confessions

this is officially my second day of summer vacation. this would perhaps be my most unplanned, uneventful summer vacation and it's only been two days. i thought this summer was it. i had so much hope for it. it felt ripe for change and it being the summer that i say goodbye to teen-dom for good, i thought it was the summer i'd go out with a bang.

in giving in to my mood of restlessness and melancholia i couldn't help but think i'm in a rut. i always thought of myself as a go getter but it seems i was just deluding myself into thinking i could be something. i think when you finally say good bye to the suffix "teen" to your age the idealism goes out the window as well. finally the rose tinted glasses give way to the glare of reality and all you really armed with now is the courage to pursue the "real" world or the stench of failure.

two words uttered by someone i really admire hasn't really flushed out of my system. am i really just cut out to be the secretary or is there a leader in me somewhere? people see potential. people see talent. people see something. and it irks me that i cant see that "something". i've been to a dozen leadership seminars. i've signed off the same amount of candidacy forms and what have yous. i've written speeches upon speeches. i've crossed that threshold from the comfort zone into the courage zone. but i cant seem to shake of the spirit of regret and failure. because i really thought i was going somewhere. i really thought i was doing something. but it seems im nothing more than a glorified figure head with no substance.

this rut that i'm in seems like a crater into a black hole of infinite regress. if i succeed in one thing, i'm bound to fail in another. i think this is why the french coined that cliche "c'est la vie" because life isnt feeling any easier especially when you think it is. it's this merry go around, you think you're up but you're apparently down. surprise surprise life has it's own version of project runway or america's next top model.

"one day you're in, the next day you're out!" -Heide Klum

and another thing, when do relationships get any easier? are they just meant to tide you over to the next big argument which just then leads to the next big make up....then the cycle continues. two nights in a row i've spent my two am's on the phone crying and arguing about something i feel is right but the other feels is completely selfish. there doesnt seem to be any middle ground anymore. there doesnt seem to be gray areas. compromise is such a dream that i feel it isnt attainable. (well with this particular person it isnt.)

so you see. if i dont feel like i'm something to be judge since my resume is currently proliferating the business skyline, i feel like a yoyo being thrown back in forth in events i cant comprehend. progress? can that really happen? or are those "little steps" really just small steps to a bigger regress? because sooner or later i'll find that i've fallen short on something or that i wasn't doing it right. don't give me psychoanalitcal analysis on what i'm feeling. been there, i know. don't spiritualize what i'm going through because i've read it. don't mother me, because i can't handle that. but deliver me. because failure is my waterloo. because regret is that something i cant get rid of. because i don't want to say goodbye to teenage-hood in this state.

i deserve better.