by the river piedra i sat down and wept

today i bought the book by Paolo Coelho. Ate kathy suggested i read it but only found the time and resources to buy it now.

rarely has a book spoken to me in such a way. i was initially hesitant to buy coleho's books because i never liked "the alchemist" and thought this would be similar. but upon reading the "author's note" i fell in love. the book has been with me for less than a day and yet i have found numerous passages that mirror the timbre inside me. as each page is turned i see myself slowly and continuously turning into Pilar, her dialogues are words that would truly come out from my own lips. i dedicated the book to myself with the words " 102208, Legazpi City, Bought in the spring of a summer romance...in hopes it would carry me through the seasons..".

He seemed to know everything; he had sprouted wings, and now he roamed the world. Meanwhile I was simply trying to put down roots.

this has reminded me of my relationship with M.. He in his own right is a very experienced man in many aspects. one word that would aptly describe him is worldly. something i am not. we meet once more in a juncture of our lives that is completely different from each other. me eyes haven't yet tasted what this world has to offer, stardust still lingers on my eyelids. meanwhile he has spent 8 years in the real world and innocence has given way to wisdom and cynicism. his dreams, are sometimes so big i wonder if i can fit at all in it. and my one true dream at the moment is to begin putting down the foundation i will build my life upon.

But a moment exists-- a moment when all the power of the stars become a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.

there will be a moment where our different worlds will collide to create a world for us. in the seemingly opposing structures that we have revolved ourselves around in, we will find the center. this morning my mother spoke to me about the gap the exists between M. and me-- a gap she says that may be too big to bridge. and just like Pilar, the other inside me took control of the paradise that i am coming to know. fear once more has taken control of the heart that has learned to love again.

What have you done with the miracles that God planted in you days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed on you?

These questions will be ones that need a lifetime to answer. My response to this would vary depending on the day that has begun and at the moment my answer isnt one i am proud of. i have once more become indifferent to miracles that have been worked in my life. the wonders on my feet that have been laid as a fulfillment of a promise have been received with callous nonchalance. and the talents that i thought i had begun to acknowledge and master are once more being pushed to the sidelines. only writing, this one medium that has shown the most potential, is what is being nourished. but there are more parts of me that are aching to grow and develop.

Men live through movement, while we remained close to the womb of the Mother... and we came to understand the cycle of creation because our bodies repeat the rhythm of the moon.

This one quote reminds me so much of M. i once thought that i could not stand still for a moment, after meeting him i realize that he has a far worse case than me. His head, with all its infinite possibilities, is always brimming with innovation and change. so much that at a given minute it is doing numerous things at once-- breaking matter's cardinal rule. a moment with him here is never dull, but not also peaceful. men live through momevement. but i have come to a empasse in my life where i no longer seek activity but instead gravitate towards comfort and solace. surrounding myself in family has struck the motherly nature that is perhaps ingrained in every female. as i watch over my younger cousins or see my nieces and nephews i begin to realize that i have the potential to love another life, a small vulnerable life, a live of a child.

No one can lie, no can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eyes. And any woman with the least bit of sensitivity can read the eys of a man in love.

I am a selfconfessed dense woman. but i have to start reading the signs that are before me. when i see the way he smiles i see happiness-- pure and elemental. when i see the way he takes in achievement pride wells up within me because i rejoice in his fulfillment. the sensitivity that i have always thought passed me by is growing everyday and i slowly learn how to see love without actual words.

We have to listen to the child we once were, the child who still exists inside us. the child understands magic moments. we can stifle its cries, but we cannot silence its voice.

I remember this. I found a similar verse in the bible where we must approach faith as children-- innocent. the amazing thing about M. and I is that we are rekindling our childlike natures. when i am with him my kiddy memories of walking in forrests and imagining far off places have returned. i look at the sky at night differently now often wondering, as the song goes, if we are wishing on the same bright star despite being separated by hundrends of kilometers. or the stories we weave for one another to bring back laughter once forgotten.

remember that human wisdom is madness in the eyes of God.

In our surpremalistic thinking we often fool ourselves into feeling limitless and wise. but the wisdom we perceive to have is foolishness. we may think we know everything, but as socrates has placed it [ i think] the man who thinks he knows everything doesnt know anything at all. this serves as a reminder to me to not let pride rule over the thirst and curiosity for information and life.

For when those walls come down then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesnt even matter whether we can keep the loved one at our side. to love is lose control.

this is my greatest fear in a relationship-- to lose control. everything in my life has been calculated and rationalized. but i am coming to learn that love, the kind that warms the blood and heals the soul, is not planned nor mapped out. to love, the real kind, is to let go of all that we have come to know and just believe. as is FAITH, to believe in the unknown that grace will be given. as is HOPE, "To trust in Thee for us" in the words of Marcel.

Some people always have to be doing battle with someone, someties even with themselves. battling with their own lives. so they begin to create a kind of play in their head, and they write the script based on their frustrations.

I am guilty of this. i admit to the numerous masks i have grown comfortable of wearing. for different people i reserve different facades in order to please and to be accepted. in my head numerous dialogues are rehearsed never to be truly played out in its entirety. sometimes i catch myself talking to the Isabel inside my head and having faux confrontations with those that anger me or irritate me.

Our dreams are our own and only we can know the effort required to keep them alive.

It is all too familiar to me to see dreams crumble as easily as i have conjured them up. I lack the drive to see them through the hardship into actualization. the first step to success is acceptance of what must be undertaken followed by determination and commitment. the effort may be grave and heavy, or light as a feather but the true measure can only be gauged by ourselves.

I wished i were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart-- someone with whom i could spen a little time withouth being afraid that i would lose him the next day. with that reassurance the time would pass more slowly. we could be slient for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversations. i wouldnt have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard work.

This was, and partially is the prayer of my heart ever since two years back. the true hunger of my heart is to find someone that will bring peace to my wandering soul. to be with someone that quelled the storms of emotion that sometimes overtake my overanalytical mind. someone who could make me laugh when the seriousness of life has caught me. someone who could hold and hug me in my entirety-- the physical and mental. someone who could meet me in my level of maturity [or lack there of] without me asking or explaining. someone who will not make me feel alone in the sea of faces around me.

But love is always new. regardless whether we loved once, twice or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand new situation. love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somehwere. we simply have to accept it because it is what nourishes our existence. if we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the brances of the tree of life. we have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness.

the moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us.

and to save us.

Amen. I have to belive this to be true from the experiences that have landed on my doorstep. love will always be new because love is like a snowflake-- no two of them are alike. and the moment we come searching for it it will be there waiting for us and be our salvation. to believe in God's love-- a love that is agape is a very daunting but fruitful exercise.

and i shall end what already is a lengthy reaction to a book that has reminded me of the past, enlightened the present and comforted the uncertainity of the future...i will finish this with one more quotation...a prayer that Pilar uttered in a chapel experiencing a charismatic event that brought her to her knees.

Thy will be done, Lord. Because you know the weaknesses in the heart of children, and you assing each of them only the burden they can bear. may you understand m love-- because it is the only thing i have that is really mine, the only thing that i will be able to take with me to the next life. please allow me to be courageous and pure; please make it capable of surviving the snares of the world.