experimenting

experimenting with a photo editor.

droning it out

it encircles me like this cloud. i watched as his writer hands flew across the key board in a flurry of imagination. but i stood still. words coming in and out, streaming from one ear to another. and yet i uttered nothing. this monologue of gigantic proportions echoes inside my mind, i do no justice to thoughts i have. and yet emotion, its swirls inside me crashing and moving. bottled up, pressurized until it hits the breaking point. i dont understand where i'm coming from, where i am headed. i do not know that path my feet are treading. and in this sea of uncertainty, in this river of doubt i float...uncaring. uncanny as it seems i am untouched. as of the moment i am numb. right now i feel nothing. this void of darkness, something i am not familiar with is eating up the light. capitulation in its essence. surrender in its purest form. i write this down with no flow of thought, or purpose. i write this down just because. now, perhaps is time i speak honestly of what is within me. now it is time to let out what can no longer be silenced. alone. i feel alone at times. especially in the quiet. i feel left behind especially in the center of movement. i see you moving forward. i see her moving back. i see them moving. i feel like i am standing still with no goal, no journey, no nothing. i understood what he meant when he said he felt incompetent. because i feel it too. i feel at a loss. i am not supposed to be placed in this position. i am me after all. i am supposed to be the best. the greatest. but i watch from the sidelines not wanting to get my feet wet. i stand in the background wishing to be part of those in the foreground. i am frustrated beyond measure by what i am left to do. i am without purpose. i am without vision. this simply isnt how i was built. help me make sense of the mysteries of my life. help me try to grasp what is beginning to unfold. help me try to listen to what is being said. i dont konw how to end this. there seems to be no proper way to conclude this revurberating echo. cant you hear it? we are being formed you and i. formed in the Refiner's fire. i just hope the pressures upon me, the pounding and unceasing molding can be made into something beautiful. do you believe that? in hope, love and faith.

out into sea

i had a wonderful day yesterday. M. and i decided to go on a road trip to Matabungkay. it's approximately a two hour drive to get there and despite the long hours it was a very eventful ride.

we got there a little after noon and the beach was glorious. i dont frequent beaches at all, even as a child beaches were luxuries that came at seldom intervals. but that afternoon the water was close to being pristine and the sand was a shady white that felt wonderful underneath my feet. it was even more special because it was a few precious hours with someone i have come to love.

time has always been an essence to me. time is gold. time is precious. and those few hours spent with M. in solitude and peace was wonderful. despite our "advancing" years we frolicked in the water like children. playing on the sand like kids, throwing sand balls at each other, running around the dunes and hearing our own laughter ring in the air. i havent had that in quite some time. havent had that comfortable atmosphere with another person, not being able to be so free and liberated. yesterday was amazing.

we walked down the beachfront hands held in anticipation of adventure. like curious rabbits we watched small fish pass us by or fishermen catching their meal of the day or children running around or dogs digging things up or mudskippers flailing about or mangrove shoots trying to reach sunlight or the waves crash upon each other or stones erode into smoothness or our feet sink into the sand or our lips touch one another. it seemed like a tropical paradise. the beach was almost empty except for the two of us. a little piece of heaven just for two weary souls who have found each other. we sat underneath the shadow of a few trees and watch the beauty unravell before our eyes.

i saw his eyes in a glimpse. i saw what i hope is contentment. sometimes the challenge of making someone happy is daunting at best. and a question always lingers inside me..it is a question of whether or not i make him as happy as he has made [and continues to do so] me. do i make him his insides tingle the same way he does mine when he touches my hand? do i make him vibrate with the same force as he does to me when our lips touch? do i make his heart beat faster with just a look the same way his eyes affect me? do i? do i really?

i looked at the waves one last time yesterday before we left. they reminded me of the waves of doubt crashing around in my head. it is the fear talking. it is being scared of the future. but i am reminded that God has promised to lay upon my feet the desires of my heart. and M. has become that desire. he is a promise realized. the ride home reminded me of the quiet i used to relish..the quiet that has taught me peace. as the darkness covered the car, as the lights guided our travel home...i held his hand in comfort and love.

this is that leap of faith. as Peter did, out into sea. i will walk on water someday.

intertwined strangers

there are times when our hands meet and we feel like two halves made into a whole
there are times when our eyes glimpse each other a future is born
there are times when our hearts beat in a steady tempo melodies are created

but...
there are times when we breathe the same air but live separate lives
there are times when we sleep under the same sky but are distant fellows
there are times when we hold each other tight but go our separate ways

im trying to make sense of the feelings i have and the doubts in my head. im trying to understand why things happen the way they do. im grasping at the straws while keeping the foundation firm. there are silent questions i cannot ask, words i cannot form, and dreams that evoke such fearful futures. i wake up in a sweat at times thinking the heaven i have is just a farce. inside my smile a question lingers, asking "is this real?". i am scared to open what was once broken. i am scared to give what was once taken forgranted. but i think it's to late for fears for i already have one foot across the threshold. i have one hand reaching towards you and more than half of myself given in abandon.

we are intertwined. that i believe. but until where? until how far?

hey there delilah

driving home when i heard this song. perhaps you think it's weird that i talk through song or through the thoughts of other people. but the way they say it, or at least sing it, echoes inside me with the same paramount emotion. this is another song that reminds me of the journey we have decided to walk together. listen well. "ohhh it's what you do to me.. it's what you do to me.."

Hey there Delilah,
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away,
But girl tonight you look so pretty,
Yes you do,
Time Square can’t shine as bright as you,
I swear it’s true.

Hey there Delilah,
Don’t you worry about the distance,
I’m right there if you get lonely,
Give this song another listen,
Close your eyes,
Listen to my voice it’s my disguise,
I’m by your side.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
What you do to me.

Hey there Delilah,
I know times are getting hard,
But just believe me girl some day,
I'll pay the bills with this guitar,
We'll have it good,
We'll have the life we knew we would,
My word is good.

Hey there Delilah,
I’ve got so much left to say,
If every simple song I wrote to you,
Would take your breath away,
I’d write it all,
Even more in love with me you’d fall,
We’d have it all.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me.

A thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars,
I’d walk to you if I had no other way,
Our friends would all make fun of us,
And we'll just laugh along because,
We know that none of them have felt this way,
Delilah I can promise you,
That by the time that we get through,
The world will never ever be the same,
And you’re to blame.

Hey there Delilah you be good,
And don’t you miss me,
Two more years and you’ll be done with school,
And I'll be making history,
Like I do,
You’ll know it's all because of you,
We can do whatever we want to,
Hey there Delilah here's to you,
This one’s for you.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,

Oh it’s what you do to me,

What you do to me. 

corinthians

i have always loved the way the words of Paul in Corinthians has washed over me. like a soothing balm that takes away the pains and sorrows of my heart. or sometimes like the reassuring hand of a lover's caress or the supportive prodding of a worried parent.

i read Corinthians once more last night. in the shadow of the day's events and wrapped around a thick blanket i allowed myself to be comforted and renewed.

But God's grace has made me what I am and his grace to me was not wasted
(1Cor15:10)

for quite sometime now i have been partially lost in the worries of my life. i have learned to tune out what is right, and act instead based on gut. i had forgotten that there was a time in my life that Providence has smiled upon me. i read this verse over and over again trying to make sense of the confusion at war within.

my life has been blessed as of late. and it is sad to think that i have been ungrateful. because i have. and because i am.

a friend told me that there is a new aura surrounding me. it is lighter, funner, more joyous. the smile on my face is genuine and the glow is effervescent.but i have been warned.

the body that is 'planted' will ruin and decay,
but it is raised to a life that cannot be destroyed.
when the body is 'planted' it is without honor
but it is raised in glory
when the body is 'planted' it is weak,
but when it is raised it is powerful
(1Cor15:42-44)

i want to be raised. i want to transcend the planted-ness of my soul and become glorified.

You broke the night like the sun
And healed my heart
With Your great love
Any trouble I couldn't bear,
You lifted me
Upon Your shoulders

Love that's stronger
Love that covers sin,
And takes the weight of the world

I love You, all of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ, take my life,
Take all of me

You stand on mountain tops with me
With You I walk through the valleys
You gave Your only Son for me
Your grace is all I rely on

I love You so, and I give up
My life to say,
I need You so,
My every thing, Oh Lord
(Take all of me, Hillsong United)

value.

they say you never value something until it has finally slipped from your fingers.i believe that. a student here in school died yesterday. in the hallway i heard friends, and "friends" whisper about fond memories and rumored causes. they say he killed himself. they say he died because of the pressure. they say they say...

i dont really know who he was, what his life was like. i dont even know if our paths crossed or if my eyes ever laid eyes on him. what i do know was he was loved. as the mass continued many people had tears in their eyes. the family, berieved, sat in the corner in stoic silence. too many emotions swirled around the chapel and the silence...it was deafening.

as people rushed out of the wake you could see the change on their faces. death does that i guess. death makes you realize there still is something worth doing.there is value in the worthless.

Chemical Reaction

You make me feel 

Out of my element 

Like I'm walking on broken glass 

Like my world's spinning in slow motion 

And you're moving too fast 

Were you right, was I wrong? 

Were you weak, was I strong? 

Both of us broken 

Caught in the moment 

We lived and we loved 

And we hurt and we joked, yeah 

But the planets all aligned 

When you looked into my eyes 

And just like that 

The chemicals react 

You make me feel 

Out of my element 

Like I'm drifting out to the sea 

Like the tide's pulling me in deeper 

Making it harder to breathe 

We cannot deny how we feel inside 

We cannot deny 

Were you right, was I wrong? 

Were you weak, was I strong? Yeah 

Both of us broken 

Caught in the moment 

We lived and we loved 

And we hurt and we joked, yeah 

But the planets all aligned 

When you looked into my eyes 

And just like that 

The chemicals react 

The chemicals react 

Kaleidoscope of colors 

Turning hopes on fire 

Sun is burning 

Shining down on both of us 

Don't let us lose it 

Were you right, was I wrong? 

Were you weak, was I strong? 

Both of us broken 

Caught in the moment 

We lived and we loved 

And we hurt and we joked, yeah 

We lived, we loved 

We hurt, we joked 

We're right, we're wrong 

We're weak, we're strong 

We lived to love 

But the planets all aligned 

When you looked into my eyes 

And just like that the chemicals react 

Just like that the chemicals react 

The chemicals react

to long distance love..that burns the phone lines

** Missing you by Tyler Hilton

Everytime I think of you

I always catch my breath

I'm still standing here

And your miles away

And I wonder why you left me

And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles

And it always makes me smile

I spent my time just thinkin about you

And its almost driving me wild

[Bridge:]

But it's my heart that's begging down this long distance line tonight

[Chorus:]

And I ain't missin' you at all

Since you've been gone... Away

I ain't missin' you

No matter what I might say

There's a message in the wires

And I am sendin' you a signal tonight

You don't know how desperate I've become

And It looks like I'm loosing' this fight

[Bridge:]

But it's my heart that's breakin' down this long dusty road of mine

But I ain't missin' you at all

Since you've been gone... Away

I aint missin' you at

No matter what my friends say

And there's a message that I'm sendin' out

Like a telegraph to your soul

I can't bridge this distance

Honey, stop this heartache overload

I ain't missin' you at all

Since you've been gone... Away

I ain't missin' you

No matter what my friends say

I ain't missin' you

Since you've been gone... Away

I ain't missin you

Yeah, no matter what your friends say

Hey yeah, yeah yeah yeah

I ain't missin you at all

Since you've been gone... Away

I ain't missin' you

No

i aint missing you because in my heart you'd stay. 

to the new love of my life

i think its an age of discovery. i think its a time of knowledge. i think its a time of unearthing.

i don't know you a lot about you, just bits and pieces of stories and scattered whispers. i do not know much about your childhood, or the past you lived through. i wasn't there when you scraped your knee on the pavement, or when you took your first step. i never experienced the childhood you had, or most of the places you've been too. so let me in, show me pandora's box. allow me to immerse myself in the colorful chapters that you call your own. permit me to grasp in my hand the things that made you who you are.

[Verse 1:]

There's a place in your heart where nobody's been.

Take me there.

Things nobody knows, not even your friends.

Take me there.

Tell me about your momma, your daddy, your home town, show me around.

I wanna see it all, don't leave anything out.

[Chorus:]

I wanna know, everything about you.

And I wanna go, down every road you've been.

Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live, where you keep the rest of your life hid.

I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare.

Take me there.

[Verse 2:]

Your first real kiss, your first true love, you were scared.

Show me where.

You learned about life, spent your summer nights, without a care.

Take me there.

I wanna roll down mainstreet and backroads like you did when you were a kid.

What makes you who you are, tell me what your story is.

[Chorus 2x:]

I wanna know, everything about you.

And I wanna go, down every road you've been.

Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live, where you keep the rest of your life hid.

I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare.

Take me there.

I wanna roll down mainstreet.

I wanna know your hopes and your dreams.

Take me, take me there.

Yeah.

** take me there by rascal flatts [i'm so loving them right now]

we are all innocent

i first heard this song in a retreat three years ago. i fell in love with the lyrics because they echoed so strongly the feelings i was having at that time. i especially love that in a world that is very much self-centered and filled with hatred the innocence of love flourishes.

Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous

Spends his time alone 

In the basement

With Lennon and Cobain

A guitar and a stereo

While he wishes he 

Could escape this

It all seems so contagious

Not to be yourself and faceless

In a song that has no soul

[Chorus:]

I remember feeling low

I remember losing hope

I remember all the feelings

And the day they stopped

We are, 

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are, we are

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are 

Oh, Tina’s losing faith in what she knows

Hates her music 

Hates all of her clothes

Thinks of surgery

And a new nose

Every calorie is a war

While she wishes she 

Was a dancer

And that she'd never 

Heard of cancer

She wishes God would give her

Some answers

And make her feel beautiful

[Chorus]

One day

You'll have to let it go,

Oh

One day 

You'll stand up on your own, you'll stand up on your own

Yeah

Remember losing hope, 

Remember feeling low, 

Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, 

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are, we are, 

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are

We are, 

We are all innocent

(One day, you'll have to let it go, you'll have to let it go)

We are all innocent

We are, we are, we are, 

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are

We are, 

We are all innocent

(One day, you'll stand up on your own, stand up on your own)

We are all innocent

We are, we are, we are, 

We are all innocent, we are all innocent

We are, we are

We are... we are all innocent..

i think in a world that is getting unkind every day, in a society that is filled with strangers we must reach out to become the friendly face in a crowd and the loving gaze in a sea of indifference. i'm sure there would be a time in our lives when hopelessness is the only emotion we'd feel, or if anger is the only consuming affect in our bodies but that is the challenge...what would you do?

tell me

tell me what do you see when you look at me.
tell me what kind of eyes stare back at you.
tell me what emotions are etched on my face.
tell me what kind of person is in front of you.

tell me...

because there are just some days where i cant face the person staring back at me in the mirror.