the prayer of my heart

Dear Lord,

this time it is my heart breaking. this time it is me in the darkness. this time it is me wrapped around in loneliness. i thought there were greater plans for me. i thought there was an abundance ready to unfold.

i started out this journey fresh from another discovery. i started out rejoicing over new strengths. but i now find myself left alone in the starting line. those who i shared this journey with are either too busy rediscovering themselves or too far ahead for me to catch up. im falling into this abyss and there is no one.

i know--and i have great faith-- that this will lead to yet another discovery. to yet another treasure. and i will find myself once more affirmed and reassured. (this is how i characterize my journey with you-- a series of ups and down) but i have plateaued. i find myself in another height but an even taller mountain to scale.

there is a life line here. a life line that leads to you. a life line that is the only thing keeping my head afloat. but in my feebleness and limitations i need more Lord. i admit i am weak and i prostate my self before you asking for more. i need more signs. i need more guidance. i need more people.

always the question of my life is :WHEN IS IT MY TURN?

you have breathed on me the spirit of giving. giving my self to my family. giving myself to my friends. giving myself to those i care about. but what about me?

yes there are those who care about me. you never lacked in giving me that. but always my time with them is limited. always so short in comparison to others. always "kulang". i see my keepers administer to their lambs by processing them. spending time with them. i have tasted these glories but only in limited times. in truth, i am envious. i am jealous.

perhaps they think i dont need it. perhaps they see other people more needing of what they offer. but i need it too Lord. i need them too. i cannot blame them, i know. i cannot force them too. but i cant help but ask and want it of them. I know too that you are the ultimate provider and you will give what i need. but Lord, my heart is impatient too. in my human-ness i want it now. i need it now. there is a timing for everything, you have taught me. and yes your timing is perfect--and i will understand this later for you will reveal it to me. but my heart of flesh is in need of you now. is in need of this very human act of companionship--NOW.

and not just from anybody. you know from whom i hunger this attention from. but sadly i am not the recipient. sometimes i am tired of it all. i have gotten so used to caring for other people that i dont know how to care for myself. i have gotten so used to giving so much of myself, i dont know anymore how to rejoice over the simple gifts i have received.

help me Lord. find something. feel something. be something. because it is my heart that is breaking this time. it is me that needs to be fixed this time.

and i dont know how.