tell me

tell me what do you see when you look at me.
tell me what kind of eyes stare back at you.
tell me what emotions are etched on my face.
tell me what kind of person is in front of you.

tell me...

because there are just some days where i cant face the person staring back at me in the mirror.

drifting

like a leaf swaying downward into the ground.

like a piece of wood moving in the sea going no where.

like a feather just floating in the air destination-less.

like a piece of paper thrown upward left to find its landing point.

i'm drifting. anchor me.

Bless the Broken Road

I've told M. enough times already that i think he is the answer to my prayers. i prayed a lot after a failed relationship that left me very vulnerable and scarred. this song, captures the essence of how we came to be what we are now.

Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

100% girl

i remember this and how much it made me cry the first time i read it. :) keep clicking on the picture that will appear and another one would pop out. read until the end.

click here

a daugther's surprise

** from my friendster blog Dec 15, 2005 **

i got an amazing surprise yesterday..while browsing through some old notebooks and what have you’s in the attic i came upon a yellow steno notebook…[which i ofcourse read] and inside i was surprised to find something written by my mother dated october 21 1998…all about me! here let me share it with you..

Isabel cooked french toast. she said she was cooking some to bring to Tita Guapa and was saving some for me so i can have a snack when i get home.

Isabel is keen on directing plays; having her kid sister Nina act on her direction for Mommy and Daddy.

i remember on her 8th bday she organized he own bdayparty. she had taken care of every detail. from the invitations down to the games. she prepared everything and wrote the invitations on her own. all i had to do was just prepare the menu. it was a small get together but she organized everything on her own and it turned to be A-okay.

Isabel had always shown a desire to be a cheerdancer for her school team. as early as grade 2 she tried out but was only taken in on her 3rd try when she was already grade 4.

she has her quiet ways. she normally will not call attention to herself nor will she complain. when she was about 6 years old she complained of a headache which Noli and i didnt mind. we even went to mass and when we got home the yaya told us that isabel had very high fever. by then, she was already very sick but she administered her own medication; used a bimpo with ice to soothe her terrible headahe–No fuss– she was later found out to have dengue fever.

she is not very demonstrative with her feelings buy when she likes someone she can be very smothering…very sweet and thoughtful…

independent…

it ends there..imagine to my wonderful surprise when i read it all…made my day… absolutely..

going down memory lane

i was browsing through my friendster blog. something i havent done in quite sometime and this song was posted in one of the entries. i dont remember the exact context why i wrote a blog around this song but watching the MTV...it was quite evocative.

i think it's an ode to all our life's regrets and "What if"'s and it's come in quite an opportune moment. especially since there are a lot of questions swirling in my head.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

** What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

plateau

listening to the crooned romantic songs in my laptop. there is a heaviness that has settled in me. it is a heaviness i cannot explain. perhaps it's got something to do with school or hormones. but it doesnt sit well with me.

i'm finding, that despite being surrounded by loving people, there are things i cannot share. there are things i cant seem to speak out loud and this limits me. i have always loved words and the power to be found in them. and i find myself restricted at the moment. my life, whatever roller coaster it may be, has frozen on a plateau.

i find that i need to be shaken. i need to be moved. i need to pushed into motion. i have to pull outside of me this kinetic thrust into something more than a sedentary life. little has not inspired me so fully as the past has. the one big thing in my life now is M. faith is experiencing drought. i claw at air when i say that the WORD is empty and silent. the songs that used to be so evocative are plaintive. i rejoiced in the silence. but i am finding out that the silence is disconcerting and deafening.

it has been a while since i last wrote in my journal. this laptop of mine has made it so easy for my hands to follow my thoughts that writing things down has taken a back seat. i used to enjoy writing things down on paper. to watch as a story unfolded and to see my hand fly from one corner to another was a creative process. it made me play at being God to know that at some point i created something. but now it takes so much out of me to open a notebook and take a pen out.

i am restless. in the quiet i find i cannot sit still enough to enjoy the peace. i am waiting for something, but it is something that hasnt been realized. i feel a storm brewing before me. like an impending doom looming in the horizon. i feel helpless. and i pray that this isnt so.

turnaround.

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

i'm missing you

heard this song play in the car a while back as i drove my sister to Ateneo. i cant remember the last time i felt this way. it's a heady emotion that's just gone straight to the heart. i ache and echo with the words of this song. is it possible to feel this way at such short notice?

it has become a rare occassion where i give in to sentimentality. it's been quite a while since i felt such strong tuggings in my heart. i really cant explain it, and even if i tried i dont think i'd give it justice. i am happy. it's so simplistic to say it as such but i am. happiness can mean so many and yet it says so little.

Thought I heard your voice yesterday
When I turned around to say
That I loved you baby
I realize, it was just my mind
Played tricks on me

And it seems colder lately at night
And I try to sleep with the lights on
Every time the phone rings
I pray to God it's you
And I just can't believe
That we're through

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

Is it turning over this time
Have we really changed our minds about each other's love
All the feelings that we used to share
I refuse to believe
That you don't care

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

I've got to gather myself as together
I've been through worst kinds of weather
If it's over now
Then I'll be strong
Can't believe that you're gone
I've got to carry over

I miss you
There's no other way to say it
And I, and I can't deny it
I miss you
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

Oh there's no other way to say it
I can't deny it
I miss you baby
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

Oh no other way to say it
I miss you baby
There's no other
That you're deprived of me now
That you're deprived of me now
I miss you
Said I can't deny it
I, I, I, I miss you baby
It's so easy to see
I miss you and me

i think my friends will laugh when they read this. perhaps they'll even turn their heads in disgust. they don't understand. but most of them see the smile on my face or the way i glow--its dawns on them to just let me be. there is perhaps only one other person who will be able to congratulate me, and even share in this joy. she's busy experiencing the time of her own life now. kindred souls i should say. kindred spirits.

i'm missing you babe. cant wait for you to get back here. life is perfect when i'm in your arms.

raining

sitting in eco class, i saw a glimpse of love. a few feet away from me a couple hugged in the staircase. the thing that made it even more poignant for me was the guy --he was wearing a la sallian jacket.

there's a picture in my head. a picture ive never truly been able to erase. in it there's a gloomy skyline. it's raining hard. and you see two people sharing an umbrella. they're walking down a path. then they turn. look at each other and share a moment.

i miss sharing moments. i miss looking at eyes that reflect the love i feel. i miss holding someone that fits perfectly. i miss so many things. i miss you.

providence

i got to school early this morning. as i passed by the kostka extension i hear a few lines from a song, which i still cant name.

"why did you have to leave me?"

it's funny how a few lines can resonate inside you like a timbre. M left for legazpi yesterday and i'm finally beginning to feel the effects of him not being here. i saw him monday night and it was wonderful. haven't laughed that much and that loud in a while. a real long while. in between bottles of beers and hilarious stories i felt so at home. so comfortable. so at peace.

there's a funny thing at work here. there's a providence shining upon us. i was talking to him on the phone a while ago and he said that he prayed to be in a relationship a year back. he prayed, and even nuns helped him pray. and i stopped dead in my tracks. because i too was praying at just about the same time. i remember crying on ate kathy's shoulder and telling her how i wanted to be loved for who i was. i remember writing about love and how i wanted it to be my turn. i remember...i remember it all. it's falling into place. in an eerie way i see the picture finally takind form.

i used to be so doubtful about this relationship. there were so many factors, so it seemed, working against what we had. he's older. i'm younger. he's more wordly. i'm a naivete. but it's falling into place now. everything is blessed. everything is graced. is this what it feels like? for the first time i feel so free. my parents know, and approve of him. i feel loved in a way i havent felt. it's liberating.

i am in waiting. waiting for him to come back. but it's expectant. it's not that kind that you feel when you dont know what you're waiting for. it's anticipation.

"I want you to stay, never go away from me
stay forever"

** i found the song: Stay by Carol Banawa

lonely.

people fear a lot of things. there are a lot of things you can attach the suffix -phobia to. but my one greatest fear...the one thing that will get everything I consider "me" is loneliness.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

i dont know if this is true by Lifehouse is a Christian band. so if you juxtapose these lyrics with the faith life i have come to lead. these are the lyrics to the song "Broken". and there are times in my life when i do feel lonely. despite the care i put into building relationships, or the attention i give to those special in my life. there is a part of me that has this great fear of being alone. a part of me that shakes and quivers with the thought that no one can understand.

"I'm hanging on another day...YOU said that I will be okay". i am a believer in knowing that a grand and master plan is at work here. i am a believer in the limitedness that humans possess. i am a believer that we are creatures of a Creator. but a belief that quivers is not properly grounded. i was promised greatness. i was promised wonders. i was promises amazement.

"I am barely holding on to YOU". take me back to that time I fell in love. take me back to that time i came to know "I am". take me back to that time i became forgiven. let me remember with poignant clarity the joy of beig yours. let me remember. help me remember. the joys you have promised me are somewhat being clouded by a darkened shroud. it is cold in the loneliness. disensitized.