compartments

ever wonder why life, or reality for that matter, always has to be organized? everything has to have it's place, everything has to have an order. at a very young age, it was impressed upon us that things, or whatever object, must have an arrangement. you'll see us lined-up by height, divided into girls or boys, categorized by age and so much more. homework exercises would be to arrange things from biggest to smallest, from first to last-- the list is positively endless.

it doesnt get any easier when we grow up, people will still be separated by sex in the MRT, offices are compartmentalized, drawers were invented, dividers created. why must there be compartments? can't live just be one big, hazy, lovely MESS?

ive always prided myself in being a very organized person, to the point that i'm a mild case of OCB. i have everything you could possibly need in my pencil case, my notes have margins, everything has to look aesthetically (if not symmetrically) beautiful. you could say clutter of any kind is an enemy of mine.

but im realizing, life is beautiful with a little mess. it shouldnt always be spik'n'span all the time, in fact relish the nitty gritty of it. pain and hurts shouldnt be thrown away like garbage, or forcefully placed in drawers underneath all the paper work. what i'm saying is that, pain and hurt, albeit being ugly is not to be discarded but faced--and fazed. true courage, i must add, isnt found in the ability to hide the pain so cleverly but the ability to admit to it and finally conquer it.

our hearts have compartments. that cannot be denied. and it does help to put things in order and perspective. but perhaps before you forever hide an embarrassing instance in the dark recesses of your mind, look at it--stare at it--trace the cracks and scratches, remember it and LEARN from it, then finally--push it in a tiny box to be hidden forever.

as some people have said, the only was to stop history from repeating itself is to learn from past mistakes.

the joy of christmas

on my first official day of Christmas vacation i notice that my Christmas countdown has now dwindled down into a single digit number less than five. yes, four more days till Christmas.

i remember when i was a kid, the tree would literally be bursting with presents and i'd secretly peek through the wrapping to know what material goodies I'd have this year. in an attempt to curb my need for temptation, my mom would allow me to only "open" ONE gift per day starting on the night of simbang gabi. of course i wouldn't open the gifts entirely, only enough to know if the contents would be a toy, a dress, a bag, etc. that was how excited i was about Christmas! everything would be different, even the weather cooperated by blowing cool gusts of wind and making the stars twinkle brighter. this particular holiday is my favorite one.

fast forwarding to ten years later, i find myself once more being that starstruck and fascinated child. although there are exponentially less gifts to secretly open this year, the abundance of friends and memories make up for the lack. examining how my year has been, i am happy to report that although it has been rough and very challenging, i find myself to be stronger albeit lazier.

yesterday during philosophy class, my very hard to please teacher afforded me a compliment that perhaps other people would find weird. our topic of discussion was levinas and evil & christmas and evil. at the end of a lengthy monologue he asked the class in passing what season of the liturgical calendar are we celebrating right now. and without thinking i answered "advent". and he looked at me and continued asking "which we celebrate for how long?" in reply i said "four weeks", and he returned " and on the third sunday we celebrate..." and i answered "gaudete Sunday". (and here the compliment enters) he ends our verbal sparring by saying "yes as Isabel from ACMG said we celebrate on the third Sunday of advent gaudete....". the words "as isabel from acmg said.." rang in my head as a form of praise. here was a teacher that seemed so untouchable, because of reputation, noticed my vocation in life: to lead a life that is God centered and God filled. to equate my name to that of an organization that shares this vocation was high praise indeed.

those few words brightened up my day. because even if i had a finance test to worry about three hours later, or a blister on my foot that hurt like hell, here was someone who saw, in a way, that i was making something of my life: something that is productive and not wasteful. actually the point of this whole rant is to share to all those who might glance upon this, the realization sir jc uy imparted to us with the violent use of BABEL. that despite all the pain and hate and discomfort we feel in life, love is always there to be found. love may never be on time when we need it but it is there fleetingly to caress aches and pains of our human souls. (okay those aren't his words per se im sharing them to you in how i understood them)

and that is my Christmas gift to all of you: in the joy of Christmas and in a time of happiness let us not forget those who are less fortunate and less graced. let us be the quicksilver love that they will experience during our gaudete as Christians. merry Christmas to all! :)

disposable

in life nothing is ever constant except change as the famous adage goes. and here i am, thinking i was steady only to find out the winds have changed once more. i find myself once more in that position of being left alone, perhaps the only difference is that now it's a different man.

i thought he was different from all the other guys who have broken my heart. well lately he seemed different. he was the first ever person to break my heart, and since that august four years ago we've been closer than ever. i was naive to think that he was exempt from all the other boys who would trample on me. he is special to me, perhaps even more than any other boy. he has known me inside and out, or so it seemed. in the nineteen years we've known each other it seems he doesnt even know my moods. last night was the cherry on the proverbial icing. i was fed excuse after excuse, i dont even know if i should believe them.

im probably making mountains out of mole hills, im probably exaggerating the whole thing but i looked at him as my savior. he was the one guy i could completely trust, beyond and above all things. and at a time i needed him, he wasnt there. why do people disappoint you like this? why do people put so little effort on you? why do they take you for granted?

ive been looking to be understood for so long. to be the one carried instead of the one carrying. ive been hungering to be loved just as much as i have loved. ive been searching for that someone. after joven hurt me i thought i had gotten back on my feet. but it seems that even if i trust and love back i will always be disposable.