i'm a mess

i dont know if i can blame it on medications. i dont know if i can blame it on hormones. i dont know if i can blame it on being overly sensitive. but i'm a mess.

after eating out with Youth-ees in Jollibee last night, i left not in high spirits but in loneliness. I felt that no matter how much i integrate myself with these people I'll feel like an outsider, a nobody, a speck. The drive home was fast, uneventful, tiring. i thought i could escape my emotions when i got into the sanctuary of my room, only to find out the demons weren't through with me just yet. My one cry for salvation, to the one person i thought i could find happiness in, was left unheard. Joven and i have always had this ritual of sleeping together each on the other side of the phone. After a very confusing, mind-boggling day, i found out Joven fell asleep on me. and my first instinct was to cry. i felt i was being left alone, and there is nothing in this world that scares me more than being alone. and cry i did.

i slept fitfully last night. i woke up with every slight noise and it took me ages to get back to dream land. i was angry. i was angry for feeling this way. i was angry at Joven for letting me down at what seemed like the upteenth time. i was angry at myself for feeling so dependent on the externals. and i'm still angry. like there isnt going to be anything right in the horizon.

i'm a mess.