The Choice

Grey's Anatomy

Patient: I gave a kidney for him and he still hasn't made a choice
Christina: He hasn't asked about you or called. I think he's made a choice.
Patient: But I gave a kidney for him...I gave a kidney...oh my god...oh my god... [cries]

The choices we make in this lifetime are the risks we gamble with in our life. Our choices, the way we react to situations, are what dictates the effects it will have to the rest of things...the repercussions. Tomorrow is the aftermath of today.

This particular episode of Grey's reminds me of the choices and sacrifices I've done. The things I've said, or the things I have left unsaid are what compromise the regrets I have now. I am dealing with my choices. I dont have an exact process on how to come to terms with things. I usually face it with anger, then acceptance. Hurtful words are always the eve or dawning of understanding. I am brimming with them at the moment, as I am placed in this position of trying to make sense of what really is nothing.

There is. There isn't. Two faces of a coin, and yet you cant decide. Despite what is staring at you, despite what is plainly seen, you choose to be blind. I am not the only one here who is dense, I am not the only one here looking at things naively. You as well. I am trying with all I can, to see from your point of view, but it is difficult because the aggression and hard headedness eminating from you is too thick a fog to penetrate. This is a two way street, not a one way projectile.

I have exhausted the words, done every action and yet you believe otherwise. I have nothing left to say, and I hope silence can acomplish what noise could not.

the breadwinner

i woke up today in the foulest of moods considering I had such a wonderful night's rest. there is something that must be said about parental expectation and the pressure it puts on a child. my mom is a staunch believer that pressure is the best motivator. expectations that raise the bar are what causes children to excell. I never had the courage to tell her otherwise.

the story of my life as a child would always be the kind where i was the dumb kid. algebra never made sense to me the x's and y's for all i knew meant the same thing. i could never understand why and how numbers could be substituted by the alphabet. letters had no room in the damning halls of mathematics, i believed then. at that time too my mother's opening lines, especially during sermons, would be "i dont like to compare but 'X' is a better student then you..she has higher grades...etc". whenever she started that line a rebuttal would form in my mind..."If you hate comparing then why do it in the first place?". My whole grade school life I felt like an outsider looking at the toystore. All my mom's friends had daugthers that were silver or gold awardees, garnering the highest academic posts. and here I was, her daughter, achieving only mediocre grades and barely even able to scrape a B as a grade point average.

high school changed things, forever. I excelled in a new school and was the glory child. i immersed myself in everything and anything simply because I wanted to prove people wrong. I became student council president, merit awardee and was always at the top of my class. this achievements always came at a price: fun. I never had fun. Living far from school made it impossible for me to spend time with classmates after class hours. And being an academic do gooder automatically labeled me the "geek" and connotated someone you could never have fun with. But these winnings of mine in school gave me the acceptance that i always looked for in my mom's eyes. I never heard her utter that damning line again. I was accepted in the college of my choice, in a course that is very competitive and havent look back since.

but now this about face has ruined life for me. Now i am the one child she expects everything from. Sometimes i hate taking initiative because i know it would draw her ever watchful eyes on me. I dont tell her about the things I do in school like the time i graduated from guitar class, or how I am a Eucharistic Officer, or how people rely on me because that would just make her expect even more. Sometimes i find it unfair that the standards she sets for me are so unbalanced compared to those she sets for my siblings. She throws a fit when my grades don't make into the dean's list...which has been all the time. but its quite alright for my brother to get barely passing grades.

is this because I have set a very colorful norm? is it because she knows i can do better?

I know i can do better. but the constant pushing, prodding, pressure and what have you does take its toll. I spent today running around doing her errands at 8am while my siblings were able to stay in bed until 10am after a night of partying. I went to the same party, got home at the same time, but why does it seem perfectly alright to wake me up at an earlier time to do work when my siblings enjoy precious sleep? what am i missing here? was there something i actually did right, so correct and perfect i was that its changed everything?

i am the breadwinner, i think when a time comes for all of us kids to grow up. I'll be the one where all the responsibility gets dumped on, the one who does everything. I am Ms. Independent and Ms. Do it all...

that doesnt sound too much like a ripe future.

Ephesians 5:8

i decided to do some contemplating today. so i read the bible. as i write this blog i'm listening to my own playlist of very inspirational songs.

Ephesians 5:8 "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light"

Dear God,

It has been a while since I sat down in the quiet and really talked to you. You have gifted me with so much and I feel very much ungrateful for all that has transpired. You led me to a book recently that spoke the same message as your beautiful word has. Be a child of light...do not let my inner child die. I feel that this is exactly what i have let happen.

The innocence of youth has been peeled away from me by reality. in its place cynicism and deterioration has happened. i used to see grace, really see it with my eyes. in your gaze i flourished and bloomed like a flower. i saw myself soar on eagle's wings and climb mountains. i was blessed. but at the moment my happiness, yes i do feel happiness, seems of the earthly kind. i have satisfied and continuously do so the desires of my flesh. the standard of my happiness is whether of not my appetites have been appeased. i forget that you as God, and as man, conquered this. you have walked the very same path i did. but why am i failing despite the example you have set?

it is so very hard, God, to continue in what you have done. it is very challenging at best to be Jesus-like. I am reminded by this passage, and the preceding ones, that if i am to be truly considered a child of light i have to let go of the darkness. you taught me once God what it was like to be surrounded by your warming love, and i have forgotten how. Anoint me once more as you did before. Five years and although i have gone far in the five years I have been renewed regressions are inevitable. Help me conquer these fall backs, help me to shine brighter as a beacon of your Son than be surrounded by the shroud. Help me shine like the star i was meant to be and not be engulfed by the evening night.

Love,

me.

by the river piedra i sat down and wept

today i bought the book by Paolo Coelho. Ate kathy suggested i read it but only found the time and resources to buy it now.

rarely has a book spoken to me in such a way. i was initially hesitant to buy coleho's books because i never liked "the alchemist" and thought this would be similar. but upon reading the "author's note" i fell in love. the book has been with me for less than a day and yet i have found numerous passages that mirror the timbre inside me. as each page is turned i see myself slowly and continuously turning into Pilar, her dialogues are words that would truly come out from my own lips. i dedicated the book to myself with the words " 102208, Legazpi City, Bought in the spring of a summer romance...in hopes it would carry me through the seasons..".

He seemed to know everything; he had sprouted wings, and now he roamed the world. Meanwhile I was simply trying to put down roots.

this has reminded me of my relationship with M.. He in his own right is a very experienced man in many aspects. one word that would aptly describe him is worldly. something i am not. we meet once more in a juncture of our lives that is completely different from each other. me eyes haven't yet tasted what this world has to offer, stardust still lingers on my eyelids. meanwhile he has spent 8 years in the real world and innocence has given way to wisdom and cynicism. his dreams, are sometimes so big i wonder if i can fit at all in it. and my one true dream at the moment is to begin putting down the foundation i will build my life upon.

But a moment exists-- a moment when all the power of the stars become a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.

there will be a moment where our different worlds will collide to create a world for us. in the seemingly opposing structures that we have revolved ourselves around in, we will find the center. this morning my mother spoke to me about the gap the exists between M. and me-- a gap she says that may be too big to bridge. and just like Pilar, the other inside me took control of the paradise that i am coming to know. fear once more has taken control of the heart that has learned to love again.

What have you done with the miracles that God planted in you days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed on you?

These questions will be ones that need a lifetime to answer. My response to this would vary depending on the day that has begun and at the moment my answer isnt one i am proud of. i have once more become indifferent to miracles that have been worked in my life. the wonders on my feet that have been laid as a fulfillment of a promise have been received with callous nonchalance. and the talents that i thought i had begun to acknowledge and master are once more being pushed to the sidelines. only writing, this one medium that has shown the most potential, is what is being nourished. but there are more parts of me that are aching to grow and develop.

Men live through movement, while we remained close to the womb of the Mother... and we came to understand the cycle of creation because our bodies repeat the rhythm of the moon.

This one quote reminds me so much of M. i once thought that i could not stand still for a moment, after meeting him i realize that he has a far worse case than me. His head, with all its infinite possibilities, is always brimming with innovation and change. so much that at a given minute it is doing numerous things at once-- breaking matter's cardinal rule. a moment with him here is never dull, but not also peaceful. men live through momevement. but i have come to a empasse in my life where i no longer seek activity but instead gravitate towards comfort and solace. surrounding myself in family has struck the motherly nature that is perhaps ingrained in every female. as i watch over my younger cousins or see my nieces and nephews i begin to realize that i have the potential to love another life, a small vulnerable life, a live of a child.

No one can lie, no can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eyes. And any woman with the least bit of sensitivity can read the eys of a man in love.

I am a selfconfessed dense woman. but i have to start reading the signs that are before me. when i see the way he smiles i see happiness-- pure and elemental. when i see the way he takes in achievement pride wells up within me because i rejoice in his fulfillment. the sensitivity that i have always thought passed me by is growing everyday and i slowly learn how to see love without actual words.

We have to listen to the child we once were, the child who still exists inside us. the child understands magic moments. we can stifle its cries, but we cannot silence its voice.

I remember this. I found a similar verse in the bible where we must approach faith as children-- innocent. the amazing thing about M. and I is that we are rekindling our childlike natures. when i am with him my kiddy memories of walking in forrests and imagining far off places have returned. i look at the sky at night differently now often wondering, as the song goes, if we are wishing on the same bright star despite being separated by hundrends of kilometers. or the stories we weave for one another to bring back laughter once forgotten.

remember that human wisdom is madness in the eyes of God.

In our surpremalistic thinking we often fool ourselves into feeling limitless and wise. but the wisdom we perceive to have is foolishness. we may think we know everything, but as socrates has placed it [ i think] the man who thinks he knows everything doesnt know anything at all. this serves as a reminder to me to not let pride rule over the thirst and curiosity for information and life.

For when those walls come down then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesnt even matter whether we can keep the loved one at our side. to love is lose control.

this is my greatest fear in a relationship-- to lose control. everything in my life has been calculated and rationalized. but i am coming to learn that love, the kind that warms the blood and heals the soul, is not planned nor mapped out. to love, the real kind, is to let go of all that we have come to know and just believe. as is FAITH, to believe in the unknown that grace will be given. as is HOPE, "To trust in Thee for us" in the words of Marcel.

Some people always have to be doing battle with someone, someties even with themselves. battling with their own lives. so they begin to create a kind of play in their head, and they write the script based on their frustrations.

I am guilty of this. i admit to the numerous masks i have grown comfortable of wearing. for different people i reserve different facades in order to please and to be accepted. in my head numerous dialogues are rehearsed never to be truly played out in its entirety. sometimes i catch myself talking to the Isabel inside my head and having faux confrontations with those that anger me or irritate me.

Our dreams are our own and only we can know the effort required to keep them alive.

It is all too familiar to me to see dreams crumble as easily as i have conjured them up. I lack the drive to see them through the hardship into actualization. the first step to success is acceptance of what must be undertaken followed by determination and commitment. the effort may be grave and heavy, or light as a feather but the true measure can only be gauged by ourselves.

I wished i were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart-- someone with whom i could spen a little time withouth being afraid that i would lose him the next day. with that reassurance the time would pass more slowly. we could be slient for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversations. i wouldnt have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard work.

This was, and partially is the prayer of my heart ever since two years back. the true hunger of my heart is to find someone that will bring peace to my wandering soul. to be with someone that quelled the storms of emotion that sometimes overtake my overanalytical mind. someone who could make me laugh when the seriousness of life has caught me. someone who could hold and hug me in my entirety-- the physical and mental. someone who could meet me in my level of maturity [or lack there of] without me asking or explaining. someone who will not make me feel alone in the sea of faces around me.

But love is always new. regardless whether we loved once, twice or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand new situation. love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somehwere. we simply have to accept it because it is what nourishes our existence. if we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the brances of the tree of life. we have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness.

the moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us.

and to save us.

Amen. I have to belive this to be true from the experiences that have landed on my doorstep. love will always be new because love is like a snowflake-- no two of them are alike. and the moment we come searching for it it will be there waiting for us and be our salvation. to believe in God's love-- a love that is agape is a very daunting but fruitful exercise.

and i shall end what already is a lengthy reaction to a book that has reminded me of the past, enlightened the present and comforted the uncertainity of the future...i will finish this with one more quotation...a prayer that Pilar uttered in a chapel experiencing a charismatic event that brought her to her knees.

Thy will be done, Lord. Because you know the weaknesses in the heart of children, and you assing each of them only the burden they can bear. may you understand m love-- because it is the only thing i have that is really mine, the only thing that i will be able to take with me to the next life. please allow me to be courageous and pure; please make it capable of surviving the snares of the world.

in between.

im caught in between things. like i'm halfway there and halfway not. like i caught a glimpse of heaven but was stopped at the gates.

you see when i look at all you can offer, and all that i have, i wonder if it will ever be actualized. sometimes i pause at the beginning of a dream to see...to catch quicksilver as it may be. like it is in chemistry when you balance out two very volatile elements it's a give or take. i think we both don't know which electron we want to give to each other, nor do we know how to accept it in the daily orbit of our lives. we've taken the first step...the "yes" part. but the process, however tedious it may be is a very challenging uphill climb.

everything in my life right now is TRANSITION. from the quiet reflective momentum it was a few months back everything is on hyper drive and i'm gasping here. that is not to say i have not enjoyed the ride, i have immensely. but i guess it's only hitting me now how fast we've come to where we are now and how fast we are moving.

what is happening here?

it may be disgustingly cheesy but it reminds me of HSM2 where Gabriella and Troy we're having their off moment. how things, after they've taken their course, ended the way it did.

parallelisms.

Gabriella:
Troy...Listen...
I gotta say what's on my mind,
Cause something about us,
Doesn't seem right, these days,
Life keeps getting in the way,
Whenever we try,
Somehow the plan is always rearranged,
It's so hard to say,
But I gotta do what's best for me,
You'll be okay...

Chorus:
I've gotta move on and be who I am,
I just don't belong here,
I hope you understand,
We might find our place in this world someday,
But atleast for now...
I gotta go my own way.

Gabriella:
Don't wanna leave it all behind,
But I get my hopes up,
And I watch them fall every time,
Another colour turns to grey,
And it's just to hard to watch it all,
Slowly fade away,
I'm leaving today,
Cause I gotta do what's best for me,
You'll be okay...

Chorus:
I've gotta move on and be who I am,
I just don't belong here,
I hope you understand,
We might find our place in this world someday,
But atleast for now,
I gotta go my own way.

Troy:
What about us?
What about everything we've been through?

Gabriella:
What about trust?

Troy:
You know I never wanted to hurt you.

Gabriella:
What about me?

Troy:
What am I supposed to do?

Gabriella:
I gotta leave but I'll miss you...

I've gotta move on and be who I am,
Troy: Why do you have to go?
I just don't belong here,
I hope you understand,
Troy: I'm trying to understand.
We might find a place in this world someday,
But atleast for now,
Troy: I want you to stay.
I gotta go my own way.

I've gotta move on and be who I am,
Troy: What about us?
I just don't belong here,
I hope you understand,
Troy: I'm trying to understand.
We might find a place in this world someday,
But atleast for now,
I gotta go my own way.

I gotta go my own way,
I gotta go my own way.

i think i'm the one who isn't used to this. i think i'm the one who has to do the changing. i hope you do understand that this is pretty much as new for me as it is for you and well im not perfect.

Mayon Trail Run.

I am not an athletic person at all. I do not go out of my way to run or exercise and would consider time well spent resting on my bed with a good book. :) But today I ran 5k in one hour. haha I would consider that an accomplishment. We, my sister and I, left Penaranda Park at 6.30am and finished at the top of Lignon Hill at 7.30am. That is a 5k distance from point A to point B and part of the Mayon Trail Run organized by the JCI Legaspi here.

Honestly when M. first mentioned it to me I was hesitant but changed my mind later on. Good thing I did. I ran my first ever marathon after a very long time. The last time would be five years ago when I still lived in BF homes. After leaving the park it started raining. I really wanted to end it there and then but decided to just weather it. The rain was a mild shower but left us drenched nonetheless. That was a fun experience, perhaps an experience I might regret when i started getting the sniffles but it was amazing.

It was an ardorous task for someone as out of shape as I am but wow the view climbing the hill was great. Although I saw it all before with M. [just a few days earlier I might add] it still was something sharing it with my sister. I ran my first marathon guys. :) We almost got lost too. Along the way. But was fun. Let us see if i can run a longer distance too. :)

vacation so far.

I've been in Legazpi for a few days now. It didnt start out great but it's been turning around for the better. Yesterday I spent some time getting to know my family here again. Everytime i come home here, it's an educational experience. As of yesterday my brood of nieces and nephews have increased by one, Julianna Abby, the daughter of my cousin Dimples. I have so many nieces and nephews here that it really does take a while to remember all their names. Even my doting aunts and uncles cant remember their own grandchildren. :)

Yesterday as well I took my 6yo cousin along with me on a date with M.. It was quite new for an experience. Holding her hand and holding M.'s as well, it afforded me a glimpse of what it would be like to have my own family. I dont know what guidelines there are for parenthood, but it felt pretty close at that moment. We spent the late afternoon, yesterday, watching them harvest rice and tried our hand at it as well. We even had a very traditional merienda complete with banig and really good Filipino food. It was a funny thing too, since i was mistaken as Mrs. M. by one of the organizers. haha What a rumour that would be spreading around the city. Most of the people there too taught that my cousin was my daughter. Do i look that old to have kids? Follow up questions consisted of "Kailan ninyo to susundan?". Flabergasted much.

The view up Linyon Hill was amazing. The walk was the challenge but it was a fun one. I wish I could've had my friends there with me. It would've been great to share that with Ja and Mia, or Leo, or Ate Kathy. All the stories they can tell from that one place. It really is an artistic eyeful. The great part was I was getting much needed exercise. hahaha I'm not a very solidary person, individual exercise has never appealed to me so I dont go walk or run that often.But if i had someone there with me-- well that provides the much needed push.

The sunset was glorious as well. I dont get to see those kinds of sunsets in Manila quite often. The hues of reds and oranges intertwined in the blue sky-- WOW. When we got to the highest point of the hill it was a really great view and the gusts of wind helped cool our very sweaty selves. I found it very adorable too when M. started singing "A whole new world" from Aladdin. It felt so apt especially with the "...I can show you the world..." part. He really is an amazing guy and I feel blessed to have found him. It is so very comfortable just being with him. I dont feel like I have to put up airs, just being ordinary is amazing for him.

We shall see. :)

Kimmie Rhodes- I'm not an Angel

I heard this song while watching all old time favorite movie of mine: Mrs Winterbourne. Unfortunately I cannot find an audio file of this so i'm stuck with just the words. It has a lovely meaning. 

I'm not an angel

I'm just someone who has strayed from heaven's gates.

I'm not an angel, Baby.

Just another lost child trying to find my place.

Your love has set me flying with the wings I've never had

If you can see the good in me well then,

I guess I'm not all bad

but I'm no angel. I'm not an angel.

I'm not an angel

but I'll hold your hand to cross this bridge of life

back to the promise land and I promise

that I'll keep this love alive.

I can change my name.I can change my ways

Oh, but I can't change my past

and I can't change the fact

that I'm not an angel.

I'm not an angel

I'm just someone who has strayed from heaven's gates.

I'm not an angel, Baby.

Just another lost child trying to find my way.

Your love has set me flying with the wings I've never had

If you can see the good in me well then,

I guess I'm not all bad

but I'm no angel. I'm not an angel.

love heals.

in the roller coaster of emotions that i am experiencing at the moment i chanced upon this song. there was a time where i lived and breathed rent. that was two years ago. there was a time too the a full moon was enough to bring back memories. its a full moon tonight.

love heals...just as it was intended to do..

MAUREEN

Life a breath of midnight air

Like a lighthouse

Like a prayer

ANGEL

Like a flicker and the flare the sky reveals

ANGEL & MAUREEN

Like a walk along the shore

That you've walked a thousand times before

Like the oceans roar

Love heals

JOANNE

There are those who shield their hearts

Those who quit before they start

ROGER

Who've frozen up the part of them that feels

JOANNE & ROGER

In the dark they've lost their sight

Like a ship without a star in the night

But hold on tight

ALL

Love heals

JOANNE

When you feel like you can't go on

ALL

Love heals

JOANNE

Hold on to love

It'll keep you strong

ALL

Love heals

JOANNE

When you feel like you can't go on

ALL

Love heals

ROGER

Hold on to love

And it will bring you home

MAUREEN & BENNY

Love heals when pain's too much to bear

When you reach out your hand

And only the wind is there

MIMI & MARK

When life's unfair

When things like us are not to be

MAUREEN & BENNY

Love heals when you feel so small

Like a grain of sand

Like nothing at all

JOANNE & COLLINS

When you look out at sea

That's where love will be

That's where you'll find me

You'll find me

JOANNE

So if you fear the storm ahead

MAUREEN

As you lie awake in bed

MAUREEN & JOANNE

And there's no one, no one to stroke you head

And your mind reels, your mind

Your mind reels.

MIMI

If you face is salty wet

And you're drowning in regret

Just 

ALL

Don't forget

Don't forget

Don't forget

Don't forget

Don't forget

It's all right

Love heals

Love heals

Love heals

Love heals

Love heals

torn.

i got here to what seemed like pristine paradise. but it isnt turning out to be one. this seems ominous. tell me if im right.

contentment

today has been a day of revelations. i spent majority of it in meetings for the youth apostolate. in all honesty i never expected to find myself in the core meeting this morning and i felt like such an impostor sitting there with the other heads of the YA. but i sat there listening to them speak and in turn finding my own voice. we had a care circle about this Sunday's readings and i felt them most apt. we are in a period of transition. with the new order to create the NWC [new way of church] from the diocease BECs [basic ecclesiastical communities] are errupting in ayala. this is threatening or should i say challening how we the YA will be from this moment onward. additionally the new RH bill being debated in the government is something that has gotten the church stirred into action. additionally my own personal journey with God is motion constantly swinging and moving.

one valuable lesson i learned today, one that i even marked down in my bible, is : CONTENTMENT.

i have a very active spirit. one that is never in a certain place or moment for a long time. one that is always seekin, always moving, always trying. and a particular bible verse, in Philippians, has caused me to stop and wait. "I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens...I have learned the secret of being happy at any time in everything that happens...I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength". these are the words Paul utttered as he gave thanks to the Philippians. and these are the words i too echo as i continue my every day.

a few days back i texted Ate Kathy asking her how she remains strong [or to the same effect] and she answered : "anchor yourself in Christ". a few simple words that held a whole lot of meaning. to anchor myself to someone other than myself is a very difficult thing. all throughout life, i especially, have gotten used to resting on my own laurels and depending on my limitations. and to leave all that i have come to know to Christ is very arresting. but that is what faith is all about. it is believing in the uncertain and waiting for the unknown. the past events of my life...finishing the semester, finding M., writing and playing the piano again has been all about getting to know myself. at the moment it is no longer a quest for understaning God solely but as He is revealed to be so are facets of myself. sunday's reading assures me of this.

i am a sigurista. and to learn to be satisfied is a hard thing. but i have done a 180 and have become content with what i am feeling at the moment. there are times when i am unsure, where i am thrust outside my comfort zone into a place of uncertainty and loneliness. but i welcome this. i grasp it head on and not hide. i dont know what tomorrow will be like, whether or not i will be happy. at every turn disappointments seem to crop up and reality bites back real hard. but i am learning. learning to see grace and miracles. this is the secret of being happy at any given moment. lately i keep finding idle moments with myself either waiting for something or someone. and the waiting kills me. anticipation leaves me cold. but i have begun to open my eyes to the beauty that has otherwise been hidden from me. in the wait i find time to write about my thoughts and let words flow out. while in anticipation i busy myself with rekindling past frienships or pampering myself. there are far more wonders being worked in my life and i promise to take the time now to seek them and claim them.

fear still has not escaped me. whenever i look at answered prayers i still pinch myself to see if they are real. the last sentence in the quotation is a challenge i place upon myself. to do all things because i place my trust in Christ is uncertain because i will never know where He will lead me-- but this is the mark of a true believer. to be given strength despite uncertainty is a very courageous undertaking. one that i plan to answer.

things are constantly changing and in the movement i find contentment.

Jesus my hand, I call on your name
I cast my cares on you
Jesus my hope, my tower of strength
My faith is found on You
I see you pierced, wounded for me
when I look to the cross, I see

I see grace, sealed by your sacrifice
I see love, reaching for me
Precious blood, washes and sanctifies
Healing flows, setting me free
I see grace

"I see Grace" by Alicia Lee

Blind by Lifehouse

heard this while driving home from school today.

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
When part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
When part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you is blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
When part of me died when I let you go
When I loved you more than you'll ever know
When part of me dies when I let you go

experimenting

experimenting with a photo editor.

droning it out

it encircles me like this cloud. i watched as his writer hands flew across the key board in a flurry of imagination. but i stood still. words coming in and out, streaming from one ear to another. and yet i uttered nothing. this monologue of gigantic proportions echoes inside my mind, i do no justice to thoughts i have. and yet emotion, its swirls inside me crashing and moving. bottled up, pressurized until it hits the breaking point. i dont understand where i'm coming from, where i am headed. i do not know that path my feet are treading. and in this sea of uncertainty, in this river of doubt i float...uncaring. uncanny as it seems i am untouched. as of the moment i am numb. right now i feel nothing. this void of darkness, something i am not familiar with is eating up the light. capitulation in its essence. surrender in its purest form. i write this down with no flow of thought, or purpose. i write this down just because. now, perhaps is time i speak honestly of what is within me. now it is time to let out what can no longer be silenced. alone. i feel alone at times. especially in the quiet. i feel left behind especially in the center of movement. i see you moving forward. i see her moving back. i see them moving. i feel like i am standing still with no goal, no journey, no nothing. i understood what he meant when he said he felt incompetent. because i feel it too. i feel at a loss. i am not supposed to be placed in this position. i am me after all. i am supposed to be the best. the greatest. but i watch from the sidelines not wanting to get my feet wet. i stand in the background wishing to be part of those in the foreground. i am frustrated beyond measure by what i am left to do. i am without purpose. i am without vision. this simply isnt how i was built. help me make sense of the mysteries of my life. help me try to grasp what is beginning to unfold. help me try to listen to what is being said. i dont konw how to end this. there seems to be no proper way to conclude this revurberating echo. cant you hear it? we are being formed you and i. formed in the Refiner's fire. i just hope the pressures upon me, the pounding and unceasing molding can be made into something beautiful. do you believe that? in hope, love and faith.