Purify

Purify (from the latin word purificare) which means to free from guilt or moral or ceremonial blemish.

i am tainted. i am dirty. i am unclean. the mark of humanity, is a mark of sin. the past few days i have been walking around with a heavy burden of guilt wrapped around me like a dark shroud. to put one foot past the other covered in shame is how i get through every day. and humiliation showers upon me in torrents of waves.

if i could picture myself disintegrating into dust for the wrong i have done, i would have turned into ash long ago. this is the mark of a sinner.whenever i see people looking at me i feel they can see the blackness around me. whenever people pass a glance, i think they are judging me.

i want to be removed form this guilt. that is the prayer of my heart. i want to be purified. i feel that i am being condemned and this pain is excruciating. but you see, i have forgotten something-- i have been saved.

four years ago i came to believe one truth: that i must accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. i lived this truth in my life knowing that i was loved. but as the flesh is weak, i find so is my faith. i had forgotten this fundamental promise that 2000 years ago i was saved even before i knew it. i guess it is true that we find it harder to forgive ourselves because God has already forgiven even before we utter the words "I'm sorry". it took me 4 people to realize this. 4 people before i could look at myself in the mirror again. people, humans, have a predisposition to sin -- so we are taught. but the grace that was bestowed upon us lives on and conquers this disposition. yes, we are destined to continue the cycle of sin. yes no matter what we do we will never completely remove this evil. but the joyous hope is that we are SAVED.

i profess this realization with fervor because i know there are a lot of us who walk with the same feelings as i have. there are many who get too caught up in feeling shamed that it rules them. i used to think that the mark of a true follower is how much he or she repents-- how grave he/she says sorry to God. it doesnt go that way. a true follower is someone who is able to rise up from the ash and know that she was chosen and loved. it isn't God who is condemning, it is ourselves.

if we are made in the human likeness of our creator, then whenever we look at ourselves in the mirror we should see sets and pieces of God. the way we smile --filled with forgiveness, the way we speak-- filled with care, the way we move-- filled with courage. if we continue to walk beaten then we nullify that sacrifice that was made 2000 years ago.

i have never really reflected on the mystery and miracle of the cross. seeing that man nailed on the cross hasn't really evoke much in me. my picture of Christ will always be that man with outstretched hands calling me into his arms. it was never the suffering of the cross. but as i see his pain filled eyes mingled with forgiveness, as i see the blood droplets that symbolized love, as i see the tensioned body that depicts the ultimate act of surrender-- i see hope.

it is this hope that has cleansed me. it is this that has let me know that i am purified. i am free. i am cleansed. so it is my turn -- it is my turn to shed the guilt and humiliation. it is my turn to raise my arms in act of love. it is my turn to kneel down in praise.

i am purified.