Wanting what you can't have

my sister is the vivacious sort. the kind who knows exactly what she wants and wont be deterred. I've always envied her. she has the figure...the perfect kind with no ounce of fat. she has the fashion sense..the kind where whatever she wears is a hit. it seems she has everything.

when we were still in school together and we were both in glee club...Ms. Donna always preferred her because she had the better voice. she had the cute face to back anything up. and in the eyes of my parents, she was their little angel..the one person who could do no wrong.

how could i possibly compete with this?

as i was about to begin tackling my homework for today i saw a crumpled piece of bond paper on the floor. it had my sister's handwriting in it. it was her draft for the Ateneo essay she needed to submit. i was curious to read what she wrote.

funny her first few paragraphs were a similar answer to the question i too had to answer four years ago. something that molded me very much to become who i am today was my church renewal experience. she shared about her LSS, our FE, and her YE. But that is where our similarities end. she continues to write her essay and the succeeding paragraphs have shocked me. allow me to quote..

" As a little girl, I always looked up to my older sister. Just four years older than me we were always together. probably because we were the only girls between us three siblings. we shared the same room together, we had the same clothes up until i was three and she was seven. we both took ballet and voice lessons. we even went to the same schools. although i looked up to her and honestly tried to be like her deep inside myself i knew that i would never be, because God made me a certain way..."

it's funny. envy is a two street. the things i envied most about her, were the same things she wanted to change because she envied what i was. but there's more...

" I have come to know that my sister was the smart one. always was, is and always will be. she seemed to always know the answers to everything, I didnt really mind. not until I moved to another school anyway. here in the new school everyone knew me....naturally they would always expect something from you. my sister was able to give them that. she always got first honors, while i got not soo good grades. i never really paid attention to this until i heard that i was being talked about in the faculty room. they were comparing me to my sister. how she got good grades and i didnt. how she was so smart and i wasnt. this obviously shocked me. i was somehow hurt but mostly embarrassed..."

that must have been very painful for her. to be reminded of her failings and limitations. my sister has strength...greater strength than i can imagine. to be able to continue holding her head up high everyday until she graduates despite the fact that everyone there is comparing her to me entails great courage. that is one more thing i've added to my list...i envy her courage. as i read her essay it has reminded me of what kind of sister i have been to her. the reflection staring back at me isnt something i am most proud of.

i guess you can call me a perennial "manang". most of the time the frustrations i feel about school or about anything get transferred to the way i treat my siblings. and despite the grouch monster i show them, well in my sister's case, she finds it in herself to envy me.

envy is a double edged sword. we spend most of time wanting what we cant or dont have and the rest of the time forgetting the strengths we already own. my sister has nothing to be envious about. i am proud of the person she has become. the way she has conquered her personal trials and the manner in which she conducts herself is something. the best i think we can do in this life is not to compare ourselves to those that surround us. but compare ourselves with our personal bests. the real meter stick here isnt how much better other people are. because believe me there will always be better people. the real standard is how much better are we compared to who we were in the past.

this has been a wake up call. psalm 23 says "the Lord is my shepherd there is nothing i shall want...". if he truly is our shepherd there shouldnt be anything else out there our hearts yearn for. because everything we desire, that will benefit us, will be given.

wanting want you cant have isnt the case. it's waiting for what is to come.