the joy after the rain

it has been gloomy in my life for the past few weeks. it was a kind of gloom that not even the strongest of lights could penetrate. i was wrapped in the arms of despair and pain. there would be nights when i couldnt even find a reason to smile. only a few people out there could touch or even reach me. there were only a few who id allow to get near. even the Word couldnt push through the thick walls that enclosed me. it was a dark place, a dreary place. and i wrote, i poured out words and etched out letters. lengthy expositions about the pain that was eating me inside i filled pages upon pages of all the hurts that no one would hear. i wrote and wrote about all the tears i wish i could cry.

looking back at that dreariness, as a friend had told me, the winter of my life. i have come to realize that it is in hibernation you find the strength to endure the heat of the summer and the bleakness of autumn. now that i feel the snow melting and the ice cracking, now that spring has entered my door, i am rejuvenated to face whatever will darken my thresholds. i am a different person now, perhaps wiser and more knowledgeable, but i dont think i will forget anytime soon the winter that has just passed. many would wish to live and forget the painful times in their lives, to bury them as proverbial skeletons in the closet. but i am not as such, i prefer to remember and yes to reminisce because it is in remembering we dont forget the mistakes. of course there is a difference between remembering the hurt and dwelling in it. in all honesty my heart is still dwelling in the pain. i admit that, but i choose not to stay in dwelling.

everyday, as time passes, the pain hurts less and i am learning to forgive. i look at joven now, not with hating but with understanding. i have come to realize that in order for "us", whatever us will be, to work we have to find ourselves first. we got too caught up in the lives we had built together that we didnt know where the other started or ended, we just knew we were joined.

in many ways, being the mother in the relationship, i smothered him until he wanted out. just as he is my opposite, his carefree attitude didnt mix well with the organized complexities of my life. now that i am wiser and hopefully more learned, i wish to strike a balance between his ying and my yang. i hope that balance is attainable. and if it isnt i hope i am strong enough to accept that there are just some things i cannot fix.