The Party

I went out for a dinner last night. I was the first one there. Nicky and I started talking. catching up for old time's sake about the improvements in each other's lives. then we got to talking about the future...about things unsure.

you see he's been to my future. what i mean to say is that he has experienced what it would be like for me two years down the road. he knows the heartaches involved with being left behind, also with being the one who leaves loved ones behind. i asked how he did it. how much it took out of him. out of Pat to exist that way for that duration a time. I asked what it felt like living miles and miles away. with nothing but a phone call to transmit love. he said it was excruciating.

how do i wrestle with this? this pain that i thought i already had a healthy grasp of. that was wishful thinking on my part I guess. an innocent naive part of my brain convincing me of what strength i thought i had. Honestly, having the night to think things through, I don't know what it would be like. How would i conquer the loneliness the vulnerability? i woke up this morning with fear inside me. this really scares me. to give so much of yourself and to realize that time, as it ebbs into tomorrow, is so precious and few. each second, each minute, each ticked down hour...how many more of those do I have left?

he's left my radius today. and it has offered me a glimpse of what it could feel like. here i am trying to get used to a quiet that is chilling.