fading away

there really is something that must be said when you're grasping at straws. what else if left to hope for when all you have are bits and pieces of memories that only YOU can remember? what can you do when you're standing alone on a precipice when there used to be two?

i haven't heard from Ryan for a while now. It's like he left me hanging there in the middle of nowhere. We used to be so close, close enough to pass for lovers-- which we were once. Whatever romance that has dried out now blossomed into a friendship that was comfortable and understanding-- home. But it all seems like yesterday to me. What used to be my lifeline, has now been severed by the one person who anchored it.

How do you move on after this kind of intimacy? This isn't the kind that is recognized by flesh, nor is it the kind that is driven by passion and lust. But it is an intimacy of souls, that makes me far more vulnerable and far more brittle than any other relationship I've had. I used to tell someone who is struggling with the same burden as I am, to let go and think of yourself for a change. I never could understand why it was so hard for her to just let loose and be free. And now that I am shackled as she is, I've come to realize that it isn't as easy as it seems.

Just as you invest in financial ventures, it isn't a piece of cake to just cut your losses and move on. This particular relationship of mine has seen me through milestones, gray areas and darkness. I thought it could weather anything, and was fortified enough to see through all storms. But now that I feel so desolate and alone, all the hopes I had are as broken as the promises he once uttered.

Is this a vendo kind of relationship? Am i the endless supply of encouragement and happiness just slip me a coin somewhere? I admit i give Ryan leeway, even when it hurts I smile and make it seem alright. He finds joy when I'm insecure I guess, or when he knows he has the ability to humble me. But there is more to us than this sacrificial kind of relationship. Ryan, perhaps if he hasn't realized it yet, will be the only person in this Earth who will know me best aside from God. He's seen me in diapers, in underwear, in skirts and toothy grins, and in practically anything. So maybe this is one of the big reasons why I'm holding on. We've known each other even when we were at our ugliest--where regrets and anger were all we knew. We've also known each other when we were at our most glorious-- when joy and love emanated from us.

Then why? Why does it feel that I'm in a tempestuous darkness? Why does it feel that this special person is being grabbed from my own clutches? Is this what it means when God said he would mold us until we were refined Gold? Am i being shaped in the Refiner's fire? It hurts, it burns, it scalds, and it pains. But if this is the process that He will me to undertake in order to be beautiful--then I submit.

IF fading away is the answer. If change is the only constant. If the variables don't matter. If being separated is what it takes. THEN here I am.