The Climb

in all honesty i'm not a fan of Miley Cyrus. I find her too pretentious of a person to put any real emotion in the characters she portrays. But i cannot discount the fact that this last song of hers really has some merit. i like the words, but hate how she sang it, especially the video.

I can almost see it

That dream I’m dreaming but

There’s a voice inside my head sayin,

You’ll never reach it,

Every step I’m taking,

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking but I

Got to keep trying

Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain

I’m always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,

Ain’t about how fast I get there,

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,

The chances I’m taking

Sometimes they might knock me down but

No I’m not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I’m going to remember most yeah

Just got to keep going

And I,

I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on,

cause

There’s always going to be another mountain

I’m always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,

Ain’t about how fast I get there,

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain

I’m always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Somebody's you're going to have to lose,

Ain’t about how fast I get there,

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

Keep on moving

Keep climbing

Keep the faith baby

It’s all about

It’s all about

The climb

Keep the faith

Keep your faith

watching over the carcass

**written December 21, 2006

it feels different.

it feels surreal.

im looking from above at the mangled pieces, jagged bones, lifeless limbs and bloodied floor. this carcass...this empty and void being used to be me.

this is what happens when you let people close. this is what happens when you become vulnerable. this is what happens when you open yourself up.

this is what happens when you love.

you get judged.you get hurt. you bleed. you get cut. you shed tears. you get avoided. you get discouraged. you get turned down. you get rejected. you feel hate. you feel animosity. you feel discrimanation.

...until all that is left of you is this...a carcass...

im looking at myself now feeling nothing. im drained of it all. in a funny way i feel numb. ironic isnt it, that the people you care for the most are the ones who cut the deepest wounds. and in the darkness while you bleed they cant see you cry. they cant see the way words inflict hurt. the way stares cause pain. they cant see you hurting. and it is in the silence of darkness the cold reality hits.

i dont want to be cynical and bitter. to just close myself up because it means less pain. but sometimes pain has a way of getting to you. taking you to that point where you really dont care anymore. and im close to that point. im close to throwing the towel in. im close to saying "the hell with it".

...because what else have i got to lose..im mangled and broken.

Scars

** written by Me on March 21, 2007

funny how words transcend time.

shouts and screams flung in every direction

happiness drowned in the volume of hate

wavering strength in the face of danger

fear etched in every line and crevice

dreams of haunt and despair

i claw and and scratch at something

draw blood and create gorges

clamouring to rid myself of this sin

my life is no longer my own i think

i might come out of this

with battle wounds and tears

In the Dark

the waters are swaying so angrily

the winds are blowing with such fury

the skies so bleak, no light can penetrate

i stand on a precipice

watching life pass me by

i see the broken shambles

the jagged rocks await my fall

the tears have left their trace

the wounds no longer bleed

the scabs are dried over

i hold on to a promise

that just seems hollow now

i cling to emotions

for they have ravaged me

the darkness has enclosed me

the coldness wrapped its flimsy arms

the light long since abandoned

i no longer expect

too weary of the race run

i cling to a hope

to be found in the stillness

Thinking Of You

such a sad song..

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on 
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you 
What you would do if
You were the one 
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy 
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in 
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you 
What you would do if
You were the one 
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you 
What you would do if
You were the one 
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes 
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through 
And bust in the door 
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...
stay....

Imogen Heap

her voice has that haunting quality that seems almost otherwordly. i was browsing for her songs when i realized that she too did a cover for "HALLELUJAH". i downloaded it immediately and let her voice resonate inside the den. it helps me feel better.

Baby I've been here before 

I've seen this room and I've walked this floor 

I used to live alone before I knew you 

I've seen your flag on the marble arch 

but love is not some victory march 

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

There was a time when you let me know 

What's really going on below 

But now you never show that it to me, do you? 

Remember when I moved in you 

The Holy dove was moving too 

And every breath we drew was hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

Hallelujah, hallelujah 

_____________________

the complete lyrics:

I heard there was a secret chord 
That David played and it pleased the Lord 
But you don't really care for music, do you? 
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, 

you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you 
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, 

she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; 

I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you 
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, 

it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, 

but now you never show it to me, do you? (and) 
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dove was moving too, a

nd every breath we drew was Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu----jah 

Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love 

was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you 
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light,

 its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu--jah 

Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelu---u---jah 

thoughts on turning 21

in a few days, 9 to be exact, ill be growing one year older. another number will be added to the two decades i've been on this earth. 

for the first time in a long while i suddenly lost all the enthusiasm i had earlier on this year. turning 21 doesnt seem to be such a good idea anymore. i pinned so much hope in it, you know? putting it up there alongside graduation. but now, nearing the home stretch, im finding the energy being stripped off me. my mom was recently dealt with some bad news, which affects the entire family. and it doesn't feel right for me to celebrate my birthday in these circumstances. 

i really am hoping for a miracle. something that will surprise me enough to jolt me out of the melancholia. the funny thing is, this is one of those years where i actually can celebrate. most of the time the 17th falls on holy week, and being a Catholic Family it isn't right to celebrate your birthday on the week Jesus is persecuted and killed. 

i'm turning 21, and yes i am very much thankful for the blessings i've received in the past year. healing. love. peace. accomplishment. growth. development. but looking at the bleakness of tomorrow, and the coming days, there doesn't seem much to celebrate. if ever M. gets to read this, he'll blast me with the optimism that is characteristic of him. he'll tell me, "at least be thankful you're alive". and yes I am. but...the big but...i was just expecting so much more. you know? perhaps this sadness is emanating from unfulfilled wishes and expectations. 

comparing my birthday last year, i had such a blast. scenarios are the same. we were gearing up to serve in YE6. but prior to my birthday i was learning how to feel again. that was when i met M.. i was learning how to walk on my two feet without the crutches of Joven by my side. i received a bouquet of flowers on my birthday. and that isnt a common occurrence. i got so much in well wishing and prayers. a deluge of them all. but this year people are too busy, too worried, to anxious, to sit down and celebrate with me. it doesn't have to be big. it doesn't even have to be anything. just a cupcake, a candle, and people who matter most. a few laughs, a worry free environment. just to take a few moments out of that day to join me in saying "thank God for one more year.". i won't even be having the entire day because alongside my friends, i will be serving for the YE weekend. i'm giving the rest of the day and the entire weekend to God. 

i was just hoping for more. you know? not this uncertainty. not this worry. not this melancholy. not this sadness. not this at all. 

_____________________________________________________________

to share the email that ate kathy sent me, perhaps the message will hit some other day.

Birthday's need to be celebrated.  I think it is more important to celebrate a birthday than a successful exam, a promotion, or a victory.  Because to celebrate a birthday means to say to someone:  "Thank you for being you."  Celebrating a birthday is exalting life and being glad for it.   On a birthday we do not say:  "Thanks for what you did or said, or accomplished."  We say:  "Thank you for being born and being among us."

On birthdays we celebrate the present.  We do not complain about what happened or speculate about what will happen, but we lift someone up and let everyone say:  "We love you."

Celebrating a birthday reminds us of the goodness of life, and in this spirit we really need to celebrate people's birthdays every day, by showing gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness, and affection.  These are ways of saying, "It's good that you are alive; it's good that you are walking with me on this earth.  Let's be glad and rejoice.  This is the day that  God has made for us to be and to be together.

- Henry Nouwen

The Wishlist

**repost with editing from Multiply Blog

in one of my boring subjects, as is the case when i make these lists, i thought of my birthday wishes.

twenty one things for my twenty first birthday. funny i dont usually make these kinds of lists, i find them begging to much, but i had so much success last year. and it wasn't even deliberate, some of them were of course, but some were just coincidental. by claiming things i guess, you really do get to achieve them somehow.

so here goes.

1. retreat (April 17-19 | YE Weekend)

2. flowers (April 17 | Martin)

3. chocolate cake (April 17 | Martin)

4. book [judith mcnaught/jude deveraux] (February 28,2009 | Martin)

5. job (April | RCBC)

6. brooklyn pizza

7. high heeled shoes (March 27 | Mom)

8. surprise party (April 17 | Nina)

9. a new pair of pants

10. bikini

11. 5 lbs less

12. travel adventure [anywhere fun!] (April 3-6 | With Family) (April 21-24 | Martin, Mia, JA)

13. pierce my ears one more time [2nd hole]

14. a new phone (February 1, 2009)

15. cute beautiful notebook to keep my thoughts in

16. rubber shoes [running]

17. original copy of a movie [one of my favorites]

18. hillsong cd [latest album]

19. a romantic dinner underneath a full moon [with dancing]

20. silver ring [to replace an old one] (April 17 | Martin)

21. a new camera [point and shoot]