contentment

today has been a day of revelations. i spent majority of it in meetings for the youth apostolate. in all honesty i never expected to find myself in the core meeting this morning and i felt like such an impostor sitting there with the other heads of the YA. but i sat there listening to them speak and in turn finding my own voice. we had a care circle about this Sunday's readings and i felt them most apt. we are in a period of transition. with the new order to create the NWC [new way of church] from the diocease BECs [basic ecclesiastical communities] are errupting in ayala. this is threatening or should i say challening how we the YA will be from this moment onward. additionally the new RH bill being debated in the government is something that has gotten the church stirred into action. additionally my own personal journey with God is motion constantly swinging and moving.

one valuable lesson i learned today, one that i even marked down in my bible, is : CONTENTMENT.

i have a very active spirit. one that is never in a certain place or moment for a long time. one that is always seekin, always moving, always trying. and a particular bible verse, in Philippians, has caused me to stop and wait. "I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens...I have learned the secret of being happy at any time in everything that happens...I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength". these are the words Paul utttered as he gave thanks to the Philippians. and these are the words i too echo as i continue my every day.

a few days back i texted Ate Kathy asking her how she remains strong [or to the same effect] and she answered : "anchor yourself in Christ". a few simple words that held a whole lot of meaning. to anchor myself to someone other than myself is a very difficult thing. all throughout life, i especially, have gotten used to resting on my own laurels and depending on my limitations. and to leave all that i have come to know to Christ is very arresting. but that is what faith is all about. it is believing in the uncertain and waiting for the unknown. the past events of my life...finishing the semester, finding M., writing and playing the piano again has been all about getting to know myself. at the moment it is no longer a quest for understaning God solely but as He is revealed to be so are facets of myself. sunday's reading assures me of this.

i am a sigurista. and to learn to be satisfied is a hard thing. but i have done a 180 and have become content with what i am feeling at the moment. there are times when i am unsure, where i am thrust outside my comfort zone into a place of uncertainty and loneliness. but i welcome this. i grasp it head on and not hide. i dont know what tomorrow will be like, whether or not i will be happy. at every turn disappointments seem to crop up and reality bites back real hard. but i am learning. learning to see grace and miracles. this is the secret of being happy at any given moment. lately i keep finding idle moments with myself either waiting for something or someone. and the waiting kills me. anticipation leaves me cold. but i have begun to open my eyes to the beauty that has otherwise been hidden from me. in the wait i find time to write about my thoughts and let words flow out. while in anticipation i busy myself with rekindling past frienships or pampering myself. there are far more wonders being worked in my life and i promise to take the time now to seek them and claim them.

fear still has not escaped me. whenever i look at answered prayers i still pinch myself to see if they are real. the last sentence in the quotation is a challenge i place upon myself. to do all things because i place my trust in Christ is uncertain because i will never know where He will lead me-- but this is the mark of a true believer. to be given strength despite uncertainty is a very courageous undertaking. one that i plan to answer.

things are constantly changing and in the movement i find contentment.

Jesus my hand, I call on your name
I cast my cares on you
Jesus my hope, my tower of strength
My faith is found on You
I see you pierced, wounded for me
when I look to the cross, I see

I see grace, sealed by your sacrifice
I see love, reaching for me
Precious blood, washes and sanctifies
Healing flows, setting me free
I see grace

"I see Grace" by Alicia Lee