Flowers of Bedlam

i took this photo of fireworks near my house. they remind me of flowers. in a surreal way. i'm looking forward to what 2009 has to offer. it would undoubtedly be a  year of many things including my graduation. it would be a year of triumphs, and perhaps a few pitfalls. but i am more hopeful for this year that i was for 2008. there is a new dawn brewing, a dawn that is bright. and like these flower-esque fireworks taking in sparks of their own kind, i'll be absorbing more of the light than of the darkness.

this is a year for shining. for improving. for loving. for smiling. for glowing.

Let Me Go

One more kiss could be the best thing

Or one more lie could be the worst

And all these thoughts are never resting

And your not something I deserve

CHORUS

In my head there's only you now

This world falls on me

In this world there's real and make believe

And this seems real to me

And you love me but you don't know who I am

I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand

And you love me but you don't know who I am

So let me go, let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for

And I turn my back on loving you

How can this love be a good thing

And I know what I'm going through

CHORUS

In my head there's only you now

This world falls on me

In this world there's real and make believe

And this seems real to me

And you love me but you don't know who I am

I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand

And you love me but you don't know who I am

So let me go, just let me go, let me go

And no matter how hard I try

I can't escape these things inside

I know, I know

But all the pieces fall apart

You will be the only one who knows, who knows

You love me but you don't know who I am

I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand

And you love me but you don't know who I am

So let me go, just let me go

(you don't know)

You love me but you don't 

You love me but you don't 

(you don't know)

You love me but you don't know who I am

(you don't know)

You love me but you don't 

You love me but you don't 

(you don't know)

You love me but you don't know me 

** by 3 Doors Down

binding. limiting. restricting.

space. solitude. alone.

push.away.

ward.off.

be. me. 

just. me.

me.

Break Even

while market-ing with my mom a while ago this song played on the radio. It's a break up song, admitedly, but the thoughts in this song was what i was thinking about a few years back, when things were pretty bleak. I'm thinking back now because the person I am now is in a so much better place. So happy to report that I've broken even. I've finally struck a balance between the good and the bad, and after dark years I finally have sunshine. A glorious glow of happiness and well being. :)

**some bolded parts were past feelings, at the moment I am everything but. :)

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in

Coz I got time while she [he] got freedom

Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst

She finally met a man that's gonna put her first [this is me now]

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping

Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even no

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?

What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK?

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop me bleeding

Coz she's moved on  [amen!] while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks no it dont break even, even, no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?

What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK?

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame

Now I'm trying to make sense of what little remains

Coz you left with no love, with no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in

Coz I got time while she got freedom

Coz when a heart breaks no it don't break even

No it don't break, no it dont break even, no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?

What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK?

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

**Break Even by The Script

Reminisce with Music

i decided to update my songs by adding a few classics. I added songs from my childhood which includes the likes of Weezer and Vertical Horizon. Stocked up as well on some Papa Roach and Stephen Speaks. Eclectic you could say. I don't know these songs remind me of how free flowing my childhood was. I was like a sponge just absorbing anything and deeming them vital sources of information. When I watched Jason Biggs and Mina Suvari in Loser I was hooked. By that time too I was singing along with Teenage Dirtbag. Papa Roach's Last Resort was my first and official introduction to rock music. Along with Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit. These were my Woodrose days too. Come St. Scho it was all Bring It On along with the cheerdancing moves. I remember we'd sing along to Stephen Speak's Pasenger Seat complete with voicing. We'd listen in the car going to school and it would be our sound track the entire day. Music must've really ruled my life with the way I'm reminiscing  about things. 

A few nights ago, on my way home with M. i heard "Out of My League" and sang along to it. It reminded me of what I was like 5 years back and how I thought the guy I liked then was out of my league. There was Kiss Me by Sixpence NonetheRicher and how I hoped like nothing else that M. would be there to kiss me too...out of the bearded barley, lightly beside the green green grass. I added Stop! by the Spice Girls too and it reminded me of the time we karaoke-d at Paolo Banaga's house and the girls went crazy. I have a video to prove it. Come senior year it was all Hillsong Songs because I just finished LSS and was about to take my YE. Until now I'm hooked on them. So much of the important things in my life have a song or a piece of lyric attached to them. There's Bakit Ngayon ka Lang with the memories of summer love. There's You by the Carpenters that reminds me of the Pioneers. There as well was that OPM phase where it was all about Moonstar88 and Parokya ni Edgar. 

Moments like this, when I'm trying to forget the troublesome and instead remember the good, music really does hit the spot. Right now "Deeply in Love" is playing and it reminds me of Jules. I'll go this way for a while. Need the "me" time. 

Surprise Surprise

It has always been said that prayer is the best foundation for a relationship. Often times great differences arise when people of different religions come together. I'm not saying of course that inter-religious couples dont work, it's just more challenging.

After reading "By the River Piedra I Sat and Wept", the struggle to find themselves in the midst of a religious encounter prompted me to ask, why not M. and me. We do come from the same religious backround. Roman Catholic. However the way we practice is entirely different. He is a staunch traditionalist. Which means he is very structured, following A.C.T.S. and all that. Very contemplative and quiet. Self reflective. I am very charismatic. Meaning a lot of movement, euphoric events. Gifts of the Holy Spirit which manifests in divine ways. I raise my hands in prayer-- very loud and prophetic. Although we do not criticize the other, middle ground is hard to find. I think in his opinion the charismatic way is too out there. The hand raising and the shouting of "Alleluia" might seem very different. To me, the traditional way is very stale and doesn't feed enough of my senses to be fulfilling. But the one thing we do have in common is prayer.

I was talking to him a while ago and as it happens often, we talk about us. He gave a very unusual request, one that caught me of guard simply because I didn't expect it of him and it was something I have been wanting for a while I just didnt know how to approach it. He asked if we could pray together before sleeping at night. I was really surprised. It is a comforting feeling to know we want the same things in life, perhaps in different proportions, but the same nonetheless. It may be too early to tell, us celebrating only four months tomorrow, but I have a good feeling about this. We're changing together which is a good think. Growing together makes the experience more worthwhile and complete. Tonight will be the first night we'll give the prayer thing a try. I have hopes for us. What a nice way to cap off the Christmas Season.

Emmanuel, God is with us.

Human by The Killers

i'm in a hurry at the moment but ill post a lengthier blog to this when i get home. this song, aside from its quirky melody really has more substance with its lyrics. Read through it and tell me what you think. 

The Killers Human Lyrics:

I did my best to notice 

when the call came down the line 

up to the platform of surrender 

I was brought but I was kind 

and sometimes I get nervous 

when I see an open door 

close your eyes, clear your heart 

cut the cord 

are we human or are we dancer 

my sign is vital, my hands are cold 

and I'm on my knees 

looking for the answer 

are we human or are we dancer 

pay my respects to grace and virtue 

send my condolences to good 

give my regards to soul and romance 

they always did the best they could 

and so long to devotion, 

you taught me everything I know 

wave good bye, wish me well 

you gotta let me go 

are we human or are we dancer 

my sign is vital, my hands are cold 

[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/OOUW ]

and I'm on my knees 

looking for the answer 

are we human or are we dancer 

will your system be all right 

when you dream of home tonight 

there is no message we're receiving 

let me know is your heart still beating 

are we human or are we dancer 

my sign is vital, my hands are cold 

and I'm on my knees 

looking for the answer 

you've gotta let me know 

are we human or are we dancer 

my sign is vital, my hands are cold 

and I'm on my knees 

looking for the answer 

are we human 

or are we dancer 

are we human or are we dancer 

are we human or are we dancer

* There has been considerable confusion and debate over the line 
"Are we human or are we dancer?" in the song's chorus. Many have 
incorrectly heard "denser" instead of "dancer", a change which 
significantly alters the interpretation of the song's meaning. 
On the band's official website, the biography section states 
that Flowers is singing "Are we human, or are we dancer?" and 
also says that the lyrics were inspired by a disparaging 
comment made by Hunter S. Thompson about how America was raising 
a generation of dancers.

Christmas Blues

the christmas season is winding down and with it starts the countdown for school work to start. my first week back would be a very hectic one. handling a bazaar plus numerous long tests and case studies will be what is awaiting me and numerous of my friends the first week back. however there is still one last hurrah for christmas and that would be tomorrow, HAGIBIS REUNION.

I've always looked forward to this reunion. My dad's high school barkada called themselves the HAGIBIS and as the years gone by they made a conscious effort to keep the communications lines open. as a result their individual families, especially those that reside in manila, meet up every christmas time for a reunion of sorts. My reasons for being all excited for it have varied across time. Well of course majority of the years was because Ivan was going to be there. Him being my childhood crush and all. But this year it's different. I dont quite know how to explain it but I guess this is the year of transition. Amazing enough the original Hagibis did very little for the planning of the even, which is tomorrow. Only perhaps to say that the reunion would be on the 28th and that Tito Mannix offered his house. Ate Cheska, Tito Mannix's eldest, asked me to help her with the organizing. Well more of dumped it on my lap. hahaha But that's okay I really liked doing work. So I texted all my titos re: the reunion asking if they'd be able to make it. I got a tepid response though but that doesnt deter the hype. I've been thinking of all this parlor games for the kids even asking Kumag's help so I dont do this alone. It's quiete amazing to see transition in action don't you think?

So the only thing that's holding me back is this horrible cold and a very tired spirit. If it weren't for this I'd be the party butterfly tomorrow. Oh well.

A date on two wheels

Yup it was christmas yesterday. Yup spent Christmas eve stuffing myself with the noche buena meal meaning mashed potatoes, steak, spaghetti and salad. To top it all off M. invited me to have lunch in his lola's house the next day. So as he suggested we exercise first before leaving for Forbes. 

Since he hasn't seen me using the Christmas gift he gave me what better way to spend time than by biking around the area. I have to confess haven't really been on a bike in a long time. This month has the been the only serious biking I've done in quite some time and not a very religious one at that. Sporadic biking doesn't really get you anywhere so I told M. to be a little bit careful around me. He promised sure, no serious roadways just around the village. On the top of my head I was thinking maybe 30minutes biking would be good. That would burn out all the stuff I ate prior. 

Surprise. Surprise.

We biked for almost 2 hours for a distance of 30kilometers. Me on the racer and him on a mountain bike. It was a really really fun date. I have to admit I'm competitive and really wanted to race him. But of course you never show your true colors on the first try. Maybe when I'm a little better at this I'll challenge him. We even reached all the way to westgate, all the way to Palms. Keeping inside my village's roads wasn't enough I guess that we decided to have our own adventure. I've never been outside the perimeter walls of A.Hills so cruising along Zapote until Madrigal took guts and courage on my side and an immense trust that M. won't get me killed. We didn't die. Proof is I'm writing this blog now. We did have fun though. There is a short incline after the Palm's entrance near Laguna Heights where we concluded our adventure. We found a real safe and deserted road near Manongs to do some lappings. M. says 5 laps of that road would be good training. 

My success yesterday makes it seem possible I could join a duathalon...bike-run. M. says, I'm taking his word for it since I don't trust myself, I could even try a triathlon. That means I have to work on the swimming part. I'm not that much a water baby, as my baby is. Wow yesterday's exercise-capade really open my eyes to the possibility of actually joining these kinds of competitions. That's me going out of my comfort zone right there, taking myself on a limb. Let's see. 2009 can hold a multitude of posibilities.

keeping my eyes on the prize: killer legs and an ass!!

My Unfortunate Kind of Christmas is Beginning

you see another way for me to gauge whether or not Christmas is here is when my mom starts having her menopausal fits. Yup it doesnt matter to think that menopause was a few year back, it doesn't bear much to know she should be done with the symptoms by now...like irritability and the like. because it's scarier to think that this kind of person is who she really is. 

Her mood swings are perennially there. It changes fast and its range is wide. Whoever and whenever it suits it happens. She just came home from a retreat this afternoon. Yes a retreat. A time when you're supposed to be calm, collected and blessed. her first words were "Magusap usap tayo. Wala kasi kayong pakialamanan sa isa't isa..". Hi to you too mom, right? And if you think this kind of thinking is going to ease up as the countdown to Christmas edges on, you are thinking wrong. She just came back for round two. I've learned from experience you just keep quiet and take it in. Regardless. Wait round three....four...five is about to start.

The Party

I went out for a dinner last night. I was the first one there. Nicky and I started talking. catching up for old time's sake about the improvements in each other's lives. then we got to talking about the future...about things unsure.

you see he's been to my future. what i mean to say is that he has experienced what it would be like for me two years down the road. he knows the heartaches involved with being left behind, also with being the one who leaves loved ones behind. i asked how he did it. how much it took out of him. out of Pat to exist that way for that duration a time. I asked what it felt like living miles and miles away. with nothing but a phone call to transmit love. he said it was excruciating.

how do i wrestle with this? this pain that i thought i already had a healthy grasp of. that was wishful thinking on my part I guess. an innocent naive part of my brain convincing me of what strength i thought i had. Honestly, having the night to think things through, I don't know what it would be like. How would i conquer the loneliness the vulnerability? i woke up this morning with fear inside me. this really scares me. to give so much of yourself and to realize that time, as it ebbs into tomorrow, is so precious and few. each second, each minute, each ticked down hour...how many more of those do I have left?

he's left my radius today. and it has offered me a glimpse of what it could feel like. here i am trying to get used to a quiet that is chilling.

The Runner's Hype

I browsed through my multiply account today and saw Yves entry on his running experience. [click] Thanks to M. there are now two people who are in a constant hype of running or biking. While reading through Yves' entry and the achievements he has had along the way...goal distance of 15k a week makes me remember what i was like just a few months back. Earlier this year my exercise constituted going up and down staircases to attend classes or dancing for the occassional YoDa presentation. That wasn't much. Additionally it wasn't even constant to begin with. So because of that a middle buldge had begun to settle. 

Ever since MTR, thanks to M. and my first taste of finishing a 5k run in less than an hour I got hooked. I tried if schedule permited to run at least 3x a week. Ideal exercise to get results would be 30minutes 4x a week. Of course this would change, studies come first. But once I got a taste of the running bug even if I was sick I wanted to run. Something inside me would berate me for not being able to step outside the house and start sweating. Yves led me to another site [click] of a, would you believe it, female runner in her early 30's. Ironicallly, or coincidentally, she lives just in Ayala Alabang. Her success stories, which are what litters her site, with running and the different races she's joined since starting out last year are what is surprising. Gives me this tinge of hope knowing that I too, perhaps by next year, would be able to reach her pinnacles and soar the heights she has. Someday right? I'm including some photos from the bullrunner's site. Inspiring really. Gets me moving. 

Keeping the head in the game: Killer legs and an ass!!

my 100th post

auspicious at is seems that my 100th post in blog spot coincides with me being able to finish 10k in 24.30minutes on bike.

pat on the back sab! :)

A little protein called LAMININ

i think it was august...or sometime early on in the school year when Ate Kath showed me a video series by Louie Giglio called "How Great is our God". I don't think i can find the entire series in youtube, so i will just share the important part on a little protein called LAMININ.

i also took the liberty of adding a photo of what this tiny, molecular sized protein looks like. from google images.

Twilight

I just finished watching the movie care of Mia. She downloaded it because she knew how much i wanted to see it. i've never ever read the book, despite the hype my sister had for it. i've never really known the story the only knowledge i had of it was that it was about vampires. that's exactly why i didnt want to read it. i dont care much for the sci-fi, mystical literature in our popculture. added to that my older friends found the movie too girly, saying Edward was a glorified fairy that glowed in the sunlight.

but i watched it.

and i loved it.

i really did.

sitting here in matteo and waiting for our ride to green meadows for yet another all-nigher for LS i decided to unwind. the movie was a bit lagging and there were some really slow scenes but wow the love story, the part that i adore the most, was really great. most of the time i was texting M. how much i missed him and stuff because watching a romantic movie and not being able to share it with my romantic other really frustrates me. symbolically the movie reminds me of M. and i. not being able to be completely together and yet choosing to do so despite differences and obstacles. love conquering boundaries and being the elixir of our strengths.

yeah i sound like some love-sick fool. and perhaps i am. but its the after currents of watching the movie. man showing his strength. man trying to avoid girl. girl trying to understand man. girl trying to be ms. independent. man not being able to resist. girl not helping him resist.

the patterns are just so very very parallel.

SJRM has a blog?

during a totally random period today..i decided to be really really vain and google myself. don't ask how many hits i got. apparently i'm not nearly as famous as the rest of you, but i found a site where my entire family was found in. apparently St. James Parish Renwal Movement has a blog. 

i didnt really get to browse through it in its entirety but on the right hand side of the page are all the marriage encounter and family encounter classes. that's why my family was found in the site, as members of FE13. unfortunately, my name wasn't placed right. yup...i am known as "Karinna". and to think i've been a member of this ministry, this apostolate, this movement for 5 years now. haven't left that big a mark yet i guess. :)

why is it though that i don't know about this blog? i'm not even sure the members of "THE JOURNEY" are aware that there already exists an online publication for SJRM. politics has interplayed once more in church and causing divisions where theres should be none. i should bring this up to Tito Freddie or at least some writers in the journey. because if ever you did get to visit the site, it is very empty and seems like nothing more than a glorified announcement chart. it doesnt really capture what we are as a church, as a community, as a movement. no photos of members, no personal comments, and the fact that maybe a lot of us memeber don't even know it exists is a factor. 

hmm...i shall think this through...

I never thought that I had any more to give

while watching tv last night i chanced upon Gavin Rosedale's song "Love Remains the Same" for the "Nights in Rodanthe" movie. I never did get the chance to watch it while it was showing in the theatres but after watching the MTV my intrests have been piqued. I'm sure any movie with Richard Gere in it is a guaranteed heart stopper. he is my ultimate aged-beautifully crush! :) His eyes are just piercing and when he smiles... *swoon*...his face just gets this rosy glow.

anyway enough about the talking about other guys. hahaha what i liked was the song. the words are really nice and quite evocative. hence my title taken from the song itself. 

A thousand times I've seen you standing 

Gravity like lunar landing 

You make me want to run till' I find you 

I shut the world away from here 

I drift to you, you're all I hear 

As everything we know fades to black 

Half the time the world is ending 

Truth is I am done pretending 

I never thought that I 

Had anymore to give 

You're pushing me so far 

Here I am without you 

Drink to all that we have lost 

Mistakes we have made 

Everything will change 

But love remains the same 

I find a place where we escape 

Take you with me for the space 

The city buzz sounds just like a fridge 

I walk the streets through seven bars 

I have to find just where you are 

The faces seem to blur 

They're all the same 

Half the time the world is ending 

Truth is I am done pretending 

I never thought that I 

Had anymore to give 

You're pushing me so far 

Here I am without you 

Drink to all that we have lost 

Mistakes we have made 

Everything will change 

But love remains the same 

So much more to say 

So much to be done 

Don't you trick me out 

We shall overcome 

It's all left still to play 

We should've had the sun 

Could have been inside 

Instead we're over here 

Half the time the world is ending 

Truth is I am done pretending 

Too much time too long defending 

You and I are done pretending 

I never thought that I 

Had anymore to give 

You're pushing me so far 

Here I am without you 

Drink to all that we have lost 

Mistakes we have made 

Everything will change 

Everything will change 

I, oh I, 

I wish this could last forever 

I, oh I, 

As if we could last forever 

Love remains the same 

Love remains the same

From LYRICSMODE.COM lyrics archive

Lyrics | Gavin Rossdale lyrics - Love Remains The Same lyrics

Deeply In Love

three years ago Jules made a video for the Youth Apostolate. It was meant to show case how the youth has grown so far and to somewhat a teaser for the incoming Youth Encounter participants. I remember at that time we just finished One Way and we were all on a high. Deeply In Love by Hillsong was one of the songs used in the video. If only i know how to upload a video properly i'd do so. I'm trying this video uploader in blogspot i hope it works. 

Yes i was the main character..when i was much thinner and had longer hair. :) appearances by most of the old youth: active and inactive. some other songs in the video are Still by Hillsong. Ill try to update if i remember the rest of the songs. it was deeply in love that touched my heart as of late. I love how the lyrics go ..."You have stolen my heart...I'm captivated by You...". Enjoy the videos. Don't laugh too much!!hahaha

In my life You`ve heard me say
I love You
How do I show You it`s true
hear my heart, it longs for more of You..
I`ve fallen deeply in love with You..

You have stolen my heart
I`m captivated by You
Never will you and I part
I`ve fallen deeply in love with You

You and I, together forever
Nothing can, stand in the way
My love for You, grows stronger
each new day.
I`ve fallen deeply in love with You

You have stolen my heart
I`m captivated by You
Never will you and I part
I`ve fallen deeply in love with You

Jesus, you've stolen my heart
I`m captivated by You
Never will you and I part
I`ve fallen deeply in love with You

Biking Record

i took my xmas gift from M. for a second test drive today and decided to push my limits. so i took the car out first to measure 10k worth of road and mapped my route. so here's my benchmark ladies and gentlemen...

10k in 29.31minutes. :) yeay!!

Went for a Run

i went for a run a while ago...not to exercise but to vent out some anger. i was supposed to have a date with M. today but scheduling and logistics just didnt work out. I've been having a lot of cases of that lately...wanting to be in two places at the same time. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to be anywhere but home, I wanted to be outside. 

so yes out of anger i finished 2k in 20 minutes full of sprints up hills. anger is a good motivational tool apparently. just not something i'd like to use often. 

the wind is blowing strongly outside. cool crisp air. december is really here. and it reminds me of the own coldness inside me. disappointment does that to me. i just placed too much hope in one thing-- one date. i don't know when the next one will be. that's the downside with M.. we're apart more often than we are together, that moments we have as a couple are savored. it really isn't his fault. nor am i blaming him. i guess it's fate's hand reminding me that things aren't ever permanent.