The Good Kind

i remember Marcel, and philosophy class, when I talk about hope. I remember how hope, the genuine kind, should not be pinned on any one thing because this invites failure and misery. But as it has been argued, humans are faulty. And as the case I pin hopes on things I am unsure of, on specific people. And when things get tough, when things get dirty, when things get angry, disappointment sets in.

JA shared to me three lines that he says are the ultimate LQ fixers. "I'm sorry, I forgive you, and remember I love you". Simple lines but very very hard to say and actually mean.

I'm sorry.

This entails the lowering of pride. And actually is an admission of guilt and failure. Many people are not capable of this. Many people would rather keep the pride rather than admit defeat. I'm this way sometimes, but I've learned to recognize when the costs are too high and the consequences too big to ignore. I'm perfectly content to win the small fights and lose the war if it means, even for a slight chance, that it would keep the dream alive.

I forgive you.

I am sure that there have been numerous wrongs done to me, just as I have wronged many as well. I may not know all of them. But to say you forgive someone, to actually choose to forget a wrong done to you, takes courage and strength. To be a victim is a heady drug, if you haven't noticed. It is to victims extra pourings of care and joy are given. It is to victims attention is afforded and generosity extended. I can be greed in this area. I hunger for so much more affection because it is so much better to feel loved than to love. But it takes a quiet strength to be able to say no to victimization. To completely forget a past that is haunting, hurting and dark requires selflessness. Sometimes it is an altruism that I do not possess. But hoping to achieve.

I love you.

Three words that require my entire self, my entire mind, my entire being in order for it to be genuine. To love someone is the giving of myself, an infinite responsibility in Levinas' terms. With the words I LOVE YOU, i will belong to you forever. Do you know how much that scares me? To belong to someone else, to be responsible for and to that someone else, seems like a challenge to my freedom. It is like a limitation to my individualism. But to love someone is not a choice sometimes, as is the case with me now. I love because I felt it with a smile, with a touch. It was not a conscious choice. But it is an encounter I do not regret. Hopefully never.

I am sorry for offending you. I am sorry for not understanding. I am sorry for getting angry first before letting you completely explain. I am sorry for my faults. And I forgive you for hurting me. I chose now to forget the way you make me sometimes feel insignificant and gauche. I forgive you because I know that just as I have my shortcomings, you do as well. And I love you despite and inspite of this because you are all this and more. I love you for you have helped me grow and shine. I love you for who you are. I. LOVE. YOU.

Do you want to run away together
I would say it was your best line ever
Too bad I fell for it

And I walked alone
Waiting for you to come along
Take my tortured heart by the hand
And write me off

[Chorus]
Do you know I cry
Do you know I die
Do you know I cry
And it's not the good kind

You forced me to become strong
When I just craved being weak

And you think you know
And I would like to think so
But do you know that when you go
I fall apart

[Chorus]

I'm tired of hiding
Behind these lying eyes
I'm tired of this smile
That even I don't recognize

[Chorus 3x]

Do you know I cry