Wanting what you can't have

my sister is the vivacious sort. the kind who knows exactly what she wants and wont be deterred. I've always envied her. she has the figure...the perfect kind with no ounce of fat. she has the fashion sense..the kind where whatever she wears is a hit. it seems she has everything.

when we were still in school together and we were both in glee club...Ms. Donna always preferred her because she had the better voice. she had the cute face to back anything up. and in the eyes of my parents, she was their little angel..the one person who could do no wrong.

how could i possibly compete with this?

as i was about to begin tackling my homework for today i saw a crumpled piece of bond paper on the floor. it had my sister's handwriting in it. it was her draft for the Ateneo essay she needed to submit. i was curious to read what she wrote.

funny her first few paragraphs were a similar answer to the question i too had to answer four years ago. something that molded me very much to become who i am today was my church renewal experience. she shared about her LSS, our FE, and her YE. But that is where our similarities end. she continues to write her essay and the succeeding paragraphs have shocked me. allow me to quote..

" As a little girl, I always looked up to my older sister. Just four years older than me we were always together. probably because we were the only girls between us three siblings. we shared the same room together, we had the same clothes up until i was three and she was seven. we both took ballet and voice lessons. we even went to the same schools. although i looked up to her and honestly tried to be like her deep inside myself i knew that i would never be, because God made me a certain way..."

it's funny. envy is a two street. the things i envied most about her, were the same things she wanted to change because she envied what i was. but there's more...

" I have come to know that my sister was the smart one. always was, is and always will be. she seemed to always know the answers to everything, I didnt really mind. not until I moved to another school anyway. here in the new school everyone knew me....naturally they would always expect something from you. my sister was able to give them that. she always got first honors, while i got not soo good grades. i never really paid attention to this until i heard that i was being talked about in the faculty room. they were comparing me to my sister. how she got good grades and i didnt. how she was so smart and i wasnt. this obviously shocked me. i was somehow hurt but mostly embarrassed..."

that must have been very painful for her. to be reminded of her failings and limitations. my sister has strength...greater strength than i can imagine. to be able to continue holding her head up high everyday until she graduates despite the fact that everyone there is comparing her to me entails great courage. that is one more thing i've added to my list...i envy her courage. as i read her essay it has reminded me of what kind of sister i have been to her. the reflection staring back at me isnt something i am most proud of.

i guess you can call me a perennial "manang". most of the time the frustrations i feel about school or about anything get transferred to the way i treat my siblings. and despite the grouch monster i show them, well in my sister's case, she finds it in herself to envy me.

envy is a double edged sword. we spend most of time wanting what we cant or dont have and the rest of the time forgetting the strengths we already own. my sister has nothing to be envious about. i am proud of the person she has become. the way she has conquered her personal trials and the manner in which she conducts herself is something. the best i think we can do in this life is not to compare ourselves to those that surround us. but compare ourselves with our personal bests. the real meter stick here isnt how much better other people are. because believe me there will always be better people. the real standard is how much better are we compared to who we were in the past.

this has been a wake up call. psalm 23 says "the Lord is my shepherd there is nothing i shall want...". if he truly is our shepherd there shouldnt be anything else out there our hearts yearn for. because everything we desire, that will benefit us, will be given.

wanting want you cant have isnt the case. it's waiting for what is to come.

Know You Have Received Mercy

In Romans it says " God never changes his mind about the people he calls and the things he gives them...but know you have received mercy".

To the heart of a sinner these are the sweetest words they could hear. These are the sweetest words I could ever hear. I believed that I was called for something. I believe that I am only a part of this grand tapestry. But I lost sight of this belief. And with me getting lost, I thought too that I was scrapped of this grand plan. I thought that with my act of defiance I no longer would be included among the people that he has called his own.

This is a promise I call my own. To know that I have received mercy is a gift. To know that I have been forgiven by the one person who can forgive completely is a measure of how much I am loved. I pray that you too, in your individual lives, claim and realize this true joy.

Know, you have received mercy.

Purify

Purify (from the latin word purificare) which means to free from guilt or moral or ceremonial blemish.

i am tainted. i am dirty. i am unclean. the mark of humanity, is a mark of sin. the past few days i have been walking around with a heavy burden of guilt wrapped around me like a dark shroud. to put one foot past the other covered in shame is how i get through every day. and humiliation showers upon me in torrents of waves.

if i could picture myself disintegrating into dust for the wrong i have done, i would have turned into ash long ago. this is the mark of a sinner.whenever i see people looking at me i feel they can see the blackness around me. whenever people pass a glance, i think they are judging me.

i want to be removed form this guilt. that is the prayer of my heart. i want to be purified. i feel that i am being condemned and this pain is excruciating. but you see, i have forgotten something-- i have been saved.

four years ago i came to believe one truth: that i must accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. i lived this truth in my life knowing that i was loved. but as the flesh is weak, i find so is my faith. i had forgotten this fundamental promise that 2000 years ago i was saved even before i knew it. i guess it is true that we find it harder to forgive ourselves because God has already forgiven even before we utter the words "I'm sorry". it took me 4 people to realize this. 4 people before i could look at myself in the mirror again. people, humans, have a predisposition to sin -- so we are taught. but the grace that was bestowed upon us lives on and conquers this disposition. yes, we are destined to continue the cycle of sin. yes no matter what we do we will never completely remove this evil. but the joyous hope is that we are SAVED.

i profess this realization with fervor because i know there are a lot of us who walk with the same feelings as i have. there are many who get too caught up in feeling shamed that it rules them. i used to think that the mark of a true follower is how much he or she repents-- how grave he/she says sorry to God. it doesnt go that way. a true follower is someone who is able to rise up from the ash and know that she was chosen and loved. it isn't God who is condemning, it is ourselves.

if we are made in the human likeness of our creator, then whenever we look at ourselves in the mirror we should see sets and pieces of God. the way we smile --filled with forgiveness, the way we speak-- filled with care, the way we move-- filled with courage. if we continue to walk beaten then we nullify that sacrifice that was made 2000 years ago.

i have never really reflected on the mystery and miracle of the cross. seeing that man nailed on the cross hasn't really evoke much in me. my picture of Christ will always be that man with outstretched hands calling me into his arms. it was never the suffering of the cross. but as i see his pain filled eyes mingled with forgiveness, as i see the blood droplets that symbolized love, as i see the tensioned body that depicts the ultimate act of surrender-- i see hope.

it is this hope that has cleansed me. it is this that has let me know that i am purified. i am free. i am cleansed. so it is my turn -- it is my turn to shed the guilt and humiliation. it is my turn to raise my arms in act of love. it is my turn to kneel down in praise.

i am purified.

the man im getting to know

it's weird. he's been part of my life even before it began. i don't know how it has come to be but our life stories have been intertwined.

i honestly don't know much about him. he's athletic. he's wordly. he's rich. he's exuberant. he's eco-concerned. he's an adventurist. he's a story teller. these are just inferences i get from talking to him. from the stories he tells.

the most arresting thing about him is that he makes me feel so comfortable. other guys i go out with, platonic, look at me like this girly girl and have so many preconceived notions that it's hard to let a few inhibitions out. there is always a guard...have to make a good impression. but with him, nothing. i tell stories he tells stories. the funny thing is he notices the smallest details. he notices that i go third person whenever i tell stories about myself, as if "Sabs" is an entirely different entity. that was something i didnt even notice myself.

over the past few months i've met people who are close to him. and not intentionally. there are relatives from church. friends of his. friends of his who were friends of mine too, i just didnt know. stories from friends of mine who have met him. the the most inopportune manner it's as if he's here when in actuality he lives 10hours away.

funny i prayed for a man, during the time i was having guy trouble. i prayed for someone to understand me with the same maturity i have of myself. i prayed for someone who would care for me, instead of the other way around. and this man im getting to know is giving me just that. no, this isnt romantic--well i dont know. it's platonic. whenever i talk to him i get "kilig" and not the kind you feel with someone you like. just this assuring shudder flows through me.

it's nice for a change to be the one being understood. it's nice for a change to be the one cared for.

the difference time makes

time can change a lot of things in people. i believe that. time heals all wounds, as they say. do you think it creates them as well?

four years ago i entered the confines of the Ateneo. i entered it a loner, knowing only a handful of people. the first year was a revelation of sorts. it brought liberation and freedom to this province schooled girl. outings between blockmates were treasured events because i felt deprived of this while growing up. i met people from different backgrounds, enjoyed laughs with people who i was getting know and shared defeats with different classes.

as i leave this school, and the people i have come to know the one thing i'm coming to regret is this foreboding feeling that i'm leaving Ateneo a loner once more. my schedule has prevented me to spend more time with these people and i feel time apart has not made hearts grow fonder. the opposite is true, apparently i am very replaceable. block outings, which i used to treasure, are events i dont get invited to often. stories shared seem so foreign to me because i'm not there. laughs and snickers are distant to me because i cant relate at all.

this isnt a drama blog, or a form of complaint. it's just those things that are "sayang". four years down the drain i think. four years of memories.

sayang

blessings upon blessings

i know it's been quite a while since i last wrote. i've been neglectful of my writing skills and it took someone's simple praise to get the energies flowing once more.

i think that my writing has been greatly affected by my relationship with God. when i am not close with God, i dont write. vise versa. and i think in this push comes to shove kind of world, God is shoving me. there are signs everywhere and i just have been very guilty of being blind.

i do not know if i have been given the gift of vision but i have seen visions. and i claim in faith that these visions have come from God. and in one particular vision he promised me atop a precipice that He will lay at my feet, as well as the Youth's, the desires of my heart. and i believe that these have been coming true. it has been revealed to me, in numerous ways that there is a greater power before me. there is something majestical and awe-ful working in my life.

he has made me a shepherd. in the recently concluded Life in the Spirit Seminar i was called to be his undershepherd. i had a lot of reservations as well as hope for this challenge and mission. but i let it all be. there is a different experience, one i find hard to explain, when you find yourself inside that church during the baptism. when you no longer in the prayer wall, nor are you a catcher, nor are you a lamb-- but a shepherd. there is a different responsibility riding on your shoulders and as a first timer i found it exhilarating. praying over my two lambs, and having my mentor ride beside me, and God all around me, made it feel special-- supportive and nurturing.

he made me sing. i recently found out i made it into praise. after four years of desiring and four years of apprehension. i made it. i have always been afraid of auditioning. even after one way and the training it required of me. i still was not confident in myself and my ability to sing. i know i am not as good as all the other people. not even as good as those that auditioned. (and still do think it will take a while for me to be anywhere near good) but i have been accepted. and there must have been a reason why. there must have been something, i dont know what, that they saw was worth the chance. and i continue to pray that i will change and be changed to be "good" at what praise is.

he has made me survive college. my major has not always been something that i have loved. into my fourth year, and final year, i find that this sometimes love-hate relationship between my major and myself is not slowly coming into an end. what have i learned? what have i become? management economics has not just taught me the rigors of accounting, finance, operations management, marketing, development economics, microeconomics, macroeconomics and what have you. it has also taught me the discipline of nurturing friendships, the courage to travel unchartered waters, the perseverance to see things through, the importance of legacy and the joy of attaining excellence. i may never make it to the dean's list. i may never know what it's like to live so close to school. i may miss block hang outs. but this school, that has taken and given so much, has molded me into someone who is not only well trained to enter the profession of my choice but has equipped me to become "...a person for others" in "Lux in Domino".

these are my blessings upon blessings. these are my joys upon joys.

the prayer of my heart

Dear Lord,

this time it is my heart breaking. this time it is me in the darkness. this time it is me wrapped around in loneliness. i thought there were greater plans for me. i thought there was an abundance ready to unfold.

i started out this journey fresh from another discovery. i started out rejoicing over new strengths. but i now find myself left alone in the starting line. those who i shared this journey with are either too busy rediscovering themselves or too far ahead for me to catch up. im falling into this abyss and there is no one.

i know--and i have great faith-- that this will lead to yet another discovery. to yet another treasure. and i will find myself once more affirmed and reassured. (this is how i characterize my journey with you-- a series of ups and down) but i have plateaued. i find myself in another height but an even taller mountain to scale.

there is a life line here. a life line that leads to you. a life line that is the only thing keeping my head afloat. but in my feebleness and limitations i need more Lord. i admit i am weak and i prostate my self before you asking for more. i need more signs. i need more guidance. i need more people.

always the question of my life is :WHEN IS IT MY TURN?

you have breathed on me the spirit of giving. giving my self to my family. giving myself to my friends. giving myself to those i care about. but what about me?

yes there are those who care about me. you never lacked in giving me that. but always my time with them is limited. always so short in comparison to others. always "kulang". i see my keepers administer to their lambs by processing them. spending time with them. i have tasted these glories but only in limited times. in truth, i am envious. i am jealous.

perhaps they think i dont need it. perhaps they see other people more needing of what they offer. but i need it too Lord. i need them too. i cannot blame them, i know. i cannot force them too. but i cant help but ask and want it of them. I know too that you are the ultimate provider and you will give what i need. but Lord, my heart is impatient too. in my human-ness i want it now. i need it now. there is a timing for everything, you have taught me. and yes your timing is perfect--and i will understand this later for you will reveal it to me. but my heart of flesh is in need of you now. is in need of this very human act of companionship--NOW.

and not just from anybody. you know from whom i hunger this attention from. but sadly i am not the recipient. sometimes i am tired of it all. i have gotten so used to caring for other people that i dont know how to care for myself. i have gotten so used to giving so much of myself, i dont know anymore how to rejoice over the simple gifts i have received.

help me Lord. find something. feel something. be something. because it is my heart that is breaking this time. it is me that needs to be fixed this time.

and i dont know how.

confessions

this is officially my second day of summer vacation. this would perhaps be my most unplanned, uneventful summer vacation and it's only been two days. i thought this summer was it. i had so much hope for it. it felt ripe for change and it being the summer that i say goodbye to teen-dom for good, i thought it was the summer i'd go out with a bang.

in giving in to my mood of restlessness and melancholia i couldn't help but think i'm in a rut. i always thought of myself as a go getter but it seems i was just deluding myself into thinking i could be something. i think when you finally say good bye to the suffix "teen" to your age the idealism goes out the window as well. finally the rose tinted glasses give way to the glare of reality and all you really armed with now is the courage to pursue the "real" world or the stench of failure.

two words uttered by someone i really admire hasn't really flushed out of my system. am i really just cut out to be the secretary or is there a leader in me somewhere? people see potential. people see talent. people see something. and it irks me that i cant see that "something". i've been to a dozen leadership seminars. i've signed off the same amount of candidacy forms and what have yous. i've written speeches upon speeches. i've crossed that threshold from the comfort zone into the courage zone. but i cant seem to shake of the spirit of regret and failure. because i really thought i was going somewhere. i really thought i was doing something. but it seems im nothing more than a glorified figure head with no substance.

this rut that i'm in seems like a crater into a black hole of infinite regress. if i succeed in one thing, i'm bound to fail in another. i think this is why the french coined that cliche "c'est la vie" because life isnt feeling any easier especially when you think it is. it's this merry go around, you think you're up but you're apparently down. surprise surprise life has it's own version of project runway or america's next top model.

"one day you're in, the next day you're out!" -Heide Klum

and another thing, when do relationships get any easier? are they just meant to tide you over to the next big argument which just then leads to the next big make up....then the cycle continues. two nights in a row i've spent my two am's on the phone crying and arguing about something i feel is right but the other feels is completely selfish. there doesnt seem to be any middle ground anymore. there doesnt seem to be gray areas. compromise is such a dream that i feel it isnt attainable. (well with this particular person it isnt.)

so you see. if i dont feel like i'm something to be judge since my resume is currently proliferating the business skyline, i feel like a yoyo being thrown back in forth in events i cant comprehend. progress? can that really happen? or are those "little steps" really just small steps to a bigger regress? because sooner or later i'll find that i've fallen short on something or that i wasn't doing it right. don't give me psychoanalitcal analysis on what i'm feeling. been there, i know. don't spiritualize what i'm going through because i've read it. don't mother me, because i can't handle that. but deliver me. because failure is my waterloo. because regret is that something i cant get rid of. because i don't want to say goodbye to teenage-hood in this state.

i deserve better.

chameleon

you have so many skins i barely know who you are.
you have so many masks i find it hard to know you.
you have so many expressions i dont know which is real.

who are you really? a friend or foe?
what are you really? a boy or man?
how are you really? happy or forlorn?

fading away

there really is something that must be said when you're grasping at straws. what else if left to hope for when all you have are bits and pieces of memories that only YOU can remember? what can you do when you're standing alone on a precipice when there used to be two?

i haven't heard from Ryan for a while now. It's like he left me hanging there in the middle of nowhere. We used to be so close, close enough to pass for lovers-- which we were once. Whatever romance that has dried out now blossomed into a friendship that was comfortable and understanding-- home. But it all seems like yesterday to me. What used to be my lifeline, has now been severed by the one person who anchored it.

How do you move on after this kind of intimacy? This isn't the kind that is recognized by flesh, nor is it the kind that is driven by passion and lust. But it is an intimacy of souls, that makes me far more vulnerable and far more brittle than any other relationship I've had. I used to tell someone who is struggling with the same burden as I am, to let go and think of yourself for a change. I never could understand why it was so hard for her to just let loose and be free. And now that I am shackled as she is, I've come to realize that it isn't as easy as it seems.

Just as you invest in financial ventures, it isn't a piece of cake to just cut your losses and move on. This particular relationship of mine has seen me through milestones, gray areas and darkness. I thought it could weather anything, and was fortified enough to see through all storms. But now that I feel so desolate and alone, all the hopes I had are as broken as the promises he once uttered.

Is this a vendo kind of relationship? Am i the endless supply of encouragement and happiness just slip me a coin somewhere? I admit i give Ryan leeway, even when it hurts I smile and make it seem alright. He finds joy when I'm insecure I guess, or when he knows he has the ability to humble me. But there is more to us than this sacrificial kind of relationship. Ryan, perhaps if he hasn't realized it yet, will be the only person in this Earth who will know me best aside from God. He's seen me in diapers, in underwear, in skirts and toothy grins, and in practically anything. So maybe this is one of the big reasons why I'm holding on. We've known each other even when we were at our ugliest--where regrets and anger were all we knew. We've also known each other when we were at our most glorious-- when joy and love emanated from us.

Then why? Why does it feel that I'm in a tempestuous darkness? Why does it feel that this special person is being grabbed from my own clutches? Is this what it means when God said he would mold us until we were refined Gold? Am i being shaped in the Refiner's fire? It hurts, it burns, it scalds, and it pains. But if this is the process that He will me to undertake in order to be beautiful--then I submit.

IF fading away is the answer. If change is the only constant. If the variables don't matter. If being separated is what it takes. THEN here I am.

i'm a mess

i dont know if i can blame it on medications. i dont know if i can blame it on hormones. i dont know if i can blame it on being overly sensitive. but i'm a mess.

after eating out with Youth-ees in Jollibee last night, i left not in high spirits but in loneliness. I felt that no matter how much i integrate myself with these people I'll feel like an outsider, a nobody, a speck. The drive home was fast, uneventful, tiring. i thought i could escape my emotions when i got into the sanctuary of my room, only to find out the demons weren't through with me just yet. My one cry for salvation, to the one person i thought i could find happiness in, was left unheard. Joven and i have always had this ritual of sleeping together each on the other side of the phone. After a very confusing, mind-boggling day, i found out Joven fell asleep on me. and my first instinct was to cry. i felt i was being left alone, and there is nothing in this world that scares me more than being alone. and cry i did.

i slept fitfully last night. i woke up with every slight noise and it took me ages to get back to dream land. i was angry. i was angry for feeling this way. i was angry at Joven for letting me down at what seemed like the upteenth time. i was angry at myself for feeling so dependent on the externals. and i'm still angry. like there isnt going to be anything right in the horizon.

i'm a mess.

the two men in a woman's life

i think no matter how many men you meet in your life they will either be divided into two categories: the mr nice guy and the mr bad guy.

Mr. Bad-guy is the guy you're attracted to but you know it wont get any further than that. he's that elusive guy who seems to have all the trappings life can offer. whenever he smiles you feel your insides turn jell-o and you feel all inhibitions fly out the window. he's the guy you drink beers with and go over the limit. he's the guy you smoke cigarettes with even if you cant smoke. just so you can endear yourself to him and make him think you're exponentially cooler than what you really are.

Mr. Nice-guy is the guy who will tuck you into bed after a wild party night with Mr. Bad-guy. He's the guy who turns jell-o when he looks at YOU. The kind of guy who will whisper sweet nothing in your ear and mean them. The kind of guy who will berate you for drinking too much and for smoking at all. the kind of guy who will wrap his arms around you and you know that it's a perfect fit. He's the kind of guy you push aside for Mr. Bad or take fore granted coz you know now matter what happens he'll still be in the sidelines.

I'm pretty sure you ladies out there know what kind of guys I'm talking about. perhaps you don't consciously know this but subconsciously you separate your guy friends into these categories. i don't know how i got snapped out of my naive-ness but perhaps it's because i came in contact with two of my top Mr. Bad Guys in a span of two days. and in those two days my top Mr Nice-guy has been so pushed into the sidelines it's a wonder he's still here.

there are two inevitable questions that come to mind: do we ever grow out of it? and who do we end up choosing?