pushed

i hate being pushed. out of the limelight. out of the loop. out. 

to find myself in the circumference and not the center. it's annoying. irritating.

Dear Dreamer

** a love letter

Dear dreamer,
i was the same way. a few years ago during my own YE i was asked to pick a photo that best described my life at that moment. it was a photo of one red gummy with 11 other green gummy bears. it wasnt necessarily a photo of what i wanted to be, of who i would become in a few years time. but it was a photo of how i felt unique, albeit alone. i'm happy to report that i've mentally edited this photo, to include another gummy bear next to mine. an orange one. you. 

if i were to give you a picture to describe me at the moment ill

describe one for you: clear blue skies, a green field with the grass swaying in the wind. i love the feel of an air draft underneath me, it gives me an illusion of speed, of flying. how amazing it must be to be able to soar into the skies. but i've come pretty close with you. 

last night, before the prayer meeting i followed my sister to the kiddy park near ryan's house. there was a jungle gym, monkey bars, most especially a swing. despite being dressed in corporate attire, i felt an instant attraction to the swings. i hopped on to one and kicked with all my might until i could go high up. the wind was strong beneath me and i felt so young and carefree. i imagined you were right there pushing me holding my waist. that's what it feels like in your arms. 

i love you dreamer,
yours,
the writer

ps: found a photo of a red and orange gummy bear 

The wishlist

in one of my boring subjects, as is the case when i make these lists, i thought of my birthday wishes.

twenty one things for my twenty first birthday. funny i dont usually make these kinds of lists, i find them begging to much, but i had so much success last year. and it wasn't even deliberate, some of them were of course, but some were just coincidental. by claiming things i guess, you really do get to achieve them somehow.

so here goes.

1. retreat

2. flowers [3 dozen roses from M. on Feb 14, 09]

3. chocolate cake

4. book [judith mcnaught/jude deveraux]

5. job

6. brooklyn pizza

7. high heeled shoes

8. surprise party

9. a new pair of pants

10. bikini

11. 5 lbs less

12. travel adventure [anywhere fun!]

13. pierce my ears one more time [2nd hole]

14. a new phone [sun phone, January 09']

15. cute beautiful notebook to keep my thoughts in

16. rubber shoes [running]

17. original copy of a movie [one of my favorites]

18. hillsong cd [latest album]

19. a romantic dinner underneath a full moon [with dancing]

20. silver ring [to replace an old one]

21. a new camera [point and shoot]

Early today

i had a job interview today. yet another one in the search for the ideal work place. i really wasnt at all interested in the job being offered today, but i wanted the interview experience to prepare me for the important ones. so instead of looking for a job, i was looking for an adventure. i wanted to imagine that i was actually working the in the makati area already. as i slipped my arms into my crisp white shirt, and buckled the snaps on my trusty black slacks it felt like my corporate dreams coming true.

in fashion of my imagination, i left my house at 8am and drove all the way. it didnt take me long

 to suddenly find myself in the familiar roads of magallanes, arnaiz ave and gamboa street. i

 needed a parking spot, and lucky for me greenbelt opened its doors early. i parked my white lancer on the second floor and turned off the engine. i took a deep breath, pinched myself and methodically took out my make up kit. by this time i had already called M. and told him i was safe, texted my dad that i found the place, and placed my car keys on the lock position. i fixed myself up just right, wishing to make a wonderful impression. i was two hours early, prime time for me to explore the waking city and look at the near by nooks and crannies. greenbelt was just barely coming alive, a few restaurants were opening but i didnt come here for the obvious. AIM was to my right, but it felt imposing with its brown walls and grave cement. to make it a complete adventure i took out my camera phone and reenacted my serendra escapade with ate kathy. i took a few photo and began walking through the hollow corridors and looking through darkened windows. i felt like some kind of peeping tom and i'm sure passersby thought i was weird or not mentally sound. it didn't matter to me. i felt too much like a kid to be disappointed.

with so much time yet to spare, i dropped by mcdo to feed my sweet tooth craving. i had a hot fudge sundae. i sat down on my own table and people watched. there were so many other similarly dressed people beside me. the man to my left wore a white barong, had PDI firmly in

 his hands, and his radio phone blaring out tunes that were easily audible. the man in front of me wore a blue polo and had a hamdesal for breakfast. another group of men were on my north east side. they were laughing around and they reminded me of my dad and his barkada. they seemed like regulars waving at people they knew and acting friendly with the staff. the group to my right were simple folk enjoying, perhaps, a very simple yet important meal. i smiled at them wishing to be kind, they smiled back. makati doesn't seem so cold and forbidding anymore. i took a few photos of my eye glasses, wanting to seem artistic. but all i really felt like achieving was an accurate account of how makati seemed to a noob like me. the roads fascinated me, with all its restrictions. i had a trusty map with me, and i wanted to do this mini adventure all over again on monday by visiting the ayala museum or walking around the greenbelt park. how does makati look like during the weekends, i wonder? i'm sure it would be deserted, an even more promising scenario. less people to bump into, less people to think i'm strange. 

 

i was fascinated by so many things, even crossing the street. i heard the pitter patter of my shoes on the pavement and with every step i felt even more rejuvenated. it took me 5 minutes to find the building, making me 30 minutes early. along the way i saw the enchanted kingdom head office, i wondered if tito mario or tita cynthia would be there. you see my imagination was on hyper drive and hypothetical conversations were running in my head. or it could've been the effect of the sugar rush, and the icy coldness of the ice cream. i rattled off the names from the map...legazpi, salcedo, aguire, gamboa...all of them housing buildings upon buildings of work areas. if only i had the time, and the proper equipment, i wanted to walk all the way to ayala for krispy kreme or to just take even more photos. perhaps on monday with M. and an even better sunlight. 

i'm getting all keyed up. there are a lot of places to visit and i want to share it with someone. want to come along for the ride?

Time Lined

I'll tell you what my day was like.

12.00

Still on the phone. It was another roller coaster ride and it didn't seem to let up. We played a game of He said, She said. And I found myself breaking, all over again. Sometimes I think I'm caught in a wormhole, as if I'm being warped back into time, into a place where I was broken. This seems so familiar, even to a lot of my friends and my blood ran cold. I did not want to be stuck in this position again, to be placed here where my value was questioned.

01.00

The storm felt as if it was fading. We were finally in the apologies and I desperately needed sleep. My eyes were red, puffy and watery. I hope later on in the day it would subside, looking my best was the ticket to success.

02.00

Sleeping. Caught the blissfulness of forgetting by 01.45, but was surely in the land of dreams [or the lack of it] by this time.

03.00

04.00

05.00

Woke up with my head cracking into two, my body spent and my eyes still red. Today didn't look fruitful 

at all. It look down right melancholic. I had to drag my body off to the shower, sluggishly prepared my things and went downstairs. I skipped the dining table, I dont think food and I would be friends at such an early hour. Found the sofa so inviting, I plopped into it and promptly fell back to sleep.

06.00

On the road with my dad. He was talking to me, as we usually do on our quiet times together. But all I really wanted was rest, all I really needed was sleep. I don't know if I apologized or even

 asked, but I closed my eyes for just a second and was conscious no more.

07.00

We reached Prudent, dad had to sign a few documents. I just wanted sleep. We climbed four flights of stairs, I followed in my slowest pace. He

 opened the office doors, turned on the lights and sat on his table. I never saw my dad this way, so concentrated and engrossed with figures and costs. I sat on a chair, closed my eyes....

08.00

By this time I had woken up, reached school and called M.. I found myself seated in one of SECs benches conversing with someone I have started to fear. My eyes were still red and they hurt. I remember touching them, my cool hands were like soothing balms to the heated flesh. I looked Chinese, and that is an achievement considering I have big eyes. It's amazing my dad didn't comment, I wouldn't know what answers to give him anyway. I had thirty minutes before my

 day would start, thirty more minutes of conversation, thirty more minutes before the official countdown would begin. Get. Set. Go.

09.00

Stuck in Ec141, listening to my teacher drone on and on about production and consumerism. These words seem so foreign to me as if I didnt just spend the last four years of my life acquainting myself to what they meant and stood for. I no longer wished to listen. So I took out Radcliffe and started reading Chapter 7, we have a quiz on this after all. Theo would be beginning in thirty minutes, that would mean walking, that would mean I needed energy. I got to the classroom, said my customary hello's and sat down. The chair, although hard, was a lovely place to be in. I didnt trust myself to keep me sane today, I needed something hard to hold me

 together.

10.00

We were discussing the group project and my temper was building. I was not in a cordial mood and these people were annoying me. They were speaking gibberish, when the whole things was just simple. However I could not say anything constructive so I kept quiet and held my anger in check. We'll be meeting again on Friday, before my IBM test. I hope I remember this. Right now all I can think about is donning the suit, and getting myself ready for the interview. 

11.00

My dad had just picked me up from school. I finally have food in my stomach, 2 German franks and 1 ham n cheese from waffle time. Also, I was dressed. Looking at myself in the mirror, it was a rite of passage. I no longer looked like me, or at least how I've been the past four years. My hair was slick, my face made up and pearl earrings attached as adornments. This was my mother staring back at me, scary thought.

12.00

Finally in Makati. I thought the supposed traffic would deter us, also looking for the right street. But it didn't. I was one hour early for an appointment and I didnt know what to do. I called M. and that helped somewhat but I needed to keep my hands busy. There was a Starbucks on

 the corner, I entered and let the quiet atmosphere seep into me. I knew what I wanted, looked in my bag for the right amount of cash but found none. Amazing, I had forgotten my wallet in the car. That meant my lifeline at the moment. That also meant my napkin and other paraphernalia would be there too. Damn. I had thirty minutes to spend, and the heat was making walking unbearable. I found a shadowed alcove, I had my phone that seemed like

 enough. However there were men looking at me, and I hate that. They made me feel uncomfortable and the minutes tick by ever so slowly. This isn't right, there should be more respect when it comes to girls. I guess chivalry really is dead. Time to walk to 150 Legazpi, a white imposing building. The guards were nice and very accommodating. Lucky I had the good sense to still wear my school i.d., I still had proof of who I was -- my identity. Rode the elevator to the fourth floor and my heartbeat escalated. I found the place, the waiting room, and the person. My vision started clouding and the room spinning. I saw that chair in the hallway, that's how it looked to me. 

13.00

The test begins. Funny, Myrna just dropped it on the table without even a word. Good thing I had the sense of taking the initiative. Perhaps that was the test. I finished the simple personality questionnaire in a few minutes, wondering if this would seal my fate. She entered the room, arranged the chairs and asked me questions.

What kind of salary are you looking for?

Would you want to work for this industry?

What are your long term goals?

Are you the eldest?

Any siblings?

Are your parents working?

They all fade away now in my memory, but I remember answering them all. She laughed at a few of them, and that seems good. I only hope I can replicate my success here with tomorrow's interview. I stepped out of the room and things are starting to look normal now. The chair appears more

 solid, maybe it really were my eyes playing tricks on me. 

14.00

I began walking the Makati sidewalk. It felt good to be out of the confines of that building. Where was my bag, I needed to call M. and tell him what I felt. There was a spirit of joviality in the air. The same spirit that was missing from my morning. Ironic to me was that I shared both my failures and successes of today with the same person. I guess this is love, huh? I walked, my heels creating it's own tempo on the concrete. I didn't care about the stares, didn't they see people normally dressed this way in the area? I spoke and talked at the same time, the excitement was infectious because he was laughing along with me. However my stomach was complaining, I needed real food and fast. I told it to wait, good news must be shared first, besides I could see AIM in a distance and that meant The Cafe would be near. I finally got there, with blistered feet and rosy cheeks. I glowed when tita commented: di ka pa graduate naghahanap ka na ng trabaho. My dad too it would seem. I guess my actions really are a testimony to their success as parents and I'm happy that I make them proud. I ordered my new favorite: Fish Parmesan Fillet and Parsley Rice. 

15.00

On our way home now. The joy has started to dissipate and the weariness set in. I needed my sleep so I found my eyes closed again once more. I heard the constant rhythm of my dad's breathing and that lulled me into a comforting slumber. I have been taken cared of today, and the triumphs I have achieved, plus the effort it took me to get there, have not gone unnoticed. 

16.00

I'm home now, the bed looks so inviting even if it's bare. They started changing the sheets but never finished. It didn't matter to me, I just needed something soft to cushion my fall. I took my clothes off, my shoes and my glasses. Put on a big shirt and promptly fell into bed. It took me immediately, this need for rest. I forgot what time meant, what concerns I needed to address, and the world revolving around me. Sleep was blissful.

17.00

18.00

I waited for M.'s call but it never came. He must be busy, but for a second there I got scared. This doesnt bear well with me. He'll call when he can, I hope.

19.00

Finally awake and about to finish this blog. My body is still sluggish, the after effects of the prior night. I'm looking forward to party spaghetti, that's supposed to be our dinner tonight. Funny how my day has passed. I still have tomorrow to look forward to, and agonize over. Driving there on my own armed only with a map and my spirit. It would seem like an

 adventure, a good one I hope. This was the lighted hallway in the office, and I like how the light would criss cross against each other to form patterns on the carpeted floor. Tomorrow would seem like this to me, a maze of high ways and numerous choices to pursue. Some bigger than the others, some more transparent than the others. They're all choices just the same. Mine. 

They are my choices.

Countdown

Surprises pop up just about anywhere. Unexpected gifts. Coincidences. Fate-d experiences.

I remember what I felt one cold night. Thinking how graduation would change so much about my life. So many things that have become comfortable--set class schedules, carpool trips, sleeping late for papers-- will no longer be the life I lead. It's the final countdown to maturity. And as I literally watch my childhood run on its last legs I begin to embrace the joys of the future.

Older people have told me to relish what I have now, while it lasts. Perhaps the idealism they too felt at the novelty of earning their own pay check has faded away. They tell me work isn't as perfect as I picture it to be. Things are tedious, montonous tasks that do nothing to fulfill the yearning for education. Work is Work. 

But in all honestly, all I want to do is say good bye to college. I want to make this rite of passage happen. now. Yes I know it won't be easy. I have to deserve the pay. I have to wake up early, stay late. I have to be a slave to schedules. But nothing is ever easy, we all have to deserve what we get, and waking up early has always been a part of my life. 

I'm not so scared now. I'm in advent. This waiting for the culmination of things fillls my spirit with tranquility. Somehow, I don't know how exactly, I know will be taken cared of. 

To face fear

I think my mind is revolving around one thing these days: work.

Early on this year I remember bragging to my dad about the things i would do once i finally cash in my first pay check. I had so many thing I wanted to buy. I dreamed about spending my it on traveling, or clothes, or something else. I had and still have so many dreams. Of course the idealistic facet of me would think about all the great and amazing things.

However I've fallen down into reality.

Two job interviews next week. And once more I derive my strength from the words of Paolo Coelho.

It is necessary to run risks, to follow certain paths and to abandon others. No one can make a choice without feeling fear.
( Brida )

He's right. A painful truth. It is necessary to compromise to be able to get the best. And if there's one thing i've come to know greatly it's compromise. I guess this is an essential part of maturity. Funny how this quote reminds me of Robert Frost's poem of "The Road Not Travelled". It's perfect timing that I remember his words especially at this point of the journey.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Doubt

At the moment, things are on hyper drive with my life. The Job Fair in school seems like an appropriate wake up call, to shake me from this pragmatic life I've been leading. I have started to forget that in a few months time I will no longer be returning to the life in the academe, but enter an entirely new pool of people: the employable unemployed.

As seniors, well for some of us myself included, we are starting to suffer from senioritis. A so called condition, as it was coined by upperclass men, describing the last year in any institution. Symptoms include feeling nostalgic, not doing work because you're lazy, experiencing superior tendencies over other students and the like. I've been breezing through classes, not minding lectures and just submitting the bare essentials. I plateaued into a place where I was comfortable enough with my status as an eligible graduate. 

But things change.

A few days ago I decided to revisit my third year resume [aka Version 1] and tried to do the necessary adjustments. With pride I added "Marketing Trainee" in the Work Experience section, and words like productive and hard-working as positive characteristics describing me. I thought that this would give me a golden ticket to the world of corporate high ways and the great big moolah. Unfortunately, false pride falls fast. M. proof-read my Version 1, due to my request, because I wanted an outsider's view on my market value.  

I was wrong.

I am apparently, given the state of Version 1, not as unique as I thought. Generic was the term used. This doesn't sit well with me. I am not generic. I am  anything but. If there is one thing my experiences in life has taught me, it would be uniqueness. No one else can exactly talk the way I do or act the way I do. But the person people have come to know, the person I am, wasn't translated to that piece of paper called the curriculum vitae. Version 1 did not adeptly represent me as a candidate to numerous prestigious positions. So thus Version 2 was born and subsequently Version 2.2 and Version 2.3.

The final product: Version 2.4.2

As I was under going this process of subtracting, adding and revising I was filled with self-doubt. In all my four years in the Ateneo I had thought I was building a brand that numerous corporations would die to have and own. I thought I was an eligible candidate, not only to graduate but also to succeed in any field of my choosing. I was worthy. But whenever my resume would be rejected by my proof readers because the words used were too flowery or too generic or too stale, a small crack would form in the wall of self-confidence I've accumulated in the past years. Every comment or highlighted line was like a nail being driven to a cross I felt too heavy to bear. 

The message was: I was not enough. 

However a passage from Paolo Coelho's blog today reassures me that self-doubt is not something to be feared or rejected. It is essential in this journey of life. It is the initial spark to advancement, and not regression depending on how you handle it. I end today, not with the anxiety I felt last night but a joyful blessedness. 

You know why?

I feel a humble triumph in knowing I have a job interview on Monday. All the hard work placed in that CV has paid off thanks to my friends, love and family. The lesson learned here is that pride is a lonely fellow to be had, and doubt is a essential friend in this peripety of life. 

Never cease doubting. When the doubts stop it is because you have stopped journeying.
( Brida )

- Paolo Coelho

Love and Sexuality

I don't know about you but in today's Filipino society sex, albeit getting some publicity, is still taboo in the higher echelons of civilized society. It doesn't mean of course that it doesn't happen, under the table so to speak. FHM sales have prospered over the years and the new arrival of Playboy Philippines was warmly welcomed by many hormonally-charged compatriots. I'm not one to buy my own copy of FHM, but getting my hands on one for the occassional read is not something im adversed to as well. But i'm coming to learn that this very blase reaction to the sexual act is the very reason why we are a lonely society. 

When it comes to sex we treat ourselves as objects and urges that must be satiated. That tingling sensation in the nether regions has to be satisfied, by myself or by someone, or there'll be hell to pay. With Cosmopolitan on the newstands, women today are taught to glorify in the power of their bodies. I say it's about time. However to treat our bodies as objects of desire, as things to be sought after because of the pleasure to be found in them. Well, that's where i set my foot down. 

I've always just thought of my body as a vessel. The only thing that mattered to me about it is the mobility that it afforded to me. What was more important, well in my opinion, is the character the body housed inside. A person may have the perfect 36-24-36 body that I'm craving for but if she were just as shallow, then she'd remain a shell for me. Case in point this new scandal about Tracy Borres rampaging the Filipino networks these days. 

So when it comes to sexuality, relationships for that matter, I have trust issues. It means so much to give of myself not because I'm selfish. But because giving myself means opening my persona, my character, and my being to the possibility of getting hurt. I know it is inevitable. Many things have already been written about the demands of love, or any relationship. And I am not one to add to them. What I share is the fear. I am scared of rejection. I am scared of getting hurt. I am scared of being alone. Perhaps all these just as much as the next person but nonetheless it is a phobia I have. 

A few days ago M. and I had a fight. A fight that was cosmical that it shook, in my opinion, the very foundation of our relationship. There are many things in this world I can endure, but to be told, even for an instant, that the love felt for me is changing is a very traumatic thing. It brings back, in full force, all these kinds of fear. It feels so eminent, that any moment I would expect rejection, pain, panic come knocking on my door to claim me. When I got that text, I paused for a second as if the world stood still and watched as my heart raced on to eternity...as if running away to hide. I told M. as much, when we patched things up. I told him how much it hurt me, and there was a nagging sensation inside that told me that things would never be the same. 

I couldn't trust him. I couldn't believe him. Whenever I heard him say "I love you", I'd answer back in my head, "Yeah I know you do, just not in the same way". How do you build a lasting relationship on this kinds of emotions? How do you go on into the future when in the past there are skeletons too big to hide? I went to school last monday still looking for answers. I did not want to continue in a relationship where I felt threatened in a daily basis.

And as God is the providential all giver, He answered me in his own special way. 

For our Theo151 class we were required to read Chapter 5 of Radcliffe's book. Of course being the procrastinator that I am, I delayed doing so and read it during my Ec141 class. What I read was the exact answers I had been searching for. And the words so pleasantly and wonderfully versed were what lit up my day and allowed me to say with such fervor, "I am no longer afraid".

Allow me to quote...

I do not know the solution but the best starting point for understanding our sexuality is the Last Supper. When Jesus hands over his body to the disciples he is vulnerable. He is in their hands for them to do as they wish. One has already sold him, another will deny him, and most of the rest will run away. The gift of his body discloses that sexuality is insperable from vulnerability. It embodies a tenderness which means that one may well get hurt. It is a self-gift that may be met with rebuff and mockery, and in which one may feel oneself to be used. The Last Supper shows us with extreme realism the perils of giving ourselves to anyone. It is not a romantic tryst in a candelit trattoria. A Christian sexual ethics invites us to embrace that vulnerability, to take the risks involved in self exposure and intimate contact...

Listen to C.S. Lewis.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you wawnt to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heat to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket-- safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations is hell.

Mark Patrick Henderman OSB wrote ' Love is the only impetus that is sufficiently overwhelming to force us to leave the comfortable shelter of our well armed individuality, shed the impregnable shell of self sufficiency and crawl out nakedly into the danger zone beyond, the melting pot where individuality is purified into personhood'. 

The Good Kind

i remember Marcel, and philosophy class, when I talk about hope. I remember how hope, the genuine kind, should not be pinned on any one thing because this invites failure and misery. But as it has been argued, humans are faulty. And as the case I pin hopes on things I am unsure of, on specific people. And when things get tough, when things get dirty, when things get angry, disappointment sets in.

JA shared to me three lines that he says are the ultimate LQ fixers. "I'm sorry, I forgive you, and remember I love you". Simple lines but very very hard to say and actually mean.

I'm sorry.

This entails the lowering of pride. And actually is an admission of guilt and failure. Many people are not capable of this. Many people would rather keep the pride rather than admit defeat. I'm this way sometimes, but I've learned to recognize when the costs are too high and the consequences too big to ignore. I'm perfectly content to win the small fights and lose the war if it means, even for a slight chance, that it would keep the dream alive.

I forgive you.

I am sure that there have been numerous wrongs done to me, just as I have wronged many as well. I may not know all of them. But to say you forgive someone, to actually choose to forget a wrong done to you, takes courage and strength. To be a victim is a heady drug, if you haven't noticed. It is to victims extra pourings of care and joy are given. It is to victims attention is afforded and generosity extended. I can be greed in this area. I hunger for so much more affection because it is so much better to feel loved than to love. But it takes a quiet strength to be able to say no to victimization. To completely forget a past that is haunting, hurting and dark requires selflessness. Sometimes it is an altruism that I do not possess. But hoping to achieve.

I love you.

Three words that require my entire self, my entire mind, my entire being in order for it to be genuine. To love someone is the giving of myself, an infinite responsibility in Levinas' terms. With the words I LOVE YOU, i will belong to you forever. Do you know how much that scares me? To belong to someone else, to be responsible for and to that someone else, seems like a challenge to my freedom. It is like a limitation to my individualism. But to love someone is not a choice sometimes, as is the case with me now. I love because I felt it with a smile, with a touch. It was not a conscious choice. But it is an encounter I do not regret. Hopefully never.

I am sorry for offending you. I am sorry for not understanding. I am sorry for getting angry first before letting you completely explain. I am sorry for my faults. And I forgive you for hurting me. I chose now to forget the way you make me sometimes feel insignificant and gauche. I forgive you because I know that just as I have my shortcomings, you do as well. And I love you despite and inspite of this because you are all this and more. I love you for you have helped me grow and shine. I love you for who you are. I. LOVE. YOU.

Do you want to run away together
I would say it was your best line ever
Too bad I fell for it

And I walked alone
Waiting for you to come along
Take my tortured heart by the hand
And write me off

[Chorus]
Do you know I cry
Do you know I die
Do you know I cry
And it's not the good kind

You forced me to become strong
When I just craved being weak

And you think you know
And I would like to think so
But do you know that when you go
I fall apart

[Chorus]

I'm tired of hiding
Behind these lying eyes
I'm tired of this smile
That even I don't recognize

[Chorus 3x]

Do you know I cry

Grace and Beauty

in a rush to finish my required readings i was cramming them during Ec114 this morning. While reading Chapter 5 of Radcliffe's "What does it mean to be a Christian?" it dawned on me it was talking about the body, our human body.

In the course of his discussion the one thing that resonated so much in me was the topic of grace and beauty. And allow me to quote.

Grace makes us graceful. Eastern Christians sometimes insist that grace can even make us beautiful. This might be a new selling point for Christianity! Grace forms our faces to smile. Dom Enzo Bianchi, Prior of the monastery of Bose, wrote that ' Personally I am convinced that the spiritual life has a deep effect on the physical appearance of a person, on their face. The Greek tradition talks of spiritually mature monks as the kalogeroi, the beautiful old men. Yes the dimension of beauty is part of the synergy between grace and nature.'

So the notion of true beauty not being skin deep is true. Glorious, shining, awe-inspiring beauty resides in only those who are comfortable in accepting grace. The kind of beauty used to describe Helen of Troy, is not the stuff of legends. It is possible in the real life only through an effective synergy between our ability to love God and ourselves. 

The next time I chance upon a cover of Vogue or Seventeen, and wonder why my body isn't as perfect as Giselle Budchen or Heidi Klum, I will stop my thoughts in their tracks and remind myself that this is not a gracious acceptance of God's love. He made me as I am, with whatever faults I think my body or self has. But in his eyes I am glorious. In his eyes I am awe-inspiring. In his eyes i am beautiful. In his eyes I am far better than Helen of Troy, and could even perhaps launch a million more ships than she has. In his eyes, the simplicity and limited-ness I see in myself withers away to reveal a treasure that is far more important than anyone could imagine. 

I am beautiful. What a message for me today.

It's All Coming Back to Me Now

the first time i hear Marion Raven sing what when she was still part of the pop group M2M in the early 90's. Her songs include "Mirror Mirro" and "Pretty Boy". I fell in love with her voice then, the way it was so fluid and cool. It seemed so effortless for her to raise her voice to such high notes when it took me soo much effort and practice to falsetto the notes she was singing. Unfortunately her tandem of M2M disbanded early 2000's and we haven't heard her sing since then.

that was until i browsed through MTV in 2007 and she was in a duet with Meat Loaf, singing one of my favorite Celine Dion songs. "It's All Coming Back to Me Now". Her voice has matured since then, it's no longer so high and screech-y but has more depth now. It still has retained the fluidity making it a realy heart stopping effect. Hearing her sing reminded me of my childhood, as so much has done these past few days. I am yet to download Hanson and their Mmmbop, plus the Moffats. I dont know where this drive to build up my 90's soundtrack. Perhaps because I really don't get to talk to my sister about this. This was before her time. And it's something I have in common with M.. 

A little while ago, in the car, my mom asked me what do i actually have to talk about with M., what could we possibly have in common if by terms of age we are eons apart. I told her, amazingly we do have  a lot to talk about. I have always found it easier to relate with older people, as proof of this a lot of my friends are older than me. Ate Kathy, eric, vic, gelo, pep, ate tish, ate tin are just a few names to mention. I just seem more comfortable in an atmosphere where i can converse intellectually. being with people my age makes me sometimes feel so gauche and inapporpriate. when i am with those who are relatively more advanced in years, if not in spirit, i feel more at home, more at ease. M. and I talk about a lot of things. I wouldn't be in this relationship if we had nothing in common. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why I'm so happy now. I found it so hard to relate with past loves because they were younger than me and were interested in things that i found trivial like computer games or basketball. They didnt seem to feed a further purpose to me unlike businesses or work does. They didn't seem fruitful and more importantly they felt childish. That is not to say I don't have an inner child myself. With my older friends I seem childish to them, childlike perhaps. someone they could mold or corrupt whatever the case may be. I was and am someone they mother or father. Someone they care for, and I hunger for that kind of attention. Most often I am the care giver and I know all too well the demands of such a positions asks. It is an especially unfulfilling one when the love you give is not reciprocated. 

Perhaps what I am trying to say is, remeniscing about my childhood offers me a glimspe of what I was like. Makes me see my mistakes, my triumphs. And at a dawn of a new year, a year that is going to alter what I know is reality for me now, it's time to make some changes. Graduation seems to be just around the corner. For the first time in 15 years I wont be enrolling in June, I wont have to wake up early for classes nor will I be even going to a school. Things are going to seem so different now, and growing up is the only way to go. 

[Boy:] There were nights when the wind was so cold 

That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window 

[Girl:] There were days when the sun was so cruel 

That all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever 

[Both:] 

I finished crying in the instant that you left 

And I can't remember where or when or how 

And I banished every memory you and I have ever made 

[Boy:] 

But when you touch me like this (touch me like this) 

And you hold me like that (hold me like that) 

I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me 

When I touch you like this (touch you like this) 

And I hold you like that (hold you like that) 

It's so hard to believe but it's all coming back to me now 

[Girl:] 

It's all coming back 

It's all coming back to me now 

[Boy:] 

There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light 

There were things I'd never do again but then they'd always seemed right 

There were nights of endless pleasure 

It was more than any laws allow-baby, baby! 

If I kiss you like this (kiss you like this) 

And if you whisper like that (whisper like that) 

It was lost long ago but it's all coming back to me 

If you want me like this (if you want me like this) 

And if you need me like that (if you need me like that) 

It was dead long ago but it's all coming back to me 

It's so hard to resist and it's all coming back to me 

I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now.... 

But you were history with the slamming of the door 

And I made myself so strong again somehow 

And I never wasted any of my time on you since then! 

But if I touch you like this (touch you like this) 

And if you kiss me like that (kiss me like that) 

It was so long ago but it's all coming back to me 

If you touch me like this (touch me like this) 

And if I kiss you like that (kiss you like that) 

It was gone with the wind but it's all coming back to me now 

[Girl:] 

It's all coming back 

It's all coming back to me now 

[Boy:] 

There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light 

There were things we'd never do again but they'd always seemed right 

There were nights of endless pleasure 

It was more than all your laws allow-baby, baby, baby! 

When you touch me like this (touch me like this) 

And when you hold me like that (hold me like that) 

It was gone with the wind but it's all coming back to me 

When you see me like this (see me like this) 

And when I see you like that (see you like that) 

Then we see what we want to see-all coming back to me 

The flesh and the fantasies-all coming back to me 

I can barley recall, but it's all coming back to me now.... 

If you forgive me all this (forgive me all this) 

If I forgive you all that (forgive you all that) 

We forgive and forget and it's all coming back to me now 

[Girl:] It's all coming back to me now 

[Boy:] We forgive and forget 

[Both:] And it's all comïng back to me now....

A Whole New World

i remember that M. sang this to me after we scaled Lignon Hill with my cousin. We were at the vantage point and we can see the vast Legazpi before us with it's flickering lights. I found it so sweet, even if we didnt have our own magic carpet, it was romantic in it's own right. 

(Aladdin) I can show you the world 
Shining, shimmering, splendid 
Tell me princess, now when did you last 
Let your heart decide 

I can open your eyes 
Take you wonder by wonder 
Over sideways and under 
On a magic carpet ride 

A whole new world 
A new fantastic point of view 
No one to tell us no 
or where to go 
Or say where only dreaming 

(Jasmine) A whole new world 
A dazzling place i never knew 
But when I'm way up here 
It's crystal clear 
That now I'm in a whole new world 
With you 

(Aladdin) Now I'm in a whole new world with you 

(Jasmine) Unbelievable sights 
Indescribable feeling 
Soaring, tumbling, free-wheeling 
Through an endless diamond sky 
A whole new world 
(Aladdin) Don't you dare close your eyes 
A hundred thousand things to see 
(Aladdin) Hold your breath it gets better 
I'm like a shooting star 
I've come so far 
I can't go back to where I used to be 
(Aladdin) A whole new world 
Every turn a surprise 
With new horizons to pursue 
Every moment red letter 
(Together) I'll chase them everywhere 
There's time to spare 
Let me share this 
Whole new world with you 
(Aladdin)A whole new world 
(Jasmine)A whole new world 
(Aladdin)That's where we'll be 
(Jasmine)That's where we'll be 
(Aladdin)A thrilling chase 
(Jasmine)A wondrous place 
(Together)For you and me 

Young girl don't cry

still on my music hype i chanced upon the all time favorites of my younger years. and i reached Christina Aguilera. I don't really adore her, as much as I do some artists, but once in a while her songs are quite evocative. This is one of them, "The Voice Within", because I remember hearing this at a very akward stage in my life. I was entering teen-dom, having just turned 13 and I didn't know what to do with a lot of things. I remember being teased a lot for my weight by my barkada before simply because they were all stick thin girls. Or being crticized for my cultural background, for being all conyo and english speaking in a predominantly tagalog using batch. 

I wouldn't say I had a very colorful teenage past. It was interesting most of the time with all the things that I've experienced. I lost the baby fat when I got into second year high school after experiencing bouts after bouts of sickness. And the english speaking background came in handy by the time junior year rolled in. It made me feel comfortable conversing with boys from Ateneo or Southridge. There are some things I regret like not staying in  Woodrose and keeping in touch with my friends there. Or not integrating myself more with the Pioneers so as to have a more memory filled high school. But the past remains there, and regrets are just opportunities not taken. 

This song will always remind me that despite what others say, when things I do is not considered normal, there will always be the one friend I have, myself.

Young girl don't cry

I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

Young girl it's alright

Your tears will dry you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream

Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems

No one ever wants or bothers to explain

Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

Chorus:

When there's no one else,

Look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend 

Just trust the voice within

Then you'll find the strength 

That will guide your way

You'll learn to begin 

To trust the voice within

Young girl don't hide 

You'll never change if you just run away

Young girl just hold tight

Soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed

It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid

No one reaches out a hand for you to hold

When you look outside look inside to your soul

Chorus

Life is a journey

It can take you anywhere you choose to go

As long as you're learning

You'll find all you'll need to know

(Be strong)

You'll break it

(Hold on)

You'll make it

Just don't forsake it because

No one can tell you what you can't do

No one can stop you

You know that I'm talking to you

Chorus

Young girl don't cry

I'll be right here when your world starts to fall