I shouldn't have wasted those days

i thought i was the only one doing my own reminiscing. apparently a lot of my friends are doing their own contemplation too. reminds me of this song playing from the movie starring Britanny Murphey and Dakota Fanning. the title escapes me at the moment but the song doesnt.

Time

Time, where did you go? 

Why did you leave me here alone?

Wait, don't go so fast

I'm missing the moments as they pass

Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer

So wait for me this time 

I'm down I'm down on my knees I'm begging for all your sympathy

But you (I'm just an illusion) you don't seem to care (I wish that I could)

You humble people everywhere (I don't mean to hurt you)

Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer

I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning

So wait for me this time

I should've know better

I shouldn't have wasted those days

And afternoons and mornings

I threw them all away

Now this is my time

I'm going to make this moment mine.

(I shouldn't have wasted those days)

I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning

I've looked in the mirror

My world's getting clearer

So wait for me this time

I am allergic to people

ill plug it down to hormones. ill blame it on the fact that i've gotten my period. but i'm angry.

i spent the early part of today trying to control this urge to just scream. i'd purposely distance myself from family because i know if my presence is felt it means that i'd have to do something. utusan. is this a selfish way to act? i just needed to get away. to have a quiet place. to find my center. i didnt exactly get the best sleep last night because of the culmination of a fight. sometimes, i guess it happens, that the people you love the most are those who irritate you the most as well.

i remember when my tita arrived from the states. she was a doctor and very much interested with oriental forms of medicine. she believed in the healing powers of chi kung [ i dont know if i spelled that right] which is the proper use of your internal energy to heal. my mom was the best candidate for that, she being a medium and all. but the interesting thing is you can actually be ALLERGIC to a person. allergic in the sense that when you are in interaction with this person you feel that it's an abrasive encounter. you feel aggitated and ill at ease. i remember she'd diagnose this by asking us to hold the "allergen"'s hand and having us lift our other hand. then every so often she'd push down on the raised hand and say "resist". call it coincidence but no matter how HARD you resist she'd be able to push your hand down. my tita was diminutive in size, petite if you could say that. but even my own dad was no match to her pushing skills. and he tried. 

i think that is what i am at the moment. i am allergic. to my family and at times at M. as well. i'd like to lock myself up or just cloister myself in solitude because being in constant relation with them just gets on my nerves. i am no longer comfortable. like a kettle on a boil..i could just whistle and blow. would you put any stock on this? this allergic to a person theory? i think the practical people wouldnt. M. being one of them. but i do put SOME stock into this. not entirely believing it but i do think that it is plausible to be "allergic" to a person. usually the rule of proximity can work both ways. positive and negative. proximity makes you realize a person more. makes you enraptured by their personality and good traits. unfortunately being too much in contact can also get you sick of them. 

of course this isnt a permanent thing. this is temporary. you can't have too much of a good thing. nor can you always gravitate towards the negative. i just feel that my personal space, my personal decisions, my personal freedom, has been intruded upon too often for comfort. i just need to be able to feel that i still am the master of my fate and the captain of my sould [INVICTUS]. to be able to determine my own destiny and not have people tell me what or who i should be, what choices i should make, what actions i should do. i just need to be me. even for a few moments in the day.

Travelling down the broken road

to borrow a few words from Rascal Flatts. i believe the road we travel on, however way we want it or wherever it leads, is a broken one trodden on by those before us. their mistakes are etched on the cracked concrete, their scraped skin on the burning asphalt. 

the road i'm travelling on has marked itself on me, just as i have left traces of myself for people to see. i have scratches here, bruises there. i took another fall last night. despite my innocence mistakes are inevitable. i see the road signs. the directionals. i wonder why i  still take a wrong turn. 

today i am reminded, before i begin my day, that the hills and mountains before me that stretch unto eternity are the trepidations i must face. the climb, though ardorous, is worth the scenery you see when you get there. it just would've been nice to have someone else take the fall with me, to have a companion in the long stretch ahead.

For future reference

I'm starting a jog/walk log. 

5k in 38.46minutes.

A grieving father

my tito got home today. after a very long trip. despite outward appearances he doesn't have the normal family life. he's been separated from his wife for about 5 years now. just the same, given the nature of his job, he's away from his kids a lot of the time. my three cousins reside with my grandfather in the province making it a very challenging family set up. 

he heard news today. about their grades.

not so good. 

he stormed out. upset. been gone for 20 minutes now. 

i dont know much about how it is to raise children. me being a child still. but i know what its like to be disappointed and to feel like a failure. i've had my set of falls and to doubt my self-worth. what must it be like for my tito. being away from his children, months at a time. not being able to be a true father. whenever he goes home to see his children i'm sure there are creeping doubts in there.

am i being a good father?

will my kids still love me?

how do i show my children that i love them?

what can i do to ease the pain of separation?

just the same. 

am i being a good daughter?

will my parents still be proud of me?

how do i show those i love that i love them?

what can i do to ease their pain?

life's lessons aren't plain black and white. there are shades of grey in between. true lessons aren't the kind that are taught in a classroom setting with God as the professor. nor are there in true manuals or formulas to get a sure pass. experience teaches us by immersion. you learn by doing. you learn by falling. you learn by getting hurt and being loved once more.

The Witch

we're having a bit of spring cleaning here at home. with the new repairs done at the moment we're creating shelving space. the brown and empty book shelves prompted my dad to have an impromptu cleaning brigade that included the entire family. so right after getting home from school i was enlisted to throw away the numers magazines found. this is where i found a copy of "The Witch of Portabello".

i didnt even know we had a copy, i was about to buy myself one. my copy is hard bound and looks untouched. with my recent success with Paolo Coelho i can't wait to have my trusty Faber Castel highlighter with me and wait as his written word remind me of myself. already i've resounded with two lines, in just the first chapter. i can't wait to really sit down with it and munch up all the glorious tidbits of knowledge it holds. 

i never really liked THE ALCHEMIST, finding it too blase and roundabout. so during the fad for Coelho's books i decided to stick to my favorite authors instead. Imagine my surprise when I read By the River Piedra I Sat and Wept. 4 years after reading the Alchemist. there really must be perfect timing to this. If you do get to read through his personal blog the inspiring things that you find in his books take a more refreshing and religious view. which is perfect for the kind of voracious reading i am hungering for. 

i have to leave for mass soon but when i get home, after a one hour run, i'll want to sit down and really take Coelho's words in. 

Rent

i'm beginning to reminisce with RENT at the moment. i remember when i first watched the movie version two years back in ate kathy's house. we were all huddled up in her sofa bed with the air con blasting and the movie playing. before i even got to watch the movie i distinctly remember how ate kathy would rave about it, gian would play along with the enthusiasm. 

i remember watching it sitting beside C and how there were butterflies in my stomach. i also remember crying when Angel died. I especially loved the songs in the broadway thinking that they echoed so much my own worries and dreams. that was a very life changing summer. in more ways than one. i remember how that summer forged relationships for a lifetime, between ate kathy and me, and taught lessons i would never forget. 

walking down memory lane this movie was where ONE WAY was paterned after. how Tony's character was Roger. how "Franco's Prayer" sounded like "Will I Lose My Dignity". We all did a lot of growing up that summer, as did the characters of this movie. We all did soul searching often getting burned first before truly healing. I remember how the favorite phrase was "...are we all on the same page...?" because things were going wrong before we saw that it was the almighty at work. 

I grew up that summer. not because it was the summer i turned eighteen. or the first summer that didnt happen traditionally. those two months were the most trying for me, balancing early summer classes with late night practices. my parents and i would disagree. and they'd even threaten to pull me out despite all the hard work i've already logged in. there was so much drama involved. those witness to it could attest to how much hormones got involved. that summer was the first summer i didnt go home to Legazpi for holy week in a long time. i spent it travelling back and forth from Ateneo to wherever practice was. i was physically, emotionally and spiritually dried up. i changed a lot because of those two months. moving in closer to opening day i felt a sense of achievement and trepidation. Ivan had just left for the states, there were still many hurt feelings among the youth and not everything was perfect.

but that was a glorious presentation. i haven't seen the copy made by Ton yet but based on all the ravings and the fun i experienced i can say it was amazing. and every year, on May 27 we remember the fun. :)

let me share a song i remember crying with...entitled WITHOUT YOU...

MIMI

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.

Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.

The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.

The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.

Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.

Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.

The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.

The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

ROGER

The world revives�

MIMI

Colors renew�

BOTH

But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.

MIMI

Without you.

Without you, the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

ROGER

Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.

ROGER

The mind churns!

MIMI

The mind churns!

ROGER

The heart yearns!

MIMI

The heart yearns!

BOTH

The tears dry, without you.

Life goes on, but Im gone.

Cause I die, without you.

MIMI

Without you.

ROGER

Without you.

BOTH

Without you.

Exercise

i went for another run today inspired by my recent success with it and the stories of friends along the way. i've really been bitten by the health bug it seems. 

today wasn't one of my greatest runs. despite feeling underneath the weather i finished 4k in 30 minutes. i could've pushed the last kilometer but my body is no longer at par with what it used to do. my greatest success is 5k in 38minutes. how long will it take for me to get back to that, i really don't know but i hope soon. 

today was the first time i ran without any songs to accompany me. running alone usually feels lonely and it helps if i have someone else's voice crooning in my ears to drone out the sound of silence. but i read as one of the 100 running tips, check previous blog, that it might be nice to hear yourself run. i didnt put much stock into this considering i never found anything wonderful or awe-inspiring with the sound of rubber shoes hitting asphalt. but oddly, it was comforting to hear my own treading. the pace i was running at and the pitter patter of the rubber as it hit the dark concrete reminded me that each sound was a successful battle against the anti exercise voice in my ear. one step at a time, one laborious breath at a time and it made the whole thing worthwhile. i kept telling myself, "i'm going to get an ass and killer legs because of this!!". 

what a mantra right? at least it keeps me going. 

i'm far from being at the pinnacle of my physical stamina. but M. has always reminded me if i keep to it i'll get there someday. i'm actually looking forward to the ATENEO AQUATHLON in FEBRUARY 09. Jonas, a friend of mine who will be organizing it, says it would probably be in the later part of the month. that for us seniors would mean right before or after final exams. i've always been a great juggler of schedules and by hook or by crook i will join. slow and steady has won the race, as Aesop's fables remind me. my pace is slow in comparison to the standards of other people i know but i'm getting there. i never thought i'd see this coming you know? never thought i'd actually ENJOY this. but a change from the interior does gravitate to a change in the exterior. 

i will have an ass and killer legs! I WILL!!

Running

Getting into the excercise hype i was browsing through the internet for proper running tips and chanced upon this site. i really am a beginner at this. only having truly started getting in shape after a 4 year hiatus. 

so here are 100 ways i'm sure not to screw up.. :) check it out for yourself at http://completerunning.com/archives/2006/09/12/100-beginner-running-tips/

Welcome to the Complete Running Network 100 Beginner Running Tips. This first top 100 post is the CRN teams first group writing project — everyone chipped in to come up with the list. We hope you like it and that it becomes a place you refer to often. Do you have tips that should be on this list? Feel free to comment below!

Apparel Tips

1. Wear spandex shorts under your regular running shorts so you don’t chafe “down there.”
2. Cotton socks will only lead to blisters; invest in socks designed for running.
3. Ladies, do not skimp on a bra. Even if it costs more than your shoes it’s still a bargain.
4. Buy running clothes you look good in and that will motivate you to run.
5. Buy new running clothes at the end of the season when stores dump the old season’s line. Think clearance!

Community

6. Join your local running club—check with your local running store fitness center and/or recreation department to find one.
7. Volunteer at a local race—meet runners support runners and connect with your Community.

Manners

8. Remember to say “Thank You!” to race volunteers (e.g. when you get that cup of water at the aid station) and family and friends who support you.
9. Conscientiously share the trail with walkers, bikers and other runners.
10. Always try to balance running with the people you love by making a schedule that involves and is considerate of everyone.
11. Don’t carry loose change. It will annoy those who are running with you.
12. Don’t neglect and irritate your family and friends by spending all your time running and talking about running.

Motivation Tips

13. Sign up for a race as soon as you feel up to it.
14. Find a committed running partner. It is much harder to skip a run when you have someone else depending on you.
15. Remember that you will have plateaus in your progress and tough days along the way.
16. It gets easier.
17. Accept and appreciate the fact that not every single run can be a good one.
18. Be prepared to remove the words “can’t” and “never” from your vocabulary.
19. “Do not compare yourself to others. Run within yourself and for yourself first.
20. Don’t expect every run to be better than the last one; some of them will hurt.
21. Don’t think too much about it or you won’t do it.
22. Even a bad run is better then no run at all.
23. If you normally run with music try skipping it and listening to your feet to hear your pace and your gait.
24. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t experience weight loss immediately.
25. Start a running blog and read other running blogs regularly.
26. Running is not an excuse to triple your intake of doughnuts because runners gain weight too.

Nutrition Tips

27. Buy the powdered sports drink mix instead of premixed. It’s cheaper and more similar to race drink mixes.
28. Each pound you lose makes running a little easier.
29. Hydrate. Make it a habit to drink water throughout the day.
30. If you are running very long distance drink enough electrolytes (e.g. Gatorade).
31. On long runs eat something every hour—whether you feel like it or not.
32. During longer runs if you don’t like to carry water take some cash in your pocket pouch or a shoe wallet. Run a route where there’s a corner store that you can use as a pit stop to pick up your water and maybe use the bathroom.
33. Avoid eating spicy foods before running and the night before your long runs.
34. To aid recovery the most crucial time to eat and drink is in the hour immediately after you run.

Prevention Tips

35. Use Vaseline or BodyGlide wherever things rub. They will help prevent blisters and chafing (guys don’t forget the nipples).
36. Do not increase your mileage more than 10 percent per week.
37. Guys: Band-Aids before the long runs. Your nipples will thank you in the shower afterwards.
38. Log your mileage for your legs and your Shoes. Too much on either will cause you injury.
39. If you are prone to shin splints and lower leg pain try running soft trails for your Training runs and save the asphalt for race day.
40. Do not run two hard days back-to-back.
41. Ice aches and pains immediately.
42. Pay attention to your form. Try to run lightly to minimize impact that could lead to injury.
43. Cut your Training by at least 30 percent to 50 percent every 4th or 5th week for recovery.
44. When trail running don’t forget the bug spray.
45. Neosporin (or another antibiotic cream) is good for chafed areas (if you didn’t use your BodyGlide!).
46. Make sure you cut your toenails short enough so they don’t jam into your Shoes!
47. Put some BodyGlide between your toes on long runs.
48. Be careful about running on paths that force you to run consistently on a slant. It’s hard on the hips knees and IT bands.
49. Don’t stretch before a run. Warm up by walking briskly or jogging slowly for several minutes.
50. Do not ice for more than 20 minutes at a time.
51. Do not use the hot tub after a race. It will increase inflammation and hinder healing.
52. Frozen peas make a great ice pack for aches and pains. A thin t-towel wrapped around them makes the cold more comfortable.

Racing Tips

53. Race day is not the day to try new shoes, eat new foods, or wear brand new clothing.
54. Do not try a marathon as your first race.
55. For races longer than 5k start out slower than you think you should.
56. If you conserve your energy during the first half of a race, you can finish strong.
57. When you pick up drinking cups at aid stations, squeeze gently so it folds slightly and is easier to drink from it while you are moving.
58. A plastic garbage on race day is a very fashionable cheap disposable raincoat.

Safety Tips

59. Be aware of cyclists approaching you from behind and try to keep to the right. Try to pay special attention when running with music.
60. Run facing traffic.
61. Never assume a car sees you.
62. Give horses wide berths on trails and walk as you pass them unless you enjoy a hoof to the melon.
63. Always carry I.D. because you just never know.

Shoe Tips

64. Try shoes on in the afternoon when your feet are bigger.
65. Doubleknot your shoe laces so they will not come undone when you run.
66. Buy yourself some actual running shoes from an actual running store because running in junk “sneakers” will destroy your feet and your legs.
67. Get assessed for the right kind of running shoes.

Training Tips

68. In the immortal words of Walt Stack famed senior-citizen distance runner “Start slow … and taper.”
69. At first keep your runs short and slow to avoid injury and soreness so you do not quit.
70. If you are breathing too hard slow down or walk a bit until you feel comfortable again.
71. Pick your route close to home (out your front door)—the more convenient it is the better chance you will have sticking with it.
72. Find a beginner training plan for your first race.
73. Set realistic short term and long term goals.
74. Keep a training diary.
75. Soreness one to two days after a run is normal (delayed onset muscle soreness).
76. No amount of money spent on gadget training programs or funny food can substitute for minutes, hours, days and weeks on the road.
77. There’s no shame in walking.
78. Subscribe to a running magazine or pick up a book or two on running.
79. Four laps around the local the high school track equals one mile.
80. Lift weights.
81. It’s okay to take walk breaks (run 1 minute walk 1 minute then progress to run 10 minutes walk 1 minute etc.).
82. Vary your training routes. This will prevent boredom and prevent your body from getting acclimated.
83. Speed work doesn’t have to be scientific. Try racing to one light post and then jogging to the next.
84. Push through rough spots by focusing on the sounds of your breath and feet touching the ground.
85. Do speedwork after you develop an endurance base.
86. Practice running harder in the last half of your runs.
87. Do abdominal breathing to get rid of side cramps or “stitches.”
88. If you can’t find the time to run, take your running gear to work.
89. Run on trails if at all possible. It will be easier on your body and you’ll love it.
90. Build rest into your schedule. Rest is just as important of an element as exercise in your fitness plan.
91. Forgive yourself. Over-ambitious goals usually lead to frustration and giving up on your fitness plan. If you miss a goal or milestone let it go and focus on the next opportunity to get it.
92. Mix-up your training plan. Make sure your training plan is not too heavily focused on one thing. No matter what level of runner you are your training plan should include four essential elements: endurance speed rest cross-training.

Weather Tips

93. Dress as if it is 10 degrees warmer than the temperature on the thermometer.
94. Wear sunscreen and a hat when the sun is beating down—even in winter.
95. Run early in the morning or later in evening to avoid mid-day heat.
96. Pick up a pair of Yaktrax  when running in icey conditions.
97. In the winter dress in layers (coolmax or other technical clothing) and wear a headband over your running hat to cover your ears.
98. For colder climates invest in socks rated to 40 below (usually found in sport/ski shops).
99. To keep cool in hot weather soak a bandana in cold water wring it out a bit and tie it loosely around your neck.
100. For hot weather fill your water bottle about half way lay it at an angle in the freezer and just before you head out for your run top it off with more water.

the contentment of the night

i'm supposed to be reading. i'm supposed to be sleeping. i'm supposed to be resting. but at the moment i want to relish in the few uninterrupted moments i have for myself. M. keeps telling me, actually chastising me, about how i dont take enough time to rest-- to take a breather. sometimes i forget that in the multitude of thing that need my attention my body too warrants care from me. 

it's cold outside. the winds are howling and i feel the leaves crash against one another. the turbulence is, oddly, comforting. i've gotten used to being alone lately. to being comfortable with only myself. and the tress rustling remind me of this solidarity. to be immersed with people, all the time, is what i have always been. gregarious most of the day, to be in front of an audience is a heady drug i've been addicted to. so much so i cant do without company. but detaching myself from this, is a learning process. to spend time to my writing, my thoughts, my work-- individualistic as it is-- is a very realization filled time. 

i don't know how it is but i notice touch more. the way a hand holds mine, or the way someone's shoulder accidentally grazes me. perhaps i'm so hungry for a physical connection that anything would do. whenever i see my close friends there is a sudden desire to just be held. the comfort of touch is a steady need. despite what i said earlier, about being comfortably alone, i just realized a while ago while manning the booth of how deprived i am of touch. my parents aren't really affectionate people. so i grew up not being immensely able to display naturally my affections. but in the course of age i needed an outlet for my desire to feel. i guess it was a blessing to be sent to an all girl's school and to be among people who were similar to me, hugs and besos were a common occurrence. but to be transported in a college, a co educational one at that, is a culture shock. i could say that there are only a few people in my life i am truly an open book despite being very transparent by nature. but these numbers are dwindling..because of circumstance.

my thoughts are rambling. as they have the entire day.

i am at the moment preparing something. this giving yourself is a risk. i'm browsing through the things that are descriptions of myself and i find it hard to pick just a select few to part with. as i look at the remnants of memories and the emotions they evoke i am reminded of how simple i am. sometimes self-doubt creeps in and i wonder once more if it is enough. someone close to me doesnt understand the importance i place in reflection. he thinks of it as a nuisance, something that is overly exaggerated and lacking proper action. writing has always been a means of escape. it is unadulterated. unfiltered. i don't rehearse inside me what i must say, but instead say what just is. my thoughts are what is written and ultimately read. and what is read doesn't necessarily need a conclusion. i am quite content to leave them hanging in the air as they are. to be shoved out of the recesses of my brain. they all aren't for further synthesis. just thoughts, jumbled and raw. 

i find it hard to talk to you sometimes. this breech that seems conquerable most of the time elongates to the impassable. there are occasions when we are unyielding, unbending, and it makes me wonder how far can we be formidable before we break. step by step. i dont know if you've noticed but i am a proud person. i dont normally like being told what to do. i dont like being pushed into a predestined plan. i dont like being chastised. but i recognize this fault that is why i allow you to do these things no one would get away with. be careful though. pushing too much is a concern.

a lesson on love

quoted from Paolo Coelho's blog..

What’s love for you ?

There’s a motto in Alchemy: “Concentrate and dissolve”. As you may know alchemists would, through laboratory studies, try to distill the mercury from the sulfur and then refine the mercury until it converted into gold. This quest would lead them to the Philosopher Stone (which was the solid component) and the Long Life Elixir. All the process of distilling is based on this very simple motto: concentrate – meaning extracting the essence – and dissolve – meaning mixing the essence with something else.
Many disregard that through this routine, alchemists were also training their patience and thus transforming their perception of the world.

I think you can apply this same motto to love: in order to preserve love’s freedom, one has to be able at the same time to dive into its essence and to share it others.

__________________________________
i often find it challenging this love game. even my mom worded it aptly...i find it hard to let people truly in but when i do i pour out all affection. she described me this way perhaps growing up i was the kind of kid who didn't readily join the other kids but when i did there was no stopping me. i am that way still. the act of restraint only happens in the beginning, setting certain limitations for the way i display affection but when i begin to do so there is no stopping me. most of the time it is an innocent overflow of the care and comfort i feel for a person. misinterpreted too, to be more than what is meant. i've often been labeled "malandi" by many, an adjective that cuts to the bone. i guess in this world where stoicism and apathy have gained the upper hand it is a breath of fresh air for people to feel a hug or a pat on the back. often times, people have been so desensitized to an open and public display for internal emotions that they dont know how to react.

plunging inside the unknown and often turbulent waters of love is a leap of faith...an act of courage. and the ability to share this kind of courage with others is an extension of this bravery. i think the quest of this human race is to search for the river of love. some have been able to find it, true love that is, and have been able to channel it into a productive and relational phenomena. Mother Theresa. Pope John Paul II. Princess Diana. but most of us humans can't. the true purpose of being human is to be able to relate with the other, to be relational creatures, but our contemporary daily lives have constituted an individualistic way of living. the him, her, it has been translated to I, me, myself. this 180 degree turn has contributed, in my opinion, to the increase of violence. i thank Paolo Coelho for reminding me, today, of the power of love and its ability to transform.

Fall For You

speaking through someone else's words...

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting

Could it be that we have been this way before?

I know you don't think that I am trying

I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

You always thought that I was stronger

I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start

Ohh, but hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

It's impossible

So breathe in so deep

Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep

And hold on to your words 'cause talk is cheap

And remember me tonight when you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night

That I will fall for you over again

Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day

I swear it's true

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

You're impossible to find

by Secondhand Serenade

Roundabout

tell me when you see it. when efforts are enough. tell me how many times i'd have to say the words. how often id have to utter them. 

don't you see, this is a repeat of a sick cycle carousel. 

If shame had a face, I think it would kind of look like me. 

If it had a home, would it be in my eyes? 

Would you believe me if I said I am tired of this 

Well here we go, now one more time, 

I tried to climb your steps, 

I tried to chase you down, 

I tried to see how low I could get to down to the ground, 

I tried to earn my way, 

I tried to change this mind, 

You better believe that I tried to beat this. 

When will this end, it goes on and on 

Over, and over, and over again. 

Keep spinning around I know it won't stop, 

Till I step down from this for good 

I never thought I'd end up here 

I never thought I'd be standing where I am 

I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this, 

I guess I was wrong 

Now one more time 

chorus 

This is a sick cycle carousel 

This is a sick cycle carousel, yeah 

** Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse

I will Awake the Dawn

Rarely has a theology text inspired me so much as Timothy Radcliffe's book has. I did not believe Dr. Clamor when she said that this book would be a companion for life considering things being taught to me at school seemed intermediate in comparisson to what I have already experienced in St. James. 

But this book is really inspiring, especially to the budding faith artists that most of us have started to become. I suggest, if you have the time and the thirst to learn, to get your own copy of "What is the Point of Being Christian" by Timothy Radcliffe, OP and at the end of the last chapter get to answer this reflective question yourself. I dedicated my own copy with the words "...to express faith as a means of hope and a product of love...". the gift of faith, just as a regular gift, must be given first in order to be realized. and i am thankful that at such a young age i have been given this grace to believe inspite and despite the uncertainty of tomorrow. 

allow me then to share my own reflections about passages that mirror who i have become...

0.1 " To be a witness does not consist in engaging in propaganda nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. It means to live in such a way that one's life would make no sense if God did not exist" -- Cardinal Suhar, Archbishop of Paris

i think with the charismatic environment in SJRM we tend to forget that there still is a God when all the high has faded away. our staying power is proportional to the amoung of visual miracles we get to experience. our attendance is seasonal because of this. for some a definition of a sucessful LSS is when you are able to speak in tongues or when your hands shake in prayer. for some still it is "awe-ful" when we witness travailings or hear about mystefying things like seeing ghosts. but as Cardinal Suhar said to be a witness of our faith, to have a faith that is seeking understanding, is not evident by how stirred or on fire our souls may be but in continuing to live a life that is centered in one person, God. a life that is worthless and insignificant if God doesnt reside in the source.

0.2 "Pilgrimages can be expressive of deep conviction, but also give space for the unsure,, those who travel hoping to find something on the way or the end"

Timothy equates our life of faith to that of a pilgrimage. a journey from point A to point B. a journey from ignorance to knowledge. he continues by saying that our pilgrimage of knowing ourselves and our god is an expression of implicit hope-- in the words of Aquinas bonum futurum aduum possibile [for a difficutl but POSSIBLE future good]

0.3 "Hope is not the convition that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out" -- Vaclav Havel

hope is not a blind thing that is set on a good despite whatever happens. but hope is knowing, a certitude that what will happen is salvation despite the hunger, pain, terminal illness, hate we feel at the moment. our hope of a pradise, timothy continues, is not about the triump of some DUMB force. it is the ULTIMATE and UNIMAGINEABLE vicotry of meaning. whatever we wish paradise will be shall pale in comparisson to the reality of it. our concept of heaven, filled with all the goodness and devoid of bad, is a shallow description of what is ours as a promise by God. 

0.4 "To hope...embraces this supremely darc act, the murder of God's own SOn, and make[s] it fruitful..."

People sometimes think that hoping is just a process of wishing for something better. Hoping is a process of wishing and acting to achieve this something better. it is a convicted and willful act of taking the darkness, challenging it head on, and using whatever bleakness it envokes into something that is light-filled. to be a warrior of the light, as Paolo Coelho says.  so in the face of the horror we DARE to look at the betrayal it represents, with the CONFIDENCE that it will bear fruit.

0.5 "Our dreams are too small, and if God demolishes them it is so that we may venture out into the larger space of his life"

i dont know about you but i fear dreaming big. i have always been a conservative dreamer, only imagining until where i think i can. setting limits even before i can see the horizon. that is one of the greatest things i am grateful for from M., he isnt afraid to dream big. he isnt afraid to reach. i am. i am afraid of falling. of taking a plunge and only to find out i have just jumped into air. but i am reminded that my dreams are simple, in all the complexities i think it holds, in comparisson to the ONE dream that GOD has for me. despite the vastness i think there is, there is still a bigger universe that God is offering me. and when he does demolish the walls that i erect to restrict myself, he does this out of love. like a father, laughing at the childish atempts of toddler to walk. 

0.6 "Deep inside every 'art-act' lies the dream of an absolute leap out of nothingness, of the invention of an enunciatory shape so new, so singular to its begetter, that i would literally leave the world behind" -- George Steiner

George presupposes that artistic creation is the nearest we can get to a sense of God's creativity. i think if anyone who could understand this Ate Kathy would. whenever we write down our thoughts, take a beautiful photo, sing a song, dance to a tune we move closer to what it must have felt like for God when he said "let there be light". in our own human way we become divine in every art form we create. when i see myself write a blog, with so much energy because im bursting with it, how must have it felt like for God when breathed into Adam because he LOVED him? 

I will awake the dawn is the title of Timothy's first chapter. an apt one considering he talks about hope. to awake at a new day, to have the pristine freshness of a new beginning is a miracle. 

To have loved the super kind of way

i think inspiration comes in various forms. it is like quicksilver, never knowing when it will hit but when you find it a certain preciousness overides all that you are and a flurry of movement becomes you. 

i may be late on the music scene but before having my afternoon nap i chanced upon this song by Chris Brown, "Superhuman". There must be something to be said about the words of these song. i found myself as Chris a few months back. headed for a downward spiral that was characterized by insecurity and doubt. was someone like me ever going to be loved? was i even worth loving? and by chance i found someone who has come to love me. 

many people, transcending centuries, can profess to this kind of love or at least having felt it once. Shakespeare, the poetic tandem of Elizabeth and Robert Browning, Mr. and Mrs. Claus, my parents even. and for me to finally realize what they have been living is a gift. rarely can someone of my meagre age and experience know what it would feel like to be hit so squarely by cupid's bow. to know that when you gaze in the eyes of someone who you love, and loves you back, the reciprocity can power nations. to know that when your hands meet, two halves are made into a whole. to experience an electrifying tingle when your lips touch, and an underlying current when you hug. to know that 50 years from now, or even longer, the love that has just begun would become a flower so big that its petals have bloomed to such undescribable splendor. 

a love, that is both eros and agape, can make you feel divine. a love that is so great, given by someone greater, can make you feel super human.

Weak

I have been crying and crying for weeks

How'd I survive when I can barely speak

Barely eat, On my knees

But that's the moment u came to me

I don't know what your love has done to me

Think I'm invincible

I see through the me I used to be

You changed my whole life

Don't know what your doing to me with your love

I'm feeling all super human, you did that to me

A super human heart beats in me

Nothing can stop me here with you

Super human (I feel so superhuman X2)

Super human

Strong

Since I've been flying and righting the wrongs

Feels almost like I've had it all along

And I can see tomorrow

Where every problem is gone because

I flew everywhere with love inside of me

It's unbelievable to see how love can set me free

You changed my whole life

Don't know what your doing to me with your love

I'm feeling all super human, you did that to me

A super human heart beats in me

Nothing can stop me here with you

Super human (I feel so superhuman X2)

Super human

It's not a bird, not a plane

It's my heart and it's going, gone away

My only weakness is you

Only reason is you

Every minute with you

I can feel like I can do anything

Going going, I'm gone away in love

You changed my whole life

Don't know what your doing to me with your love

I'm feeling all super human, you did that to me

A super human heart beats in me

Nothing can stop me here with you

Super human

i dont understand.

i dont understand why i am the way i am lately. ive been so irritable and so out of synch about the things that used to bring joy in my life. im so easily angered. so easily annoyed. so easily swayed into the negativity the pervades around me.

i have always considered myself a trooper: someoeone who gets going when things get tougher. things ARE tough at the moment and it doesnt help that they keep getting challenging as the days wear on. i thought it was a trait that i could always find something to smile about no matter how bleak events may seem. but everyday its getting harder and harder for me to get up and dust the mud of my knees. late at night when i should be drifting off to sleep land i find myself going through things over and over...analyzing them again and again. i feel aged. i feel dried out.

there truly is no dilemma in this situation. just a prevailing sense that something isnt right. sometimes when i talk to M. i find it even harder to reconcile things. fear encroaching further in and a cold awareness settles inside instead of peace. when i come face to face to the hard facts in front of me, it makes it even more challenging to fiind something to smile about. i think the longer i make of this refection the more worry lines appear on my forehead. i have never been this weak and this helpless. i was always the rock, the stronghold. and i would never break. i would remain steadfast. but now its like im picking up the pieces-- the fragile remnants of what have been. the person i used to be would stare this in the eye, after admittedly crying bout it in privat, and go head on. but the "girl [child] i am at the moment feels so bruised and vulnerable...like the strong northernwinds could just sweep me of my feet.

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

** "What about now?" by Chris Daughtry

my christmas wishlist

despite the many things happening in my life at the moment i've decided to take the time to conjure up my christmas wish list. we had a diagnostic test during my theology class in a form of a game, the theme is "12 days of christmas". of course i didnt know the answers to everything but that christmas carol reminded me of what i want for the 12 days of my own christmas.

on the 12 days of christmas i wished my loved ones would give to me...

...12 chocolate pieces [dark]

...11 colored pens [staedler to replenish my dying set]

...10 hugs and kisses

...09 judith mcnaught or jude deveraux books

...08 paolo coelho books

...07 new dresses

...06 new shoes

...05 A's for this semester

...04 thousand in the bank account

...03 nights of blissful sleep

...02 hands holding in the night

...01 night of peace in the entire world

my christmas wish list ::bow::

Oh well

while preparing the things i need for school tomorrow i chanced upon my old CD collection. I started listening to them and thus began my nostalgic walk down memory lane. some of these CD's were momentos of love gone by, or high school triumphs, some were souveneirs from weddings others were just a mixtape of all the songs i liked to dance to. 

in a few months time ill be graduating. ending yet another chapter of my life and beginning anew at something. in three months time ill be saying good bye to the academic days i have come to know for a better part of my 20 year existence. by april, by my birthday next year, i will be considered an adult of this society having reveived a bachelor's degree and new expectations will be set. i still dont know what life after college will be like. many of my friends have their paths set for them: masters, law school, family business, travelling, etc. me? I have a clean slate. there still isnt anything written in stone and the tomorrow which seems daunting is a dawn to a brighter adventure. 

the nostalgia i feel at the moment is the kind of emotion evoked when one looks at the days gone past and the journey travelled. my college days were the happiest and most eye opening so far. it made me experience what it's like to study in a co educational sytem, how to sing as a pregnant girl friend in a broadway production, travel out of town without the parentals, drink like there was no tomorrow, to know the hell of finance and accounting, to be creative marketers, to learn that "there is" at the face of "there isn't", to smile despite the fact that we were failing and to hold the gigantic cross at the beginning of a high mass. these are some of the numerous memories i will pack with me once i leave the confines of the Ateneo and graduate from the age group of the Youth Apostolate. there are so many people i will be grateful for, and many opportunities i wish i took. there's this sigh of relief breathing out of me. 

in three months time the life i have come to lead will no longer be the same.

Verse 1

Since you've been gone I've been lonely

Longing to be with you only

Maybe there still a way I could find you and say

Just how I feel

I can't believe that it's over 

Wish somehow I could have shown her

All that was inside my heart

'Stead of playing the games

You might have stayed

B-Section 1

Funny, just the other night

I was thinking

And wondering if you ever think

About me

I call you one the phone 

There's no answer

Hook 1 

Oh well there's still tomorrow

Oh well I'll try again

Oh well maybe just maybe

Verse 2

Since you've been gone I've been lonely

Longing to be with you only

If there's a way I could beg you to stay

Would you please stay with me

B-Section 2

I was thinking maybe I 

Could come over

Hoping we could finaly

Work this out

Even if tonight we don't 

Find an answer

Hook 1

Bridge

If I had another chance

We would stand

Hand in hand

You'd be my girl

And I'd be your man

Oh well maybe just maybe we can

B-section 3

I still call you on the phone

Still no answer

Maybe later on I'll try

One more time yes

Or am I just a fool

To keep trying

Hook 2

Oh well there's still tomorrow

Oh well a fool's what I am

Oh well maybe just maybe

Oh well still, there's still tomorrow

Oh well I'll try again

Oh well maybe justi  maybe 

See if i got down on my knees

And give you every little part of me

Oh well there's still tomorrow

Oh well I'll try again

Oh well maybe just maybe

Since you've been gone I've been lonely

** i know this really doesnt make any true sense to what i just said but its one of those songs that remind me of my childhood. 

The Irritation

Why can't things ever be simple? I feel torn in the middle, like being cleaved into two. I thought the whole point of finding your other half is so that you can feel complete? Or are those just fairy tales, the lies we tell ourselves to believe in the hope of something better?

Sometimes I think I've gotten it all down perfectly, like I've found the answers to the mysteries of the universe. But there are occasions when I feel like I am entirely clueless about the whole thing. I thought, as I entered this, that I was mature enough. Just goes to show thinking isn't the same as knowing. I feel as if I'm a child in your eyes. Like the things that I experience, the things that are novelties to me, are puny and microscopic to you. They matter to me because I make them matter. That doesn't give you carte blanche to discredit them merely because you've trodden down the path a long time ago. Maybe they are right, you're walking all over me. And the funny thing is I'm letting you.

These things, the things you say you can't live with, are the kinds that make up who I am. So the next time we argue about this, or the next time I let you read a section from the story of my life, don't treat it like it doesn't matter to you. Don't react like a Neanderthal, pure impulse, but pursue the stories you read with the same care and attention I gave them. This is my life, and yes nothing in this world will stay the same for long, but change isn't a process you rush. I am changing, peeling away layers at a time. In case you don't know it, the whole thing isn't easy and at times is even painful. So don't add to the burden, or the pain. Don't bring even more emotion to an already chaotic setting.

You don't seem to see that I still am a kid inside of this 20 year old body. Perhaps I masked it so well enough that I got you fooled, even myself for that matter. But that doesn't change the fact that I am not in your league in some things. I am still a beginner in most of them, so are my friends. So yes we'll react childishly it seems to you, immature even. But that's how we're built still. That is our limit. I hope the next time things turn this way you react with a patience of your years. In truth I should be the Homo Erectus to your Homo Sapiens Sapiens. I am way way way in the starting line while you're already down the road.

Obviously I'm irritated. Actually scratch that, I'm mad. Twice already, blown out of proportion. I know you mean well, you don't have to repeat the spiels, but please this is wearing me down.

The Question of Evil

I was reading Paolo Coelho's blog today and the argument of evil popped up.. and I quote..

By Paulo Coelho

A man went to trim his hair and beard. As always happens, he and the barber chatted about this and that, until - commenting on a newspaper article about street kids - the barber stated:

- As you can see, this tragedy shows that God doesn’t exist.

- How?

- Don’t you read the papers? So many people suffer, abandoned children, there’s so much crime. If God existed, there wouldn’t be so much suffering.

The customer thought for a moment, but his haircut was nearly finished, and he decided not to prolong the conversation. They returned to gentler topics, the job was done, the customer paid and left.

However, the first thing he saw was a tramp, with several days of beard, and long tangled hair. Immediately, he returned to the barber’s shop and said to the man who had served him:

- You know something? Barbers don’t exist.

- What do you mean, don’t exist? I’m here, and I’m a barber.

- They don’t exist! - insisted the man. - Because if they did, there wouldn’t be people with such longs beards and such tangled hair as I’ve just witnessed up on the corner.

- I can guarantee that barbers do exist. But that man has never come in here.

- Exactly! So, in answer to your question, God exists, too. It just so happens that people don’t go to Him. If they did, they would be more giving, and there wouldn’t be so much misery in the world.

I encountered the same argument in my Philosophy class last semester..and we debated the same way as the Barber and Customer did. Why does evil exist in a world that was supposedly created by a God that is benevolent? Why does suffering occur when it can be prevented by this entity that is all knowing and all powerful? If we are loved by this God then why then are we left to feel what hate, cruelty, animostity is? 

I think the existence of evil can also be answered by how much love exists. Sin is the absence of good, and evil is the absence of love. This simplistic rationalization of something that happens althroughout the world, and has transcended centuries is the answer I am offering to the prevalence of concupisence. The pauper on the street, the child with no home, wars in Afghanistan or even the steady growth of poverty can be answered by how much are we willing to love those next to us. 

Some people, H.J. McCloskey for example, argue that yes evil exists because of free will but why does it exists at such numbers? I think the gravity and depth to which hate has surrounded us in this world is directly proportional to the amount of selfishness in us. We are a selfish people I think. Despite the good that we are capable of doing, despite the purity found in each one of us, selfishness and self-seeking behavior over rides these good qualities. Everything becomes relative, in comparisson to the next person, instead of a universal standard. People think they are "good" because they compare themselves to those who are "worse" than they are. "I am a better person than X because I give alms, he doesn't"...etc etc. I think the standard should not be how much better we are in relation to another human being, but how much better are we in comparisson to who we were yesterday. The real measuring stick here is ourselves. Is the person staring back at us in the mirror a better reflection of our yesteryears or merely a shadow of the light that can be found inside?

Evil is not the absence of God around us. But the absence of God inside us.