confessions

this is officially my second day of summer vacation. this would perhaps be my most unplanned, uneventful summer vacation and it's only been two days. i thought this summer was it. i had so much hope for it. it felt ripe for change and it being the summer that i say goodbye to teen-dom for good, i thought it was the summer i'd go out with a bang.

in giving in to my mood of restlessness and melancholia i couldn't help but think i'm in a rut. i always thought of myself as a go getter but it seems i was just deluding myself into thinking i could be something. i think when you finally say good bye to the suffix "teen" to your age the idealism goes out the window as well. finally the rose tinted glasses give way to the glare of reality and all you really armed with now is the courage to pursue the "real" world or the stench of failure.

two words uttered by someone i really admire hasn't really flushed out of my system. am i really just cut out to be the secretary or is there a leader in me somewhere? people see potential. people see talent. people see something. and it irks me that i cant see that "something". i've been to a dozen leadership seminars. i've signed off the same amount of candidacy forms and what have yous. i've written speeches upon speeches. i've crossed that threshold from the comfort zone into the courage zone. but i cant seem to shake of the spirit of regret and failure. because i really thought i was going somewhere. i really thought i was doing something. but it seems im nothing more than a glorified figure head with no substance.

this rut that i'm in seems like a crater into a black hole of infinite regress. if i succeed in one thing, i'm bound to fail in another. i think this is why the french coined that cliche "c'est la vie" because life isnt feeling any easier especially when you think it is. it's this merry go around, you think you're up but you're apparently down. surprise surprise life has it's own version of project runway or america's next top model.

"one day you're in, the next day you're out!" -Heide Klum

and another thing, when do relationships get any easier? are they just meant to tide you over to the next big argument which just then leads to the next big make up....then the cycle continues. two nights in a row i've spent my two am's on the phone crying and arguing about something i feel is right but the other feels is completely selfish. there doesnt seem to be any middle ground anymore. there doesnt seem to be gray areas. compromise is such a dream that i feel it isnt attainable. (well with this particular person it isnt.)

so you see. if i dont feel like i'm something to be judge since my resume is currently proliferating the business skyline, i feel like a yoyo being thrown back in forth in events i cant comprehend. progress? can that really happen? or are those "little steps" really just small steps to a bigger regress? because sooner or later i'll find that i've fallen short on something or that i wasn't doing it right. don't give me psychoanalitcal analysis on what i'm feeling. been there, i know. don't spiritualize what i'm going through because i've read it. don't mother me, because i can't handle that. but deliver me. because failure is my waterloo. because regret is that something i cant get rid of. because i don't want to say goodbye to teenage-hood in this state.

i deserve better.

chameleon

you have so many skins i barely know who you are.
you have so many masks i find it hard to know you.
you have so many expressions i dont know which is real.

who are you really? a friend or foe?
what are you really? a boy or man?
how are you really? happy or forlorn?

fading away

there really is something that must be said when you're grasping at straws. what else if left to hope for when all you have are bits and pieces of memories that only YOU can remember? what can you do when you're standing alone on a precipice when there used to be two?

i haven't heard from Ryan for a while now. It's like he left me hanging there in the middle of nowhere. We used to be so close, close enough to pass for lovers-- which we were once. Whatever romance that has dried out now blossomed into a friendship that was comfortable and understanding-- home. But it all seems like yesterday to me. What used to be my lifeline, has now been severed by the one person who anchored it.

How do you move on after this kind of intimacy? This isn't the kind that is recognized by flesh, nor is it the kind that is driven by passion and lust. But it is an intimacy of souls, that makes me far more vulnerable and far more brittle than any other relationship I've had. I used to tell someone who is struggling with the same burden as I am, to let go and think of yourself for a change. I never could understand why it was so hard for her to just let loose and be free. And now that I am shackled as she is, I've come to realize that it isn't as easy as it seems.

Just as you invest in financial ventures, it isn't a piece of cake to just cut your losses and move on. This particular relationship of mine has seen me through milestones, gray areas and darkness. I thought it could weather anything, and was fortified enough to see through all storms. But now that I feel so desolate and alone, all the hopes I had are as broken as the promises he once uttered.

Is this a vendo kind of relationship? Am i the endless supply of encouragement and happiness just slip me a coin somewhere? I admit i give Ryan leeway, even when it hurts I smile and make it seem alright. He finds joy when I'm insecure I guess, or when he knows he has the ability to humble me. But there is more to us than this sacrificial kind of relationship. Ryan, perhaps if he hasn't realized it yet, will be the only person in this Earth who will know me best aside from God. He's seen me in diapers, in underwear, in skirts and toothy grins, and in practically anything. So maybe this is one of the big reasons why I'm holding on. We've known each other even when we were at our ugliest--where regrets and anger were all we knew. We've also known each other when we were at our most glorious-- when joy and love emanated from us.

Then why? Why does it feel that I'm in a tempestuous darkness? Why does it feel that this special person is being grabbed from my own clutches? Is this what it means when God said he would mold us until we were refined Gold? Am i being shaped in the Refiner's fire? It hurts, it burns, it scalds, and it pains. But if this is the process that He will me to undertake in order to be beautiful--then I submit.

IF fading away is the answer. If change is the only constant. If the variables don't matter. If being separated is what it takes. THEN here I am.

i'm a mess

i dont know if i can blame it on medications. i dont know if i can blame it on hormones. i dont know if i can blame it on being overly sensitive. but i'm a mess.

after eating out with Youth-ees in Jollibee last night, i left not in high spirits but in loneliness. I felt that no matter how much i integrate myself with these people I'll feel like an outsider, a nobody, a speck. The drive home was fast, uneventful, tiring. i thought i could escape my emotions when i got into the sanctuary of my room, only to find out the demons weren't through with me just yet. My one cry for salvation, to the one person i thought i could find happiness in, was left unheard. Joven and i have always had this ritual of sleeping together each on the other side of the phone. After a very confusing, mind-boggling day, i found out Joven fell asleep on me. and my first instinct was to cry. i felt i was being left alone, and there is nothing in this world that scares me more than being alone. and cry i did.

i slept fitfully last night. i woke up with every slight noise and it took me ages to get back to dream land. i was angry. i was angry for feeling this way. i was angry at Joven for letting me down at what seemed like the upteenth time. i was angry at myself for feeling so dependent on the externals. and i'm still angry. like there isnt going to be anything right in the horizon.

i'm a mess.