i dont understand.

i dont understand why i am the way i am lately. ive been so irritable and so out of synch about the things that used to bring joy in my life. im so easily angered. so easily annoyed. so easily swayed into the negativity the pervades around me.

i have always considered myself a trooper: someoeone who gets going when things get tougher. things ARE tough at the moment and it doesnt help that they keep getting challenging as the days wear on. i thought it was a trait that i could always find something to smile about no matter how bleak events may seem. but everyday its getting harder and harder for me to get up and dust the mud of my knees. late at night when i should be drifting off to sleep land i find myself going through things over and over...analyzing them again and again. i feel aged. i feel dried out.

there truly is no dilemma in this situation. just a prevailing sense that something isnt right. sometimes when i talk to M. i find it even harder to reconcile things. fear encroaching further in and a cold awareness settles inside instead of peace. when i come face to face to the hard facts in front of me, it makes it even more challenging to fiind something to smile about. i think the longer i make of this refection the more worry lines appear on my forehead. i have never been this weak and this helpless. i was always the rock, the stronghold. and i would never break. i would remain steadfast. but now its like im picking up the pieces-- the fragile remnants of what have been. the person i used to be would stare this in the eye, after admittedly crying bout it in privat, and go head on. but the "girl [child] i am at the moment feels so bruised and vulnerable...like the strong northernwinds could just sweep me of my feet.

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

** "What about now?" by Chris Daughtry