but the joyous hope is that we are SAVED.

i profess this realization with fervor because i know there are a lot of us who walk with the same feelings as i have. there are many who get too caught up in feeling shamed that it rules them. i used to think that the mark of a true follower is how much he or she repents-- how grave he/she says sorry to God. it doesnt go that way. a true follower is someone who is able to rise up from the ash and know that she was chosen and loved. it isn't God who is condemning, it is ourselves.

if we are made in the human likeness of our creator, then whenever we look at ourselves in the mirror we should see sets and pieces of God. the way we smile --filled with forgiveness, the way we speak-- filled with care, the way we move-- filled with courage. if we continue to walk beaten then we nullify that sacrifice that was made 2000 years ago.

i have never really reflected on the mystery and miracle of the cross. seeing that man nailed on the cross hasn't really evoke much in me. my picture of Christ will always be that man with outstretched hands calling me into his arms. it was never the suffering of the cross. but as i see his pain filled eyes mingled with forgiveness, as i see the blood droplets that symbolized love, as i see the tensioned body that depicts the ultimate act of surrender-- i see hope.

it is this hope that has cleansed me. it is this that has let me know that i am purified. i am free. i am cleansed. so it is my turn -- it is my turn to shed the guilt and humiliation. it is my turn to raise my arms in act of love. it is my turn to kneel down in praise.

i am purified.

the man im getting to know

it's weird. he's been part of my life even before it began. i don't know how it has come to be but our life stories have been intertwined.

i honestly don't know much about him. he's athletic. he's wordly. he's rich. he's exuberant. he's eco-concerned. he's an adventurist. he's a story teller. these are just inferences i get from talking to him. from the stories he tells.

the most arresting thing about him is that he makes me feel so comfortable. other guys i go out with, platonic, look at me like this girly girl and have so many preconceived notions that it's hard to let a few inhibitions out. there is always a guard...have to make a good impression. but with him, nothing. i tell stories he tells stories. the funny thing is he notices the smallest details. he notices that i go third person whenever i tell stories about myself, as if "Sabs" is an entirely different entity. that was something i didnt even notice myself.

over the past few months i've met people who are close to him. and not intentionally. there are relatives from church. friends of his. friends of his who were friends of mine too, i just didnt know. stories from friends of mine who have met him. the the most inopportune manner it's as if he's here when in actuality he lives 10hours away.

funny i prayed for a man, during the time i was having guy trouble. i prayed for someone to understand me with the same maturity i have of myself. i prayed for someone who would care for me, instead of the other way around. and this man im getting to know is giving me just that. no, this isnt romantic--well i dont know. it's platonic. whenever i talk to him i get "kilig" and not the kind you feel with someone you like. just this assuring shudder flows through me.

it's nice for a change to be the one being understood. it's nice for a change to be the one cared for.

the difference time makes

time can change a lot of things in people. i believe that. time heals all wounds, as they say. do you think it creates them as well?

four years ago i entered the confines of the Ateneo. i entered it a loner, knowing only a handful of people. the first year was a revelation of sorts. it brought liberation and freedom to this province schooled girl. outings between blockmates were treasured events because i felt deprived of this while growing up. i met people from different backgrounds, enjoyed laughs with people who i was getting know and shared defeats with different classes.

as i leave this school, and the people i have come to know the one thing i'm coming to regret is this foreboding feeling that i'm leaving Ateneo a loner once more. my schedule has prevented me to spend more time with these people and i feel time apart has not made hearts grow fonder. the opposite is true, apparently i am very replaceable. block outings, which i used to treasure, are events i dont get invited to often. stories shared seem so foreign to me because i'm not there. laughs and snickers are distant to me because i cant relate at all.

this isnt a drama blog, or a form of complaint. it's just those things that are "sayang". four years down the drain i think. four years of memories.

sayang

blessings upon blessings

i know it's been quite a while since i last wrote. i've been neglectful of my writing skills and it took someone's simple praise to get the energies flowing once more.

i think that my writing has been greatly affected by my relationship with God. when i am not close with God, i dont write. vise versa. and i think in this push comes to shove kind of world, God is shoving me. there are signs everywhere and i just have been very guilty of being blind.

i do not know if i have been given the gift of vision but i have seen visions. and i claim in faith that these visions have come from God. and in one particular vision he promised me atop a precipice that He will lay at my feet, as well as the Youth's, the desires of my heart. and i believe that these have been coming true. it has been revealed to me, in numerous ways that there is a greater power before me. there is something majestical and awe-ful working in my life.

he has made me a shepherd. in the recently concluded Life in the Spirit Seminar i was called to be his undershepherd. i had a lot of reservations as well as hope for this challenge and mission. but i let it all be. there is a different experience, one i find hard to explain, when you find yourself inside that church during the baptism. when you no longer in the prayer wall, nor are you a catcher, nor are you a lamb-- but a shepherd. there is a different responsibility riding on your shoulders and as a first timer i found it exhilarating. praying over my two lambs, and having my mentor ride beside me, and God all around me, made it feel special-- supportive and nurturing.

he made me sing. i recently found out i made it into praise. after four years of desiring and four years of apprehension. i made it. i have always been afraid of auditioning. even after one way and the training it required of me. i still was not confident in myself and my ability to sing. i know i am not as good as all the other people. not even as good as those that auditioned. (and still do think it will take a while for me to be anywhere near good) but i have been accepted. and there must have been a reason why. there must have been something, i dont know what, that they saw was worth the chance. and i continue to pray that i will change and be changed to be "good" at what praise is.

he has made me survive college. my major has not always been something that i have loved. into my fourth year, and final year, i find that this sometimes love-hate relationship between my major and myself is not slowly coming into an end. what have i learned? what have i become? management economics has not just taught me the rigors of accounting, finance, operations management, marketing, development economics, microeconomics, macroeconomics and what have you. it has also taught me the discipline of nurturing friendships, the courage to travel unchartered waters, the perseverance to see things through, the importance of legacy and the joy of attaining excellence. i may never make it to the dean's list. i may never know what it's like to live so close to school. i may miss block hang outs. but this school, that has taken and given so much, has molded me into someone who is not only well trained to enter the profession of my choice but has equipped me to become "...a person for others" in "Lux in Domino".

these are my blessings upon blessings. these are my joys upon joys.

the prayer of my heart

Dear Lord,

this time it is my heart breaking. this time it is me in the darkness. this time it is me wrapped around in loneliness. i thought there were greater plans for me. i thought there was an abundance ready to unfold.

i started out this journey fresh from another discovery. i started out rejoicing over new strengths. but i now find myself left alone in the starting line. those who i shared this journey with are either too busy rediscovering themselves or too far ahead for me to catch up. im falling into this abyss and there is no one.

i know--and i have great faith-- that this will lead to yet another discovery. to yet another treasure. and i will find myself once more affirmed and reassured. (this is how i characterize my journey with you-- a series of ups and down) but i have plateaued. i find myself in another height but an even taller mountain to scale.

there is a life line here. a life line that leads to you. a life line that is the only thing keeping my head afloat. but in my feebleness and limitations i need more Lord. i admit i am weak and i prostate my self before you asking for more. i need more signs. i need more guidance. i need more people.

always the question of my life is :WHEN IS IT MY TURN?

you have breathed on me the spirit of giving. giving my self to my family. giving myself to my friends. giving myself to those i care about. but what about me?

yes there are those who care about me. you never lacked in giving me that. but always my time with them is limited. always so short in comparison to others. always "kulang". i see my keepers administer to their lambs by processing them. spending time with them. i have tasted these glories but only in limited times. in truth, i am envious. i am jealous.

perhaps they think i dont need it. perhaps they see other people more needing of what they offer. but i need it too Lord. i need them too. i cannot blame them, i know. i cannot force them too. but i cant help but ask and want it of them. I know too that you are the ultimate provider and you will give what i need. but Lord, my heart is impatient too. in my human-ness i want it now. i need it now. there is a timing for everything, you have taught me. and yes your timing is perfect--and i will understand this later for you will reveal it to me. but my heart of flesh is in need of you now. is in need of this very human act of companionship--NOW.

and not just from anybody. you know from whom i hunger this attention from. but sadly i am not the recipient. sometimes i am tired of it all. i have gotten so used to caring for other people that i dont know how to care for myself. i have gotten so used to giving so much of myself, i dont know anymore how to rejoice over the simple gifts i have received.

help me Lord. find something. feel something. be something. because it is my heart that is breaking this time. it is me that needs to be fixed this time.

and i dont know how.