Nights in Rodanthe

i just finished watching the movie, and although I have never had the chance to read the book I'm pretty sure the story line still goes the same. the first thing that drew me to the movie was the fact Richard Gere would be starrin in it, and the other thing was it was written by Nicholas Sparks. Of all his books I've only read two, and both have been tear jerkers. I expected this to be the same however I did not anticipate how much the story would remind me of myself.

Adrienne.

I was Adrienne. For a very long time I was stuck in the routines of life. Of doing things because they were mechanical. School was something I'd go to Mondays to Fridays, worry about on occassion but most of the time disregard. My love life was the same. I was so used to saying I love you that it never really meant anything anymore. Seeing Joven's face became so common place, that I just accepted things as they were. I went with the flow simply because it was easier, not having to think at all. I was a robot in a monotonous life that showed some fulfillment, but it wasnt enough.

I needed something to jolt me. To move me into an existence that i deserved. Stepping out of the comforts of this robotic life was a hard step, a complicated one. How do you shake off four years of habituation? How do you just shed four years of dust and atrophied muscles? I didn't event think I could do it. It took me a while to remember how to really smile again, how to have silent glances and girly giggles. It took me a while recognize what a true life could be like.

Rodanthe.

I too had my own Rodanthe. A place where I could escape the bindings of monotony and feel vitality once more ebb into the shell I called myself. I don't remember how it started, I don't recall the exact moment, but I do remember the wondrous feeling of peace. For the first time, in a very long time, I was able to wake up without a burden on my shoulders. I didn't, at first, recognize what it meant to be free. I no longer felt ashamed, embarassed, unloved, taken forgranted, disgraced. I realized my worth, what I was as a person. When something huge hits you, sometimes in the shock of things you finally see your surrounding in clarity. My life flashed before me in clarity, in a distinct, unbiased way I saw myself for what I was. I was pitiful. In an effort to be merciful and selfless I gave too much of me for a cause that wasn't worth it any longer. In the purity of the moment I saw my selflessness as a disgrace to myself, and my self-worth. You have no idea how much I questioned my value in this life. I doubted my dignity, and I couldnt in all honesty respect the person I saw staring back at me in the mirror. Whenever I saw my face the only thing starring back at me was failure, and I appropriated every action, thought and deed to this. 

To get back on my own to feet required a lot of hard work, a struggle that I still have to undergo today. Everytime something reminds me of the past, there are still moments where I find myself thinking how I used to. I still second guess myself whether or not I'm enough. Sometimes I sink back to the darkness, I berate myself for not being enough. But today, after the movie, I am reminded of my own simple victories and how much it effort it took to get here. No one in this world will love me as I deserve except God. He can choose to manifest it through other people, but it is only through him will i find what i'm looking for.

Last night was a tough one for me. I felt the foundations of my new life crashing around me once more because past wounds have a way of resurfacing. And it is only now that I am reminded that there is a promise for me, one I must claim, that I will be fulfilled. I will be cared for. I will be understood. I will be loved.

I pick up the phone to call M. up, just to feel another human's voice. He is part and parcel of this utopia I am glimpsing. For this I am thankful.

The Run

martin and i joined the Ateneo Aquathlon yesterday morning. I loved the rush. :)

Thank You

feeling musical once more and nostalgic. i drove to school today browsing through the different radio stations. it's wave back wednesday for Wave 89.1, so that means songs of my generation. Generation Y. :)

Dido's songs played today. She became famous partly because of Eminem for Stan and also because her song was in the OST of Rockwell, which was the craze at that time. Yup Dr Izzy Stevens was Isabel, the alien. You never really graduate from a name don't you? Also because of this my name became d'rigeur for new parents to call their female children. So at that time, late 90's [?], there was a proliferation of Isabel's everywhere of different spellings but just the same sound.

However I've digressed once more. "Thank You" played today and while singing to it, i was reminded of my Grade 7 life. It feels so long ago, at such an alternate time. Where I thought I was old and yet it seems I was just too young. I remember reading fanfiction in the back row, dancing ballroom PE, falling into puppy love, going out to movies with girl friends and so much more. What a few years can make, dont you think??

Thank You lyrics
My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today
I'm late for work again
and even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the
day
and then you call me and it's not so bad
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last and I'm soaking through and
through
then you handed me a towel and all I see is you
and even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue
because you're near me and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

Boxes

i am a sentimental fool, the kind that hoards all these useless things simply because there's a memory of some sort attached to it. and i've been doing this for years. one of my most prized posessions in this life are my boxes. I don't remember how it started but ever since I can remember I would keep all these trinkets of mine in boxes until they were so full you couldn't possibly stuff it even more.

I remember when I was ten, as a childhood hobby me and a friend decided to decorate boxes where we would keep the letters we'd send each other. we were a troupe of three so that would mean a lot of exchange letters as the summer dragged on and our adventures took flight. hers was all done pretty in frilly colors and the latest models. Mine was an old shoe box covered with stock exchange graphs and a pink ribbon. this may have been prophetic since i now major in management economics but i loved my box. the dynamic trio, nikki patricia and i, would write each other every day for that summer [1998??] and we'd promise to keep it all in our individual boxes. of course as the years went by the letters dwindled between us three and the paper boxes deteriorated. I'm sorry to say that I no longer have the pioneer box but the habit of keeping my memories in them has not changed. over the years some friends or suitors would hear of this fascination of mine and would gift me with a box, something to store my valuables in.

in the ten or so years i've been doing it i've accumulated 5 boxes as of late. three of them filled to the brim, one almost so and the fifth one contains the beginning of a new set of memories. i have one box that contains all my debut things like the letters i got, the container of the only cake i was able to eat that day and other small things like gift wrappers and gift tags. today i placed two important things in the box i will label the dreamer. it's the valentine's day card i got from M. and a photo he took of the gummy bears [see other post] which reminds him of my ideal photo. it's a fresh start and as i put the red lid on this polka dotted sort i wonder how many more things can i place inside. in a few days time ill be adding the royce box to the mix and perhaps another card -- the friday the thirteenth gift. :) 

the boxes of my life. remeniscent of the old school charm of having bauls inlaid with capiz and crafted with intricate designs. 

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

she's a writer. amazing words. philosophical thoughts. i rediscovered her once more as i browsed through my Facebook account. a friend of mine posted a note about her. curiosity took the better of me and i, without hesitation, clicked on the link. what happened next is what i call a "literary epiphany". now i know why ate kathy's been pushing me to read her, just as she was pushing me to read coelho.

I think in Oriah I have found yet another artistic idol. the way she streams her thoughts to create rivers whose depths are so full of meaning and vitality. such depth i'm itching to swim in. the maturity in her writing, that is intersected with profound thoughts without being too philosophic is the writing style i want to emulate. to graduate from this intermediary form, into something with more weight and worth.

before writing this, I emailed the "note" i saw to M. because it reminded me so much of him. and sometimes of our relationship. we've progressed somewhat in our tandem from the honeymoon stage into something more fulfilling. in my part i've let go of the masks, the faces i have to show the general public, and instead have chosen to reveal who i am: ugly or pretty. we fight often these days. perhaps proof of our transitory move to another plateau. you relationship experts out there tell me. despite how our fights often scare me into remembering an ugly pasts, it rejuvenates me into realizing that it's a growth process. a characteristic that i'm developing into something else-- something different. this is what a relationship should be right? things havent changed so much that when i put my hand into his it still feels like a perfect fit, and when our lips meet i still fell the tingles. small things, small feelings in a bigger plane, a bigger space continuum.

here finally is the poem. sorry for the side tracked story telling.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

** From The Invitation

the run

i cut down my time by 30 seconds....

finished my run [5k] in 32.37 minutes.

goal: killer legs and an ass!! :)

Rejuvinated

i have an aquathlon with M. in two weeks time. I have not run in a month. I'm out of shape.

You know, i never really knew I had a competitive side inside me. I know what it feels like to excell, to get noticed for my achievements. I thank high school for that-- plus the immense egotistic boost it gave me. But with the recent requirements and the immense pressures put upon me I couldnt find it in myself to put one foot in fron of the other for a run.

But in 2 weeks there's a competition. One I dont intend to make a fool of myself in. One I intend to finish, not gasping for air, but in winning form. So for the next 14 days I will be running, yes running everyday. except friday this week and saturday. I will be running and pacing myself. i will be running the 5 kilometers from my house to the Zapote gate and back. and since today I made good time, i expect OF MYSELF to trim it down daily. 

guess what my time was today..??

33minutes.

That's the fastest I've done in a while. and that has to go down.

goal: killer legs and an ass!! :)

In awaiting

who would've guessed that my days are numbered? In two more weeks it would be finals, literally the final showdown before all things can be called over. The countdown to the G-day has been the only thing hovering on the minds of numerous seniors, myself included. Perhaps it's senioritis on a high, many of my classes are practically empty, students walking around in a stoic stupor, and lack of sleep are just a few of statements used to describe us. I've only had 5 hours of sleep last night, that's 3 more than my friends. And my day has just begun. After this 9-12 class, i have a group meeting for Theo, and later today I'd have to prepare what is needed for the countless presentations next week.

So yes we are in potentia. In moving towards a goal that many of us have been waiting for all our lives. from the kinetic statement i found myself in at the beginning of this year, i have finally realized that things are moving so much faster now and time no longer feels like 24 hours but shorter. This is a solstice. Time is a luxury many of us dont have anymore. As we wind down to the final stretch we experience the pressure of deadlines and final projects.

My next few months have planned to the letter. February is the most hectic. March winds down my academic career until the 28th. Then April are just a series of voluntary events. After that, who knows? My year seems to find its culmination in April.

After April, what do I do? What can I do?

...a job?
...a mini project?
...to travel?
...to apply in NYC?
...to write?

what...??

This Is Us by Keyshia Cole

Kikko recommended this song to me. He says it reminds him of M. and me. I have not been able to hear the song in completion, and in all honesty am not in the mood to do so. This isn't exactly time to be all mushy and gushy. But before I forget about it, and file it into obscurity let me jot down the lyrics and perhaps a link to the video. 

I hope I get to feel good about this song in time. It really does have nice words. Hopefully..

This Is Us 

Yeahh. Ooh Yeahh. 

I'm like a sunday morning. 

Your like friday night. 

And when we kiss its the perfect weekend, 

No rain in sight. 

And when im feelin incomplete your my missing piece. 

And when you need your breath taken away ill be your thief. 

From the start to the end we dont need to pretend 

That were perfect all the time. 

Cuz we know what we have through the good and the bad 

Its the strength that you cant deny. 

I dont need to find a million reasons why 

This is us. This is us. And this is how we love. 

Some ways we're different but together we're so right. 

This is us. This is us. And this is how we love. 

Ooh Ah. Yeah. 

And even if we fall apart we'll never feel alone. 

Just like the moon starts risin' our hearts bring us home. 

We can always find eachother like the northern star. 

Doesnt matter where we are our love cant go that far. 

From the start to the end we dont need to pretend 

That were perfect all the time. 

Cuz we know what we have through the good and the bad 

Its the strength that you cant deny. 

I dont need to find a million reasons why 

This is us. This is us. And this is how we love. 

Some ways we're different but together we're so right. 

This is us. This is us. And thats the way we love. 

We don't always see eye to eye. 

You might see a million colors. 

I just see it black and white. 

Aint no way we could get much higher 

Cuz when we touch it feels like fire 

We both know how good this feels. 

Yes we do baby because 

This is you. This is me. This is us. 

I dont need to find a million reasons why 

This is us. This is us. And this is how we love. 

Some ways were different but together we're so right. 

This is us. This is us. And this is how we love. 

Baby. This is how we love. This is us. This is us. Oooh. 

This is how we love. Yeahh.

The weekend

My weekend was not at all a mirror of what my previous week was like. Saturday M. arrived and i invited him along with me to Martin's birthday party. It would be the first time that he'd meet my friends en force, and i thought that would be the perfect time. Contrary to what he thinks I dont at all think he'd be comfortable in the prayer meeting setting. Of course he'd go, for my sake, because that's just the kind of person he is. but he wouldn't enjoy it. I also didn't want his first impression on my friends to be one that isn't idyllic. I don't exactly remember what time we got there, us gettin glost along the way. but it was okay. The first person we saw there was martin himself and that kind of set the tone. Introductions just happened left and right, until we finally enconsed ourself in our table and wrapped ourselves with the familiar. Ate Kathy and I were catching up once more, and it helped that those special to us had something in common: photography.

The next day would be Hagibis Reunion at our house. while grocery shopping my mom did something unusual, she extended an invitation to M. to come to the house for dinner. That's a very big big okay sign because my mom has never really done that to any of my brother's girl friends. If i recall this correctly. Of course M. went and that really made my night. there was an initial uncomfortable moment between him and Ivan, but that was to be expected. What i didn't expect however was the immediate sizing up of my titas and titos. It was kind of sweet of them actually. For them to look out for me this way. They've practically raised me in their own little ways, and they've known me all my life. Consensus however was that M. was and is a very good boy. He didn't stay long because he had to get home to his mom, but the few moments he was there was a really sweet and endearing gesture.

Monday was our day. Since I didnt have school I opted to spend the entire day with him. After the IBM interview I drove to his house in Magallanes for lunch and a movie. Stayed until dinner actually. It's the few moments that I'd had with him this weekend, a few in comparison to the amount of time he's away, i felt at home. I have never really had a relationship you would classify as normal. Ivan and I was illegal. The next one was as well. And now M. and I, well in so many levels it doesn't belong to the status quo. but this one feels like home. fells so blessedly normal, yet extraordinarily great. the funny thing is people don't understand the way we act. some don't accept us. the way we've come to be. but it no longer matters to me. i used to really go out of the way to change people's opinions. and that was a downward spiral to disappointment. now i just let them be. it's M and I against the world. as he has always said. and i believe him. last night, before driving home, he gave me a set of books to read. to beef up on my leadership and management literary repertoire and I found it so adorable of him. he's been one of the few person who have nourished me as a person. the other one would be ate kathy. he knows the value of improvement, a value that has become important to me as well. and for that I am grateful. things are a constant whirlwind with him, but a whirlwind of change is not necessarily bad.

i read who moved my cheese today. and it reminds me of the changes that have come in my life because of one man. I no longer hem and haw, but sniff and scurry. :)

love you dreamer.

Proud Mama

JCI Legazpi creates waves at the 2008 JCI National Convention

Posted by dusktildawn at 11/25/2008

The Junior Chamber International (JCI) is a worldwide federation of young leaders and entrepreneurs whose members are more popularly known as the Jaycees. In the recent 2008 Dakak JCI National Convention held in different venues such as Dakak, Zamboanga del Norte and Dipolog City in the south, the JCI Legazpi showed their contemporaries of over 1000 delegates from over 200 chapters around the country that when it comes to achievements, they are in a higher category all their own.

The JCI Legazpi delegation composed of President Charlie Chua, EVP Uriel Maddela, VP Internal Yves Eli Yu, VP External Martin Reynoso, JCI Sec.Gen. Sam Boviles, JCI Senator Joseph Barra, JCI Treasurer Roel Rutuerma and PP JCI Senator Noni Calleja first won the “Early Bird Award”. They have earlier won the “Most Outstanding JCI Chapter” under category 2 or those composed of 46-75 members. They placed 7th in the National JCI PEA ( Philippine Efficiency Awards) wherein points are accumulated by a chapter based on the number and quality of their projects raising their ranking from 9th the previous year. The JCI Lagazpi also garnered the “Best Environmental Award” which netted them the “Best of the Best Award”, a very notable achievement considering the significance of the project with today’s global warming phenomenon.

The prestigious “Best of the Best Award” won by JCI Legazpi was the first Coral Farm in the Bicol region using a modular design that stimulates the growth of corals from 5-10 times its normal growth. Corals are the backbone of the marine ecosystems where fishes breed. Corals are destroyed by a variety of causes among them- pollution, siltation, erosion, chemicals and ship spills, dynamite fishing and their natural predator- the crown of thorns. Without corals, there will be no fishes and all the living things in the food chain will be severely affected.

JCI Martin Reynoso, Project Chairman and inventor of the Self –contained system explained that his invention generates 3-4 volts of electricity that stimulates the growth of corals. Unlike other models that costs around $25,000, his modular design costs around P5,000 and can easily be transported to where it is needed such as oil spill areas. This corals could also be sold to aquarium owners without the need to disturb existing corals.

JCI Martin Reynoso drew his inspiration from the Jaycees creed that says, “Earth’s great treasure lies in human personality”. Fully aware of the effects of global warming and the need to protect the environment, his invention- a Modular design that is efficient, compact, portable and cheap adopted by JCI Legazpi is one great contribution to environmental protection and worthy of the “Best of the Best Award”. Indeed to Martin and JCI Legazpi, “Service to Humanity is the Best Work of Life”.