Imogen Heap

her voice has that haunting quality that seems almost otherwordly. i was browsing for her songs when i realized that she too did a cover for "HALLELUJAH". i downloaded it immediately and let her voice resonate inside the den. it helps me feel better.

Baby I've been here before 

I've seen this room and I've walked this floor 

I used to live alone before I knew you 

I've seen your flag on the marble arch 

but love is not some victory march 

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

There was a time when you let me know 

What's really going on below 

But now you never show that it to me, do you? 

Remember when I moved in you 

The Holy dove was moving too 

And every breath we drew was hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

_____________________

the complete lyrics:

I heard there was a secret chord 
That David played and it pleased the Lord 
But you don't really care for music, do you? 
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, 

you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you 
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, 

she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; 

I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you 
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, 

it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, 

but now you never show it to me, do you? (and) 
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dove was moving too, a

nd every breath we drew was Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love 

was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you 
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light,

 its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu--jah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu---u---jah 

thoughts on turning 21

in a few days, 9 to be exact, ill be growing one year older. another number will be added to the two decades i've been on this earth. 

for the first time in a long while i suddenly lost all the enthusiasm i had earlier on this year. turning 21 doesnt seem to be such a good idea anymore. i pinned so much hope in it, you know? putting it up there alongside graduation. but now, nearing the home stretch, im finding the energy being stripped off me. my mom was recently dealt with some bad news, which affects the entire family. and it doesn't feel right for me to celebrate my birthday in these circumstances. 

i really am hoping for a miracle. something that will surprise me enough to jolt me out of the melancholia. the funny thing is, this is one of those years where i actually can celebrate. most of the time the 17th falls on holy week, and being a Catholic Family it isn't right to celebrate your birthday on the week Jesus is persecuted and killed. 

i'm turning 21, and yes i am very much thankful for the blessings i've received in the past year. healing. love. peace. accomplishment. growth. development. but looking at the bleakness of tomorrow, and the coming days, there doesn't seem much to celebrate. if ever M. gets to read this, he'll blast me with the optimism that is characteristic of him. he'll tell me, "at least be thankful you're alive". and yes I am. but...the big but...i was just expecting so much more. you know? perhaps this sadness is emanating from unfulfilled wishes and expectations. 

comparing my birthday last year, i had such a blast. scenarios are the same. we were gearing up to serve in YE6. but prior to my birthday i was learning how to feel again. that was when i met M.. i was learning how to walk on my two feet without the crutches of Joven by my side. i received a bouquet of flowers on my birthday. and that isnt a common occurrence. i got so much in well wishing and prayers. a deluge of them all. but this year people are too busy, too worried, to anxious, to sit down and celebrate with me. it doesn't have to be big. it doesn't even have to be anything. just a cupcake, a candle, and people who matter most. a few laughs, a worry free environment. just to take a few moments out of that day to join me in saying "thank God for one more year.". i won't even be having the entire day because alongside my friends, i will be serving for the YE weekend. i'm giving the rest of the day and the entire weekend to God. 

i was just hoping for more. you know? not this uncertainty. not this worry. not this melancholy. not this sadness. not this at all. 

_____________________________________________________________

to share the email that ate kathy sent me, perhaps the message will hit some other day.

Birthday's need to be celebrated.  I think it is more important to celebrate a birthday than a successful exam, a promotion, or a victory.  Because to celebrate a birthday means to say to someone:  "Thank you for being you."  Celebrating a birthday is exalting life and being glad for it.   On a birthday we do not say:  "Thanks for what you did or said, or accomplished."  We say:  "Thank you for being born and being among us."

On birthdays we celebrate the present.  We do not complain about what happened or speculate about what will happen, but we lift someone up and let everyone say:  "We love you."

Celebrating a birthday reminds us of the goodness of life, and in this spirit we really need to celebrate people's birthdays every day, by showing gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness, and affection.  These are ways of saying, "It's good that you are alive; it's good that you are walking with me on this earth.  Let's be glad and rejoice.  This is the day that  God has made for us to be and to be together.

- Henry Nouwen

The Wishlist

**repost with editing from Multiply Blog

in one of my boring subjects, as is the case when i make these lists, i thought of my birthday wishes.

twenty one things for my twenty first birthday. funny i dont usually make these kinds of lists, i find them begging to much, but i had so much success last year. and it wasn't even deliberate, some of them were of course, but some were just coincidental. by claiming things i guess, you really do get to achieve them somehow.

so here goes.

1. retreat (April 17-19 | YE Weekend)

2. flowers (April 17 | Martin)

3. chocolate cake (April 17 | Martin)

4. book [judith mcnaught/jude deveraux] (February 28,2009 | Martin)

5. job (April | RCBC)

6. brooklyn pizza

7. high heeled shoes (March 27 | Mom)

8. surprise party (April 17 | Nina)

9. a new pair of pants

10. bikini

11. 5 lbs less

12. travel adventure [anywhere fun!] (April 3-6 | With Family) (April 21-24 | Martin, Mia, JA)

13. pierce my ears one more time [2nd hole]

14. a new phone (February 1, 2009)

15. cute beautiful notebook to keep my thoughts in

16. rubber shoes [running]

17. original copy of a movie [one of my favorites]

18. hillsong cd [latest album]

19. a romantic dinner underneath a full moon [with dancing]

20. silver ring [to replace an old one] (April 17 | Martin)

21. a new camera [point and shoot]

Graduate

last march 28 i finally said good bye, if albeit temporarily who knows, to the life of a student. i graduated in the presence of my peers and special loved ones. in the heat of the summer night, despite wearing an almost floor length toga, the sweat running down my back could in no way dampen the joy of knowing that i've reach the culmination of all my academic efforts.

four years ago i entered the university of my choice in a course that i knew little about except that it was challenging. at that time it was enough, armed with the pride of knowing i was one of the best in  my high school it served to further my self worth to know i was accepted in one of the schools more challenging courses that had produced good and employable graduates. added to this bonus is that i was grouped with people who were equally ambitious and determined. we were 25 individuals, although not all of us would graduate with the same course. i fueled my desire to learn and to mingle with a minor degree in European Studies. however i was not able to finish it in time. despite this my four years of college life will forever be the most liberating and memorable of all my school years. 

it was during these four years i have blossomed to become who i am today. armed with my experiences and exploits i feel more confident in myself. i grew more active in church activities, school organizations and social involvements. met exciting people from different walks of life, cultures and social hierarchy. ateneo will symbolize for me, aside form Magis or Cura Personalis a place where academic learning is only half of the equation, but to reap the benefits of a true education social improvement must be included. 

as i ponder what the future will hold for me, and what my next few decisions would mean as an impact in my life. i look back on what it felt like entering the gates of Ateneo for the first time, and meeting those I have encountered for the first time. it has been a whirlwind of experiences and a multitude of learnings. i miss already my blockmates, favorite teachers and usual hang outs. i miss having to wake up early to attend 7.30 classes, walking to the covered courts for PE, registering in Aisis for my classes, entering the library with dress code, cutting class to watch a movie, free wifi, eating pork chop at Manang's, sleeping in the benches and watching the school's grounds wake up as the day progresses. 

the school's motto, aside from Lux in Domino, is Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam. it resonates my high school's alma mater Ut im Omnibus Glorificatur Dei. That in all things God may be glorifed, For the greater glory of God. in every action, in every thought and in every deed; they must all be a reflection of my Christian values. to bring glory to God in my stay here on Earth. and I hope to continue this legacy as i officially enter the work force this may. with fingers crossed and with hopes held high i look forward to the joys and pitfalls of earning my own keep. and i know I am ready only because i have been readied by Ateneo.

shard of glass

in close inspection, i found a small shard of glass on my foot. it wasnt at all big, even miniscule in standards. but a foreign object embeded on my skin is something. 

i'm in reflection and contemplation of my past few days and the image staring back at me isnt exactly pleasing. M. would say I'm giving in to my negative leanings, looking at my life in a glass-is-half-empty kind of way. but i'm a planner, i organize to the last details. and in the last minute my plans are falling apart. like a glass shard, something external has disrupted the normal flowings of my life. i'm entitled to feeling disappointed I think. and i'm happy to say that I'm learning to let go of things I can't control at an easier rate. 

as I said good bye to M. this fternoon, when he dropped me off after the party, there was this unsettling feeling in me. a part felt unappreciated, like I was an after thought. Ofcourse I know he doesnt mean to, not even close to being his intention. But there are times when i do feel like an annotation instead of the main read. he has this vast life here, something that is completely mapped out and I'm the new element. Perhaps these are just unfounded fears, getting to learn more about the life we're building together. so i push these kinda of pessimistic thoughts aside and focus, as he has repeatedly told me, on the fruits of our togetherness. 

it's just sometimes there are these small shards of glass that puncture the otherwise rosy bubble. maybe these foreign object are necesary. perhaps needed. i just need time to adjust. 

Album Cover

it's this FB thingy and just wanted to post what I made. 

1 - Go to "Wikipedia." Hit “Random Article”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use Photoshop or similar to put it all together

5 - Post it to FB with this text in the "caption" and TAG the friends you want to join in. (you can untag yourself if you don't want this photo up).

Vain.

during my idle moments. :) 

i'm falling in love with sepia. it has this old world charm that attracts me. 

Paolo Coelho on Sexuality

I just finished reading Brida. It wasn't as mind-captivating as By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept but nonetheless it was interesting. At the latter part of the book, an appendix if you will, he discusses sexuality. One of the most controversial topics of this millennia, many have tried to fathom or understand what sexuality is. However the funny things about it, coincidental I should say, is that his "conversation" was a mimic of my Theology discussion on sexuality. 

In the book he mentions 8 keys to a proper journeying with the other, in our enGENDERed world. These 8 Keys, if taken into account, will allow oneself to be led into a journey that will allow us to unravel horizons that were otherwise not available.

1. You are not alone

" If the other person loves you, he or she is having the same doubts, however secure you may seem. "

2. Open the secret box of  your fantasies

" there are no sexual standards, and you must find your own, respecting only one restriction: never do anything without the other person's consent."

3. Give that which is sacred a sense of sanctity

" For this one must be as innocent as a child, and learn to accept miracles as blessings. Be creative, purify your soul through rituals you invent yourself-- such as creating a sacred space, making offerings, learning to laugh together, in order to break down the barriers of inhibitions. Understand that what you are doing is a manifestation of God's energy."

4. Explore your opposite side

" If you are a man seek at times to act like a woman- vise versa. 

5. Understand that the physical orgasm is not exactly the only objective of a sexual act, but a consequence which may or may not occur.

" Pleasure has nothing to with the orgasm, but with the encounter..."

6. Be like a river

"...flowing between opposite banks, such as a mountain and sand. On one side, natural tension or the other total relaxation..."

7. Identify your fears

" and share them with your partner..."

8. Allow yourself to have pleasure

" ...just as you are anxious to give, the other person wants to do exactly the same. If, when the two bodies meet, both want to give and receive, any problems vanish.."

I wanted to share this with M. last night but never got a chance, perhaps it wasnt meant to be. Moreover, these 8 key steps are general rules anyone should follow not only in terms of sexuality or the sexual act. Condensed it just meant to know the value of chastity (i.e. a proper reverence for things) and to act according to the Golden Rule, that is to act how you want yourself to be treated. 

You are the only one

on the way to lee's house this song played on the radio. havent heard it in a while but the mood fit the craziness inside my mind. 

By Maria Mena

Well I saw you with your hands above your head
Spinning around, trying not to look down
But you did, and you fell, hard on the ground
Then you stumbled around for a good ten minutes
And I said I'd never seen anyone look so dumb before
And you laughed and said I still know how to turn you on though

You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

And I probably forgot to tell you this
Like that time I forgot to tell you about the scar
Remember how uncomfortable that made you feel?
See you're not what I expected
But you're the only one who knows how to handle me
And you're such a great kisser and I know that you agree

You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

I hope you can forgive me for that time
When I put my hand between your legs
And said it was small
Cuz its really not at all
I guess there's just a part of me that likes to bring you down
Just to keep you around
Cuz the day that you realize how amazing you are
You're gonna leave me

You're the only one who
Holds my hair back when I'm drunk and get sick
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

You're the only one who
Drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams
You're the only one who
Knows exactly what I mean

Exactly what I mean

Well I saw you with your hands above your head
Spinning around, trying not to look down
But you did, and you fell, hard on the ground

Fairy tales?

i think there comes an age for girls to grow up. and this happens when you finally realize that fairy tales don't exist. that whole bull that disney feeds us about a prince charming that will ride us off into the sunset for happily ever after? it's not going to happen. 

sleeping beauty was lucky.

snow white was an exception.

cinderella had a fairy god mother.

belle had magic on her side.

how about us? the normal average human beings that have no access to the bippity boppity boo? we have what you call REALITY. and that's the thing that finally hit me. i live a life of realism. a life where if you wish it, things would go wrong. if you could imagine a disaster perhaps it's happened before. those story book love stories happen only to a few people in this time. Grace Kelly perhaps. but who is to say I'm one of them? dreams are for the fools that hope in an ideal. 

you could say that even the disney princesses had to undergo some sort of struggle.

sleeping beauty had the curse.

snow white had a jealous step mother.

cinderella had evil step sisters and a kitchen to clean.

belle had to fall in love with a beast.

girls in the real age, modern contemporary setting have curses to overcome, bitches to step over, houses to clean, work to get done and there are enormous amount of assholes who disguise themselves as princes worth loving. but we have no magic apple, no wand, no magic, no seven dwarfs. so i think we got the shorter end of the deal. 

fairy tales don't exist. just a healthy dose of what's staring you in the face. 

however that isn't to say that we dont have happy moments. or the kinds that remind us of the fairy book ending we read about. we do. the scarcity of them happening. and the undeniable odds that they become possible are what helps us treasure them even more. 

which is something, according to M. i don't do often enough. 

In Retrospect

according to www.dictionary.com retrospect is defined as "a contemplation of the past".

i think that's what i do with my writing. to think about what has gone in order to understand what will be. so much has passed by, and the intensity of these activities has left me breathless for a while. it was just a few weeks ago that we were asked to complete a personal strategic plan that i realized, aside from being extremely blessed i am as well extremely lacking in the pursuit of my dreams.

there are so much i want to achieve in a lifetime that i dont even know how long it spans. so in the course of three years i am committing myself to a routine that is rigid with activity and passes in the movement of light. in a few more days i will taste what some have been dreading and some have been looking forward too: graduation. a final good bye to the academic life and an initial submersion into what is called reality. no longer will i be dependent on the successes of my parents or loved ones but will realize the effort and fulfillment it takes to stand on my own two feet. this idea scares but most of all excites me. 

i am looking forward to meeting people. that has always been the merits of going out into the world and stretching my wings. in the next three years i hope to joing the singles apostolate, encounter people at work and join voluntary ogranizations. before settling down i want to at least help in Gawad Kalinga or Habitat for Humanity. to be altruistic, to be selfless, to be an embodiment of agape. that i cannot do without. and to live it out, despite the hectic-ness of my schedules will be a challenge act to balance. 

i faced a "hurdle" of my own today. in the endless pursuit for the ideal job i was especially interested with this one. RCBC was my mom's first employer, it was a job she carried on until after i was born and into my childhood years. i grew up running around her feet at the office, playing clerk while she talked with clients. I was JFK,Jr in the white house, in that iconic photo of him sticking his head out underneath his father's desk. i had a preliminary interview with a panel of five for their officer development program. it is a 12month program that will train and provide opportunities for fresh graduates to enter a junior managerial level upon the termination of the program. a panel of five stranger who would decide upon my future, whether or not i would be deemed suitable for a position in a company that they have been working for. 

i made it.

yup, i just received a text saying i've made it through this morning's interview and now i'm set to undergo their whole day psycho-analytical, intellectual, verbal proficiency test. on march 5, 2009 from 9.00-16.30. a whole day event where i cannot just rest on my laurels but find, somewhere, a competitive advantage that will include me in this class of 15 for the ODP. it scares me, this prospect, because in all honesty I want it. people keep telling me to aim for MNCs or MT positions. but this is a MT positions, however in a Filipino operated company. it may not be the best out there, but it is a ripe opportunity. 

they showed us the culminating project of the class before us, a class that graduated 15 individuals who now are on their way to pave their careers beautifully. it was a video and it played a song that reminded me of this journey i'm about to embark on. 

At the Beginning - Anastacia OST

We were strangers starting out on our journey

Never dreaming what we'd have to go through

Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing

At the beginning with you

No one told me I was going to find you

Unexpected what you did to my heart

When I lost hope you were there to remind me

This is the start

(chorus)

And Life is a road and I want to keep going

Love is a river I want to keep flowing

Life is a road now and forever

A Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning

I'll be there when the storm is through

In the end I wanna be standing

At the beginning with you

We were strangers on a crazy adventure

Never dreaming how our dreams would come true

Now here we stand unafraid of the future

At the beginning with you

(chorus)

I knew there was somebody somewhere

Like me alone in the dark

I know that my dream will live on

I've been waiting so long

Nothing's gonna tear us apart

(chorus)

In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you 

Nights in Rodanthe

i just finished watching the movie, and although I have never had the chance to read the book I'm pretty sure the story line still goes the same. the first thing that drew me to the movie was the fact Richard Gere would be starrin in it, and the other thing was it was written by Nicholas Sparks. Of all his books I've only read two, and both have been tear jerkers. I expected this to be the same however I did not anticipate how much the story would remind me of myself.

Adrienne.

I was Adrienne. For a very long time I was stuck in the routines of life. Of doing things because they were mechanical. School was something I'd go to Mondays to Fridays, worry about on occassion but most of the time disregard. My love life was the same. I was so used to saying I love you that it never really meant anything anymore. Seeing Joven's face became so common place, that I just accepted things as they were. I went with the flow simply because it was easier, not having to think at all. I was a robot in a monotonous life that showed some fulfillment, but it wasnt enough.

I needed something to jolt me. To move me into an existence that i deserved. Stepping out of the comforts of this robotic life was a hard step, a complicated one. How do you shake off four years of habituation? How do you just shed four years of dust and atrophied muscles? I didn't event think I could do it. It took me a while to remember how to really smile again, how to have silent glances and girly giggles. It took me a while recognize what a true life could be like.

Rodanthe.

I too had my own Rodanthe. A place where I could escape the bindings of monotony and feel vitality once more ebb into the shell I called myself. I don't remember how it started, I don't recall the exact moment, but I do remember the wondrous feeling of peace. For the first time, in a very long time, I was able to wake up without a burden on my shoulders. I didn't, at first, recognize what it meant to be free. I no longer felt ashamed, embarassed, unloved, taken forgranted, disgraced. I realized my worth, what I was as a person. When something huge hits you, sometimes in the shock of things you finally see your surrounding in clarity. My life flashed before me in clarity, in a distinct, unbiased way I saw myself for what I was. I was pitiful. In an effort to be merciful and selfless I gave too much of me for a cause that wasn't worth it any longer. In the purity of the moment I saw my selflessness as a disgrace to myself, and my self-worth. You have no idea how much I questioned my value in this life. I doubted my dignity, and I couldnt in all honesty respect the person I saw staring back at me in the mirror. Whenever I saw my face the only thing starring back at me was failure, and I appropriated every action, thought and deed to this. 

To get back on my own to feet required a lot of hard work, a struggle that I still have to undergo today. Everytime something reminds me of the past, there are still moments where I find myself thinking how I used to. I still second guess myself whether or not I'm enough. Sometimes I sink back to the darkness, I berate myself for not being enough. But today, after the movie, I am reminded of my own simple victories and how much it effort it took to get here. No one in this world will love me as I deserve except God. He can choose to manifest it through other people, but it is only through him will i find what i'm looking for.

Last night was a tough one for me. I felt the foundations of my new life crashing around me once more because past wounds have a way of resurfacing. And it is only now that I am reminded that there is a promise for me, one I must claim, that I will be fulfilled. I will be cared for. I will be understood. I will be loved.

I pick up the phone to call M. up, just to feel another human's voice. He is part and parcel of this utopia I am glimpsing. For this I am thankful.