I am allergic to people

ill plug it down to hormones. ill blame it on the fact that i've gotten my period. but i'm angry.

i spent the early part of today trying to control this urge to just scream. i'd purposely distance myself from family because i know if my presence is felt it means that i'd have to do something. utusan. is this a selfish way to act? i just needed to get away. to have a quiet place. to find my center. i didnt exactly get the best sleep last night because of the culmination of a fight. sometimes, i guess it happens, that the people you love the most are those who irritate you the most as well.

i remember when my tita arrived from the states. she was a doctor and very much interested with oriental forms of medicine. she believed in the healing powers of chi kung [ i dont know if i spelled that right] which is the proper use of your internal energy to heal. my mom was the best candidate for that, she being a medium and all. but the interesting thing is you can actually be ALLERGIC to a person. allergic in the sense that when you are in interaction with this person you feel that it's an abrasive encounter. you feel aggitated and ill at ease. i remember she'd diagnose this by asking us to hold the "allergen"'s hand and having us lift our other hand. then every so often she'd push down on the raised hand and say "resist". call it coincidence but no matter how HARD you resist she'd be able to push your hand down. my tita was diminutive in size, petite if you could say that. but even my own dad was no match to her pushing skills. and he tried. 

i think that is what i am at the moment. i am allergic. to my family and at times at M. as well. i'd like to lock myself up or just cloister myself in solitude because being in constant relation with them just gets on my nerves. i am no longer comfortable. like a kettle on a boil..i could just whistle and blow. would you put any stock on this? this allergic to a person theory? i think the practical people wouldnt. M. being one of them. but i do put SOME stock into this. not entirely believing it but i do think that it is plausible to be "allergic" to a person. usually the rule of proximity can work both ways. positive and negative. proximity makes you realize a person more. makes you enraptured by their personality and good traits. unfortunately being too much in contact can also get you sick of them. 

of course this isnt a permanent thing. this is temporary. you can't have too much of a good thing. nor can you always gravitate towards the negative. i just feel that my personal space, my personal decisions, my personal freedom, has been intruded upon too often for comfort. i just need to be able to feel that i still am the master of my fate and the captain of my sould [INVICTUS]. to be able to determine my own destiny and not have people tell me what or who i should be, what choices i should make, what actions i should do. i just need to be me. even for a few moments in the day.